McBride

So this was the very first thing I ever wrote (creative writing, that is). It was for an English assignment at the beginning of the year. We had just finished our unit on The Stranger and The Metamorphosis, and my extremely hippie English teacher gave us an assignment to do "anything, anything" that proved we understood existentialism: the one qualification was that it could not be a formal essay. So, naturally, I did the closest thing to an essay that I could think of, and wrote a short story.


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“McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup,”(Rose). Dead, McBride wondered if doing a double back hand spring on the roof of the building was perhaps not his smartest decision. The fall through the air had been quite exhilarating, though, so maybe the thrill and enjoyment rectified his decision in some way. And his double back hand spring had been flawless, of course, although his miscalculation of its required distance did damper the landing.

A quite oblivious woman on her cell phone walked by McBride, who was lying on the pavement. The woman was hysterical and screaming at the person on the other line over some perceived wrong. McBride was somewhat annoyed by the woman, especially because from what he could tell, the slight seemed petty, especially compared to his own situation. After all, wasn’t he lying on the pavement, quite surely dead? The thing was, however, that McBride was not wholly sure to his state of living. Reason told McBride he must be dead, and this made sense, because of his fall and especially because he was not in any particular pain.

A shrill scream pierced the morning air. McBride reflexively desired to look around to discover its cause before remembering his body’s immobility, and not until the scream’s owner continued with words of shock did he piece together that the scream concerned him. The scream attracted what few passersby had been on the street and a small crowd soon gathered around the body, speaking in hushed, astonished voices. Although McBride recognized that a splattered corpse on the pavement was not a common occurrence, it seemed the people were attributing too much significance to the situation. When the lunch hour came, workers from McBride’s building joined the crowd and informed the strangers that yes, yes they had known him. Some of McBride’s female coworkers broke down and began sobbing at the sight.

As the day passed on no effort was made to move McBride, but policemen joined the scene and used police tape to rope off a circle around him. The hushed crowd grew larger as the policemen dubbed the area a possible crime scene and began conferring with each other the possibilities of suicide and homicide. They debated the possibilities so long and with such incredulity that McBride longed to tell them the cause of his death had not been suicide or homicide, it was merely that he had fallen twelve stories, and the cause of his fall had just been his miscalculated double back hand spring.

The day wore on into the evening with incessant conferring, hushed voices, and sobbing. McBride could not comprehend the draw or significance his body held to them and believed the participants of the crowd were wasting their day.

As dusk was beginning to fall, a strange thing happened. A billboard two or so blocks from McBride and his following clamored to the ground, seeming to trigger the violent shaking and collapsing of buildings all around. “Earthquake!” somebody shouted, and screaming soon added to the furious sounds of falling buildings and rubble. The crowd disbanded, its members yelling and running in all directions, and McBride’s body lay forgotten and peaceful under the starry night sky.



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the first quote is from this awesome website:
http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/200 ... collected- by-high-school-english-teachers/

Hey. I don't know what to say, exept that I loved this story. I thought it was a great idea, and for a first try, it was a lot better than what I write.

Usualy, when I comment, I have somethingnto pick at, but there is nothing that I picked up on. I thought it was well written, and would love to read anything else like it. (And this is where someone comes and shoves what I said, into the dirt, and pick on every little thing that I woad wasn't there. But maybe it won't happen. I don't know)

Anyway, I really liked this story.

Hey Attolia!

Long time, no review . Anyway, first off, I love what you were asked to explore - existentialism. Secondly, I love gymnastics - and a double back handspring off a roof is something I would love to see. Thirdly, the story was amusing because it was so ridiculously formal and officious-sounding.

Now, for that para-by-para review, which is what I'm sure you'd love:

“McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup,”(Rose).

Hang on - first lines are extraordinarily important, so I'm not going to skim over this. Since it's a story, with no dialogue at all, the quotation marks look out of place, and are unecessary, since you say you took it from a website. For the purposes of the story, scrap the speech marks and nix the '(Rose)' bit, since it just ruins the flow of an otherwise intriguing first line. And the 'Hefty Bag' just looks really off when capitalised like that - I have no idea what you were going for with that.

Dead, McBride wondered if doing a double back hand spring on the roof of the building was perhaps not his smartest decision.

There goes the para-by-para idea. I'll do this however I feel like, okay? So...McBride is wondering about something while he's dead? Um...maybe my knowledge of existentialism is incomplete, but is 'having thoughts while you're dead' part of the philosophy? I thought it was more to do with following your desires and enriching your concrete human 'existence' (and not your abstract human 'essence'). Other than that, a bit of dry humour in this line was good - but the 'smartest decision' was just a tad cliche.

The fall through the air had been quite exhilarating, though, so maybe the thrill and enjoyment rectified his decision in some way. And his double back hand spring had been flawless, of course, although his miscalculation of its required distance did damper the landing.

Hahahaha. 'Rectified, miscalculation, required distance' - what a crack up. The nutter, McBride, sounds like a real smart-ass now, using all that pompous language. It adds a delightful feel to reading abut his experience. Oh - change 'damper' to 'dampen,' maybe?

A quite oblivious woman on her cell phone walked by McBride, who was lying on the pavement. The woman was hysterical and screaming at the person on the other line over some perceived wrong.

Firstly, a bit too sequential for my liking. Like you say that the man falls off the roof and then a person walks past and sees him. Didn't McBride yell as he fell? Didn't people see him as he fell and point out of their cars, their high-rise windows, call the police immediately? This doesn't seem believable since it appears almost too cartoonish in the way one thing happens, then another.

Anyway, even as it is, it lacks details about the woman, which make her seem flat and one-dimensional. Was she wearing heels, a blue skirt, a scarf? What did her voice sound like? What colour hair? Was she fat or slim, young or old? A couple of these details would be enough to complete the picture, but something is definitely needed to spruce her up a bit.

I would not have her 'screaming' just yet. As soon as you said 'screaming,' I jumped to the conclusion that she'd seen McBride and was screaming in horror at him. In fact, the first time I read this, I didn't even bother reading the rest of the sentence properly since I thought I understood what was going on. So...have the argument a little more subtle. 'Screaming...hysterical' just sounds too melodramatic for this; totally unlike the subtle humour throughout the piece. It takes away from the intelligent perception of the narrator.

McBride was somewhat annoyed by the woman, especially because from what he could tell, the slight seemed petty, especially compared to his own situation. After all, wasn’t he lying on the pavement, quite surely dead? The thing was, however, that McBride was not wholly sure to his state of living. Reason told McBride he must be dead, and this made sense, because of his fall and especially because he was not in any particular pain.

'The slight seemed petty' - brilliant way of summarising the idea. 'Quite surely dead' was also funny. And I cracked up again, reading about him trying to figure out whether he's alive or not - but the very fact that he's THINKING about it makes me think he is, in fact, alive. 'Particular pain' is again anally officious, which adds to the humour all the more.

A shrill scream pierced the morning air. McBride reflexively desired to look around to discover its cause before remembering his body’s immobility, and not until the scream’s owner continued with words of shock did he piece together that the scream concerned him.

'Shrill scream pierced...' - meh. McBride is intelligent, clearly - so he can describe screams in far more intriguing ways than this cliche description. Rearrange second line in this as: 'Reflexively, McBride desired to look...' since it's hard enough to understand the 'McBride desired' part as it is - it's not sth we hear often. Man, this gets funnier and funnier - he remembers his immobility. But the repetition of the 'scream' in an unoriginal way was annoying. More crazy vocab needed here!

The scream attracted what few passersby had been on the street and a small crowd soon gathered around the body, speaking in hushed, astonished voices. Although McBride recognized that a splattered corpse on the pavement was not a common occurrence, it seemed the people were attributing too much significance to the situation. When the lunch hour came, workers from McBride’s building joined the crowd and informed the strangers that yes, yes they had known him. Some of McBride’s female coworkers broke down and began sobbing at the sight.

If there was any large part I totally skim read in the story, it was this. If a woman yells after seeing a dead man on the ground in front of her, just about any layman would be able to picture what would happen next - a crowd forms, the situation is made bigger than it is. The mention of McBride's female coworkers seemed a little too much for a really short story like this. No need to drag his work in.

As the day passed on no effort was made to move McBride, but policemen joined the scene and used police tape to rope off a circle around him. The hushed crowd grew larger as the policemen dubbed the area a possible crime scene and began conferring with each other the possibilities of suicide and homicide. They debated the possibilities so long and with such incredulity that McBride longed to tell them the cause of his death had not been suicide or homicide, it was merely that he had fallen twelve stories, and the cause of his fall had just been his miscalculated double back hand spring.

The day wore on into the evening with incessant conferring, hushed voices, and sobbing. McBride could not comprehend the draw or significance his body held to them and believed the participants of the crowd were wasting their day.

As dusk was beginning to fall, a strange thing happened. A billboard two or so blocks from McBride and his following clamored to the ground, seeming to trigger the violent shaking and collapsing of buildings all around. “Earthquake!” somebody shouted, and screaming soon added to the furious sounds of falling buildings and rubble. The crowd disbanded, its members yelling and running in all directions, and McBride’s body lay forgotten and peaceful under the starry night sky.

So, I'll generalise what I got from the above paras. The first two quoted directly above were not particularly insightful at all - they described the story in just the way I would have expected - which was annoying, since there was no unexpected twist. You tried to throw in something unexpected at the end - the earthquake - but it felt like it was tacked on inelegantly; although it certainly added to the pointlessness and humour of the piece. The 'starry night sky' was ouch - another cliche, when we could have finished off with sth a lot snappier.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading it, which is why I critiqued it properly - or as well as I could - and I hope that was helpful for you! PM me if you have questions or would like me to take another look at this (or a changed version).

kingolions - Thank you! "(And this is where someone comes and shoves what I said, into the dirt, and pick on every little thing that I woad wasn't there. But maybe it won't happen. I don't know)" < haha, I totally know what you mean! That has happened to me a couple of times when reviewing something.

Navita - Thank you, for an awesome review, as always!! Haha yeah, I know the first sentence, the quote, is all bad grammar and everything. It's actually not mine, its just a humorously bad analogy I read on this one website when I was trying to think of a story to write... so I just ended up just writing a story based off the quote.

Lol, yeah, the whole premise of the story that McBride is having thoughts after he's dead is not too cohesive with existentialism... bit of an artistic license on my part. Ah I totally agree with you on the earthquake!! I had my dad look over this before I handed it in to my English teacher and that's what he said too - he loved the story until the ending which he thought was contrived. But I just didn't know how else to end it; I needed to have McBride left forgotten somehow. Ahh guess I'll try to think of something else. Thank you for all your feedback and suggestions! I'll definitely work on it using them, like fixing the screaming woman and the ending and other parts. Thank you again!!