Whatya Want From Me

Okay this is for Scarletfire's RAGE play list contest and I chose Adam Lamberts 'Whatya Want From Me', so I need feedback on this.
"'Kay, see ya later," waving farewell to Karen and Nicole I wandered down the opposite way the half-empty corridors where my locker was located. Coming up on a long row of red lockers; on the opposite side the once white walls was covered in grafitti, I headed all the way down to the very last set of lockers before arriving at mines repeating my combination as old as time: 6 to the left, 29 to the right, 32 to the right and 0 back to the left and voila it unlocks.
Pulling it open a folded scrap of paper dropped to the ground. I picked it up and read the beautiful cursive in a blue gel ink.
It had been from Jayce, my heart fluttered in my chest cavity. Eager to see what he wrote me inside I quickly unfolded it and soon regretted it as my heart broke into a million pieces as I read it:
Dear Mia,
Its over. I can't take this anymore, I'm sick of this friends with benefit. I'm tired of your games, so before hurting either us any further I'm ending this.
Jayce
P.S:
I hope we can still be friends, though.
No, this couldn't be? I was in total shock, this had to be a stupid prank or joke. I contemplated consoling myself, but it wasn't helping. I had to know if this was the real deal or not, so I had to go to the straight to the source; Jayce. Closing my locker I went for the nearest exit that led to the students' parking lot; praying he was still there.
Scanning through the unusually crowded lot, I spotted him navigating his way through the throng headed for his blue jeep.
"Jayce!" I cried at the top off my lungs, his head snapped back to me and our gazes met. Subconsciously my legs moved without my permission through the crush as I ran towards him.Out of breath and exhaustion I caught up to him. I had to wait a few minutes for my inhales and exhales to slowly decrease and I was able to speak, "what the hell is this!" I shoved his letter in his face.
"Oh, I was hoping we could talk about this later," he replied shyly, pushing away his sndy brown hair from his face.
"What! So--so wait--you're breaking up with me?"
The crowd around us had grown deathly silent and I could feel a thousand and one eyes upon me, but his deadly blue gaze locked on mines was my only concern.
"Why?" I tried desperately not to let the tears that were stinging my eyes to break forth.
"I'm tired Mia..." he stated, I was about to ask him tired of what, but interrupted me and continued, "I'm tired of this game your playin'. I'm tired of this friends with benefits. Your playin' with my heart and taking my feelings for you for granted."
"Whataya want from me?" Pain and anger shook my being, I was on the verge of tears.
"For god sakes Mia, I love you more then life itself, but its over. I'm finish with you toying with my emotions."
Succumbing to the tears, they burst forth and went in a waterfall down my cheeks. I was speechless as a pregnant pause came between us.
Jayce broke the intense silence when he opened the door to the drivers seat of his jeep. He was about to leave me, but I couldn't let him slip away from my grasp so easily.
"Please don't leave me Jayce," I dropped my head and let my bruntte hair fall over my face. How could he had done this to me! I thought. I had believed him to be my most loyal friend and hero, but he was now breaking my heart. "I love you."
Closing the car door and starting the ignition, he rolled down the window and stared up into my hazel orbs filled with pain and hurt with his blue piercing eyes, "I'm so sorry Mia. A long time ago that would have work, but I'm over you," he said before driving away; leaving me in the behind.
"Please Jayce!" I yelled after the jeep. After he was completely out of site, my jell-o turned legs finally collapsed beneath me as more tears forced their way out.

When I read this, my jaw drop...it was So good.but I got one problem though


I don't think the second 'watya want from me' was necessarily...it didn't belong there, when you. read it it made her seem....mad, I thought that she was supposed to be sad..

Other than that I thought that it was Kool!

This was a good story but there where a couple error I caught.

"I'm tired of this game your playin', I'm tired of this friends with benefits. "Your messin' with my heart and taking my feelings for you for granted."
You don't need the extra quote before Your because of the one at the beginning of the sentence.

I was speechless as a pregnant pause came between us.
I'm not sure what a pregnant pause is. It struck me as a random and odd way of an awkward silence.

Other then that the story was good!!!!

-KAH

Hi Curious. What's up? You didn't tell me you posted this. Just send a PM next time. I'm here to review.
Things I like= Green
Things I've problem with=Red
Suggestions/comments= Bold

"'Kay see ya later," waving farewell to Karen and Nicole I wandered down the opposite way the half-empty corridors, where my locker was located. Coming up on a long row of lockers, I headed all the way down to the very last set before arriving at mines repeating my combinartioncombination as old as time: 6 to the left, 29 to the right, 32 to the right and 0 back to the left and voila it unlocks.

Pulling it open, a folded scrap of paper dropped and floated QA paper won't float sweetie. Float would only do if you're talking about a water, even if this is literature you can't run your imagery without any sense.You should replace it with 'glided'to the ground. I picked it up and read the beautiful cursive in a blue gel ink, it was from Jayce, my heart fluttered in my chest cavity. This sentence is bit too long, try to shorten it up a bit. The thing where you say that her heart beats and who is it from, start a new line for both

Eager to see what he wrote me inside, inside word repeated I quickly unfolded it and soon regretted it as my heart broke into a million pieces as I read it:

Dear Mia,

Its over. I can't take this anymore, I'm sick of this friends with benefit. I'm tired of your games, so before hurting either us any further I'm ending this.

Jayce

P.S :

I hope we can still be friends, though.

No, this couldn't be? I was in total shock, this have to be a stupid prank or joke. I contemplated consoling myself, but it wasn't helping. I had to know if this was the real deal or not, so I have to go to the straight to the source; Jayce. Closing my locker I went for the nearest exit that led to the students' parking lot; praying he was still there.
The red words and the other action words' tenses don't meet. You have started this in past, so let it be past only, don't try to confuse the reader.

Scanning through the unusually crowded lot, I spotted him navigating his way through the throng headed for his jeep. Shubhi likes it!

"Jayce!" I cried at the top off my lungs, his head snapped back to me and our gazes met. Subconsciously, my legs moved without my permission through the crush as I ran towards him.

Out of breath and exhausted exhaustion, I caught up to him. I had to wait a few minutes for my inhales and exhales to slowly decrease and I was able to speak, "What the hell is this!" I shoved his letter in his face.

"Oh, I was hoping we could talk about this later," he replied shyly.

"What! So--so wait--you're breaking up with me?"

The crowd around us had grown deathly silent and I could feel a thousand and one eyes upon me, but his deadly blue gaze locked on mines was my only concern.Nice description of emotions!

"Why?" I tried desperately not to let the tears that were stinging my eyes to break forth.

"I'm tired Mia..." he stated, I was about to ask him tired of what, but interrupted me and continued, "I'm tired of this game your playin', You need a fullstop here. I'm tired of this friends with benefits.I didn't understand this line Your playin' with my heart and taking my feelings for you for granted."

"Whataya want from me?" Pain and anger shook my being, I was on the verge of tears.

"For god sakes Mia, I love you more then life itself, but its over. I'm finish with you toying with my emotions."

Succumbing to the tears, they burst forth and went in a waterfall down my cheeks. I was speechless as a pregnant pause came between us.

Jayce broke the intense silence when he opened the door to the drivers seat of his jeep. He was about to leave me, but I couldn't let him slip my grasp so easily.

"Please don't leave me Jayce, I love you."

Closing the car door and starting the ignition, he rolled down the window and stared up into my hazel orbs filled with pain and hurt with his blue piercing eyes, "I'm sorry Mia. A long time ago that would have work, but I'm over you," he said before driving away; leaving me in the behind.

"Please Jayce!" I yelled after the jeep. After he was completely out of site, my jello Is this the word to be used? turned legs finally collapsed beneath me as more tears forced their way out. He was gone.
Take the last line out of the whole passage. Let it be alone.

I liked your writing style and this was much improved than that Alice thing you did, in terms of grammar and spelling mistakes. The flow was easy and smooth and I could very well feel the narrator's feelings.

One thing I though have problem is with the commas. You just seem to be fighting a war with them, I guess. Commas form an essential part of your story as it makes the flow of a story better and the pauses are needed for the reader to breathe.

You could've described the both character a bit more. Since she's in love with him, so you should've explained us his personality, how he looked, how she felt looking at him. This crap is what Romantic Fiction is all about! So, this port was a disappointment. I just couldn't feel though I knew what she was feeling. Also, I didn't understand 'friends with benefit' concept, its new to me so please explain this in next chapter if you intend to post.

This was on whole good but the description was more in the Vampire/Alice story you wrote before which means that you know how to create the scene but you just didn't it this time.

Keep Writing!


Flying off for now!

this piece is nicely written. But you did have many mistakes so i think you should do what shubhiloves2write wrote. I'll loved this piece because it was well written and the description was brilliant. Overall i thought that this was great to read but you should reread it and edit stuff like shubhiloves2write said.
PM me for more parts!
Nike

I have told this way to many times to people. Shorten the stories. It draws others away if it is to long and you want their attention and good review. Just work on that okay.

I really like this story. It is very interesting and a fun read. I greatly enjoyed it. It is defiantly unique and I like it a lot.