Young Writers Society

Inspired by this poem.

This is deep. I like the way the poem loses you a bit and then gets you on track at the same time. Good job.

I'm currently listening to instrumental music with the violin as the lead, and it goes really good with your poem.

I can feel the wind, but the last few lines make me lose this feeling.. How should I put it.. I'm not sure if the choice of words is a bit off, or maybe it's just that it needs some strong words that would "ring" through the whole poem.

But all in all, I think your first 4 lines make a great beginning and are a great foundation for the whole poem.

***clapping***
That was great I enjoyed it, it has been a long time since i've seen a poem with such intense comparison.
You use of this personification amuse me especially in the fisrt stanza
"Hearts are like windmills
and love like the wind
with emotions the weather
which constantly shifts"
And how you went further to explain why you think so from stanza two.
Another thing that caught my attention was the concluding stanza, it was great.

Keep up the good work

There was a lush, musical quality to this that was really enjoyable. The rhyme and rhythm almost never felt forced, which was really refreshing to read. Plus the theme (love) was described in an innovative way.

I would have to say that the first stanza was a bit odd; the last two lines didn't sound grammatically correct; I think you ought to replace "which" and find a substitute for "shifts". It should rhyme to match the below.

Now, this is really just nitpicking, but your rhyme scheme is inconsistent. It goes ABCD, AA, ABCB, AABB, AB, ABC. And though your poem was musical, it could be even more so if you didn't keep throwing the reader for a loop.

Thanks for posting this. See you around.

-antimelrose

Thanks for all the comments. I'm glad you all enjoyed.

@antimelrose

I originally had the second stanza formatted into four lines so that it was in ABCD form like the first stanza, but it felt too static so I played around with the formatting and syntax a bit. Personally, I think the lack of a consistent rhyme scheme helps reinforce the whimsical, windy feeling of the poem. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

@Kanade

Originally, the last stanza was just "are they moved / by the same wind?", but that felt a bit off and plain, and I felt that there needed to be more of a connection to the earlier stanza, so I added the governed line to hearken back to the third stanza. I was thinking about changing it to "Are they both governed / by the same wind?" but I personally like how those three lines at the end perfectly line up, and how the first two lines of it reinforce each other.

I read your last poem, regret, and loved it so I decided to check the rest, this next one particularly caught me at the last lines. I am a sucker for love poem and like the metaphorical way of explaining them. I love it to discriminate it. I have to give it to you, you made me swoon again