The White Knight Chapter 3(B) The Training Begins (New)

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“Are you ready for the run?” Geoffrey asked her.
“I hope so,” Maria said coming out of the tent. Even though the chain mail was considerably lighter than the plate armor )and she could move easily in it) she was still carrying an extra thirty pounds. While she had been able to out run most of the females, a majority of them were wearing chain mail. With her legs hurting from riding that horse, she was sure she would be behind the pack.
Sure enough, as soon as they started out on the course, Maria found herself falling behind. The extra weight was dragging her down. One of the females, who Maria had left in the dust the previous day, ran around her in circles. “What’s the matter? Can’t you keep up?” The woman turned around and began to run backwards. “I will race you this way. Maybe that will give you a fair chance.”
Geoffrey laughed, “Just leave her alone, Sue. She will be outrunning you someday.” He glanced at Maria quickly slowing pace. “At this rate it might take her ten years.”
Laughing, Sue turned around and raced off.
Maria gave a half-hearted slap at Geoffrey, but was not in a joking mood. The Kingsbane watched as her paced slowed down where she was barely jogging.
“I don’t think I am going to make it,” Maria whined.
“I don’t like that attitude,” a voice sounded behind her.
Maria jumped when Osandria came up beside her; however she kept limping and jogging along.
“Stop and walk,” the female warrior said. Breathing a sigh of relief, Maria stopped jogging and began to walk.
“You must never say that you can’t do something. If you say or think something like that, you will believe it. You will not make it as a warrior.”
“Why do we have to run every day?”
. "You never know when you have to retreat during a battle," Osandria said. "When you must run, you have to go as fast as you can. You can not always rely on having a horse. I see the speed that you have; you have already shown it the other day. Now you must do it while wearing chain mail.”
Maria was slowly getting her breath back, ashamed to be reprimanded. “I will start running again. I am ready.” She began running once again. The small break she had taken returned some of the strength back to her legs.
Osandria and Geoffrey ran on both sides of her. “This is a trick I used when I was a new warrior. I was like you and had a hard time just like you are having. So I would run as long as I could. Then I would stop and walk for a while. Then I would run again once I was rested. The thing I did was to run a further distance each time before I stopped. In no time at all, I was running this course without stopping.
“Geoffrey, remember that breakfast will not wait for her,” Osandria said. She ran off, picking up speed with each step. By this time, Maria and Geoffrey were lagging behind the others.
“What did she mean by breakfast not waiting?”
“Everything is done on a schedule. If we don’t get back in time, we don’t eat.”
Two hours later they finished the course, Geoffrey at an easy pace and Maria looking like she was going to drop to the ground. Looking at her face, he knew not to joke with her. She wanted to do a good job and knew that even a helpful comment may be taken the wrong way.
“Are you hungry?” he asked her.
“I’m starved!” she said. “Do you want to race up to the castle?”
Geoffrey laughed. At least she did have some humor in her.
“Let’s just take it easy. You have the rest of the day to look forward to.”
They walked over the drawbridge and entered the courtyard. Men and women were walking around. Some were washing themselves off, cleaning the grime and dirt from their bodies. Others were gathering weapons.
Osandria approached them, “Sorry that you missed breakfast. Well at least you will have a larger appetite for lunch,” she said laughing as she walked off.
“We missed breakfast?” Maria asked in shock.
“Unfortunately, yes,” the Kingsbane said. “But we have an hour before the training begins.” However, Maria turned angrily away and headed for her tent. She grabbed her helmet and strode towards the moat. She felt like she was going to burst into tears and did not want Geoffrey to see. It was not his fault, but she felt like she wanted to take her anger out on somebody.
Kneeling by the edge of the water, she filled he helmet. It was a trick Geoffrey had showed her. Someday she would feel comfortable bathing with others in the moat, but for now this would do the trick.
Maria vigorously scrubbed at her face. At least if she started to cry, she could hide her tears with the water. It wouldn’t be too bad if she wasn’t so hungry. “There is no way I can make it to lunch!”
Geoffrey looked at the kneeling form by the moat. By now everybody had already washed, she was the only person there. Once again he felt sorry for her. From the short time he had known Maria he knew that she was a strong-willed and an independent person. Yet, she was also very vulnerable. All he wanted to do was hold and comfort her. Yet, he knew that was not the right thing to do. He looked down at the sack in his hand. Hopefully, this would help. He approached her and sat down next to her. “Would you like some breakfast?”
Maria looked up at Geoffrey. “I thought we were too late.” The water on the face had refreshed her. Yet, she still wanted to be left alone.
“In a way we did miss breakfast, but I got this from my supply.”
“Your supply?”
“I always grab an extra piece of bread or a muffin. Just don’t tell Osandria. She will string me up by my ears.”
Maria laughed, taking the muffin from Geoffrey and bit into it.
“This is delicious! Thank you!” They ate in silence for a few minutes, and then she spoke, “This is just between you and me, Geoffrey. I honestly do not think I am going to make it. I feel that I am going to let a lot of people down.”
Geoffrey took her hand and gently held it. “I can see deeply in you. I can see that you are frustrated and that you are very discouraged. Yet, I see the potential in you. I honestly believe that you are the one.”
“I just don’t believe in myself,” Maria said, beginning to cry.
Geoffrey gently gathered Maria in his arms and embraced her. “You keep up with you are doing, you will believe in yourself,” he whispered, gently rubbing her back.
Having Geoffrey holding her was very comforting; she had stopped crying and just enjoyed the closeness of the man holding her. However, it was also very dangerous; she wanted to reach up and kiss him. She quickly broke the contact and threw the water on her face.
“Thank you, I needed the encouragement. I am sure that I am going to need it again.” She threw some more water on her face. “We better get back to the castle for the rest of the training. I am ready for it.”
She stood up and headed towards the courtyard.
Geoffrey looked at Maria’s departing figure. No longer did it belong to a vulnerable person. It belonged to somebody who was proud. A little bit of encouragement was what she needed. However, he hoped she would need more. If she didn’t need it, hopefully Maria would never forget him. It felt good to hold her.

“I take it that you never used a bow and arrow in your world,” Geoffrey said. Several arrows laid on the ground a few feet from Maria and to her right.
“You make it seem so easy,” she said.
“You will get it. All it takes is just some practice.”
Osandria wanted Geoffrey to begin her official training. “I am not sure if she will be more suited to be a Kingsbane or a warrior. She should receive both types of training.”
Maria was pleased to hear this. She was not looking forward to more torture from Osandria. Still, she was stumped by something as simple as shooting an arrow.
“Maybe we should start with the basics. You are holding the bow backwards.” Maria was holding the bow so that the string was facing the target.
“Oops,” she said laughing, turning the bow around.
“Hold on,” said Geoffrey, as Maria reached for an arrow. “You are holding the bow in the wrong hand. Don’t you write with your right hand?”
“Yes,” Maria replied. “I am stronger on my right side.”
“That is your dominant side. You need your stronger hand to pull back on the string. Therefore, you hold the bow in your left hand. That is your bow hand. Your right hand is your drawing hand or string hand.
“I will show you’re the proper way to fit the arrow to the string. Just follow my movements.”
Goeffrey pointed his bow to the ground. “We always load the arrow with the bow pointed to the ground. This is the safest way to do it. That way you do not accidentally shoot anybody.
“Do you see the V grooves on the shaft of the arrows?”
“Yes.”
“This is called a nock. You put the string through this. This is called nocking the arrow.”
Maria clumsily nocked the arrow.
“Good job,” Geoffrey said when Maria finally had the arrow fitted. “Now put you index finger above the arrow and the middle and ring finger below it.
“We raise the bow and draw the arrow at the same time. Watch how I do it.”
In one fluid movement, Geoffrey raised his bow and pulled the string towards his face. He stopped pulling when the tips of his fingers reached the bridge of his nose. He relaxed his arm and lowered the bow. Then he repeated the motion several times, each time stopping the draw when his fingers reached his nose. The last time he held his stance.
“Take a look at my bow arm. It is aiming at the target and the side of the elbow is parallel to the ground. You always draw back and stop in the same area. If you don’t do this, your shots will be off.” He relaxed his arms. “Now it is your turn.”
Maria started to draw back as Geoffrey told her. “Hold it!” he said. “Haven’t you been paying attention,” he said, slapping himself in the head. “What am I going to do with you?”
“What?” Maria asked, laughing, knowing Geoffrey was joking.
“Take a look at your stance!”
“Oops!”
She turned her body so it was perpendicular to the target, her bow side closest to it.
“Open up your stance a little; remember they should be shoulder width apart. That is perfect,” Geoffrey said. “Now raise your bow and draw the arrow the way I had showed you.”
Maria did as she was instructed. However, she could not draw the string back far enough to her face. Her arm was too weak.
“Relax,” said Geoffrey. “You did fine. Eventually you will be strong enough to draw back to your face. Let’s just draw back far enough for you to be comfortable. It is simple to release the arrow. All you have to do is relax the fingers on your drawing hand.” Geoffrey raised his bow, drew back on the string and released the arrow. The arrow flew and sunk into the center of the target. “Now it is your turn.”
Maria’s arrow flew six feet before it stuck into the ground. “That’s an improvement,” she laughed. “It even went in a straight line.”
“Maybe you will do better with a crossbow.”
Last edited by writewannabe on Thu May 06, 2010 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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“That is your dominant side. You need your stronger hand to pull back on the string. Therefore, you hold the bow in your left hand. That is your bow hand. Your right hand is your drawing hand or string hand.


I was told that exact same thing when I got my first bow and arrow. It's more harder then it looks, but it is so worth it!

Hey I'm Puffycherry, but you can call me Chrissie. I am going to be your reviwer today, and hopefully I'll do a good job for my first try.

lighter than the plate armor and she could move easily in it, she was still carrying an extra thirty pounds.


This is a rather long conjuction if you ask me. Instead of using a commar you should use a full stop to give readers time to read. Otherwise this just sounds forced, and it rather hard to take in.

Character wise, I think this story is rather stable. Your characters are rather deep and full of life instead of useless add ons that never do anything for the chapter, or even story. I believe Maria is the most interesting, and as you main character she should be. The only thing I would reccomend about her would be to be that the whole way through.

In one part I found her being just cliche and was rather surprised, though that all smoothed out later on. Your grammar was and is very commendable. It was hard for me to find any mistake through you text (excluding the one pointed out previously) and I find this great! It makes a story a lot easier to read, and well, I found your story very liquid and easily I crest fallen. :lol:

On an overall basis, I think this was a very good start. And though I didn't get much from being chapter three and all, I found that this was very indepth and a very good read.
I do not have a short attention span, I am-Hey look it's a sparkely KITTY! Quick Catch it!




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Hey PuffCherry, cute name, the reason why you didn't find many mistakes was most of the typos were pointed out. But you will probably find them in the other chapters. Since this chapter was an add on, you may find the beginning of the next one 3(Part C) a little confusing. I didn't get to that one yet to edit it to make it a smooth transition from this one to the next. I plan to get it done by next week.




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I had the same experience when I tried to shoot a bow. Was never good at it. Even that running scene is from my own experience. I ran on the track team and did long distance. But it was a totally different experience when I had to run while carrying somebody piggy-back.




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Hey, girl, hey! I am Kiara, and I will be critiquing your piece.

Even though the chain mail was considerably lighter than the plate armor (and she could move easily in it)

I feel that there needs to be a break in between the beginning of the sentence, and the later part. I think parenthesis should do.

she was sure she would behind the pack.

I'm sure you can notice what was done wrong once re-reading that.

“I’m starved?

No need for a question mark there.

...he knew that she was a strong-willed and an independent person.

The bolded should be added.

“I just don’t believe in myself,” Maria said, beginning to cry.

I feel that this was too sudden. Most girls would be reluctant to cry in front of the guy she liked, and there wasn't any build up to her crying, it seemed. Yes, she was sad, but I didn't expect her emotions to be that severe.

Overall:
I liked it. I like your character, and I like your writing style, just work on the few things mentioned earlier.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.




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@KikiSaysRAWR! I reedited this with your suggestions and also found a couple more that you missed. When I originally wrote this, Maria was just a robot moving along doing everything in the story. But she had no emotional feelings. She took everything without blinking her eye.

At this part of the story, she likes Geoffrey but doesn't realize it-I hope I make sense. Eventually this liking will turn to love. I can't remember if you have read the earlier chapters. But when she first meets Geoffrey in Chapter Two he is an A-hole. But they eventually become friends.

As for showing emotions, it is more because of being frustrated. In my original version, I had Maria going through the training without any hardships. Of course I was not being realistic since I also had her wearing full-plate armor. This version I have posted on this site is my third rewrite, but I added the previous chapter and this one to give an idea of the type of training she went through.



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