Three Rainbows Dancing In The Sky . . .

Three Rainbows Dancing In The Sky . . .
The sky is black
The air is green
Rain pours down in sheets
A battle rages far below
Men are Yelling, Screaming, Dying, Crying
Trees crash
Horses’ hooves pound the ground
The wind cackles.
Lightning strikes.
Blood mixes with water,
Water mixes with mud.
But, then everyone stops.
Silence
The air is still everyone looks up.
Three rainbows glimmer in the sky
The men remember what beauty is.
The storm is scared away.
They colors reflect on the water caught in my leaves.
All I can do is stare until they fade, and ask myself why?

This is a poem inspired by a storm that was by my house last night. I saw three rainbows in about ten minutes. The first two were together and I could see both of them really well over the sky. The second one faded in the middle, but was still beautiful.

Hey. I like the idea for this piece, and I like your motivation for it. The thing I have to pick at, it the way the piece is written. It doesn't feel and read like a poem, more like telling and explaining what has happened.

Other than that, it is really good. If you want me to elaborate on what I said, or just have a look at anything else, PM me, and I'll be happy to help you out.

This poem does do good as a poem really capturing the action in the battle, but not as much as the emotions with how broken up the lines are. I feel like if you would have described it more with the anger and the rage rather than what's happening you would have had a better poem. All the same the end wraps up the poem very nicely. Also the style of the poem does support what is happening within the poem's story. The storms are cluttered and don't give much time to comprehend and explain unlike a rain where things are smoother and more constant. This fact helps support the poem's style with how it acts as lightning in the clash and forward ideas. I feel like if you would have used fragments rather than lists it would have still produced the same feel of the storm, but given it more of a feeling and a visual than just the strong visual.

So first off definitely take the first two comments into consideration, they made points that I wanted to make, but I'd rather not repeat what has already been said. One thing I thought was odd was this line.

The air is green

When I think air, I never think green, it doesn't really make much sense to me.

Hi,

This is a lovely idea and I love your imagery, especially;
"The air is green" and
"horses' hooves pound the ground" (the internal rhyme here is great.)
and
"the wind cackles."

I'd cut out flatter images like

"battle rages" and "blood mixes with water" and use more of your fresh, vivid imagery instead.

I'd also try reading this aloud so you can get a sense of how this sounds. I think it's a bit bumpy in places, and if you hear it you'll notice where and be able to change words and shorten or lengthen lines accordingly.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Thank You for all the help I am not going to rewrite it, but I will keep all this in mind for the future.