Loves Me Not

She stands in the rain
pulling petals off a daisy
she chants
he loves me
he loves me not
her heart cries for him
but he never answers
her heart slowly breaks
because she just wants him to see her
her friend tells her he's not worth it
that she deserves better
but she's deaf to their words
because she has fallen
for Mr.Wrong
He's the type that doesn't feel
he just wants a bit of fun
he thinks girls hearts are toys
She doesn't see what he is
all she sees is a pretty face
and it breaks her friends heart
because he loves her
he wants to be the one that her heart wants
he wants her to look at him with love
so he stands in the rain
tearing petals of a daisy
chanting
she loves me
she loves me not
Lightning flashes
as the last petals fall
both of them fall to the mud
and cry
Ones blind and the others a coward
the girl loves the wrong one
the boy is to scared
what a messed up love
neither is strong enough
both are hurting
both of them are in pain
the girl loves Mr.Wrong
the boy loves Miss.Blind
their love will never succeed
they are to broken
thunder is heard
and lighting flashes
and two people scream
and cry thinking
He loves me not
She loves me not[/size][/size]

wow! this was absulutly amazing

Oh wow. First review in a while.
Hi! Welcome to YWS!

First things first, we encourage you to review other works that way you'll get more reviews yourself and you always learn from examining someone's errors or successes

Anywhoo, onto the poem. This is generic, usually anything on the bases of 'oh I love him, but he doesn't love me back' is generic.

Your problem is you also use images and concepts that are overused. Daisy, "He/She loves love/not", rain+crying is a recipe for an unsuccessful poem.

Luckily for you! There's an easy way out! Poetic devices are the saviour to any poem. It can transform something cliche and boring into something people find powerful.

In case you don't know, some poetic devices:

Spoiler

Metaphor: A figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable.

Example - The daisy was a billowing skirt of white.

Simile: A figure of speech involving the comparison of one thing with another thing of a different kind, used to make a description more emphatic or vivid.

Example - The lightning was a like pillar of light.

Alliteration: The repetition of a beginning sounds (this is best used when wanting to emphasize something)

Example - Dew drops danced on the daisy petals (this is a bit of an exaggeration)

Allusion: A simple, even casual reference to a figure in history or myths/literature. (This can be very effective when trying to explain something, but wanting to keep it mysterious. Referring to a person that may be linked to the message can be quite powerful)

Example - A beauty of her face, simpler than Venus.

Hyperbole: An exaggeration. (good for effect)

Example - "Two people scream" breaking the sound barrier.

Metonymy: The substitution of a word for one with which it is closely associated.
(This can be very useful when trying to create a good metaphor.)

Example - Glassy tears

-- Of course there are lots more. But I won't list them all.

If you use some of these techniques (metaphors and similes are always a must, even if the entire poem is one big metaphor or simile.) then your poem will be more successful. You'll get your reader thinking, and you'll give something to associate themselves with.

So, with a metaphor you're giving something the reader to use as a rope to fully understand what you want them to feel. For example, imagine you felt that these two people are so upset or frustrated it burns, or something of that sort. Then relate that!

I'm pretty sure more people have experience with slight burns, and how it stings and it's painful. Then they do with being so in love in hurts like fire.

I hope that's help to you

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, concerns, whatever you need!

Kamas

'untalented' writer:

Okay, first of all this is a really good start. I like the ideas. I also really like the way you phrase things. There are a few technical issues:

he thinks girls hearts are toys

girls needs to be possessive: girls'

and it breaks her friends heart

so does friends: friends'

Ones blind and the others a coward

so do ones and others: 'One's blind and the other's a coward'

the boy is to scared

you meant: 'the boy is too scared

the boy loves Miss.Blind

Miss does not need a period after it

they are to broken

you meant: 'they are too broken'

I think that's all. Sorry to be nitpicky. This is a bit of a cliche but turned around. I like the rain and the thunder, it adds drama. I don't know if you meant to omit capitalization. You could add stanzas to make it more pleasing to the eye, but that's not really necessary.

This is a great start, why don't you edit it a bit.

Nice first post!

Sarebear

Hai there!

I have to say, once I read the title, I knew exactly what this was going to be about. But, you surprised me with your writing. This flowed rather well, and when I was reading it, I got tingles.

Even though this is a very common topic to write about (broken hearts, I mean), you still gave me entertainment, and I wasn't bored or suffering reading this.

Keep writing!

Classy