Get To You (SF's C)

Song: Get to You by James Morrison. Honestly, I was not fully-inspired after listening to the song for a few times already. Maybe, because this wasn't my kind of song, you know. Anyway, I gave out my best shot on this.

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I stared down at my silver watch…


I felt helpless.


I needed to see her angelic face, her sweetest smile that made me go for miles and her lovely voice that gently tickled both of my ears as she sang her favorite song to me.

I started to run continuously. I didn’t have the time to stop and catch a breath or something that could lessen my chance of seeing her again. I could feel the scorching sunlight against my tanned-skin. My knees started to feel numb as I forced myself to run and run and nothing more. I breathed in the fresh cold air that went directly to my empty stomach. I wanted to get to her. I didn’t care if the people I passed by, glared at me for some awkward reasons. I knew I would look like a poor running mouse being chased by a ferocious cat.

At last…

My hand reached for the entrance’s doorknob. Her stunning face ran through my mind that made me feel crazy like hell. As I was running along the white corridors, I began to regret everything that turned me into a foolish man. I want to apologize and to be forgiven to the only woman who revolves around my world. Hate and lies were like pins and needles stuck through my skin, reaching for my heart.

I want another beginning. A fresh start and I really wanted it before it’s too late…

Before I could get into her room, a tall and dark-haired doctor used his arm, with a pen still holding it, to block my way.

“I’m sorry, Sir... but you---“ before he could say anything else, I forced myself to push him away with an extent force, he fell down against the faded floor. I directly went to the motionless person lying on the bed.

And there, I saw her again. A slight smile appeared from her pallid face. Then after few seconds, a long noisy beep came along from the electronic cardiograph. Unexpectedly, a tear rolled down against my cheeks. I was sweating and cold. I was traumatized and didn’t know what to do. I felt my heart sinking this time, with tears of sadness and endless guilt. For the last time, I touched her soft cheeks, her blond wavy hair and her perfectly-curved lips.


Before I knew, tears flooded my eyes.

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Hoping you all like this!

Her stunning face ran through my mind that made me feel crazy like hell.

Crazy as hell?

Before I could get into her room, a tall and dark-haired doctor used his arm, with a pen still holding it, to block my way.

Held in it.

I directly went to the motionless person lying on the bed.

Okay this sounds quite odd to read, try rewording it. I went directly?

Before I knew it, tears flooded my eyes.

You've got many awkward sentences in this story, try reading it out loud. It's much easier to catch your mistakes that way, especially if stuff doesn't sound right.

............Thats all?...*stunned*...wow that's sad...I like hoe you ended story like that! I makes me want to read more and more of It! I have one question thou...does he have super strength? Because he knocked that full grown man with a single push. And It should be " before I KNEW it..." other than that...it was fab!

I Take back about the 'knew' part...sorry...

I directly went to the motionless person lying on the bed.

This is a very awkward sentence mostly because of "directly".

This story has a good plot to it but you're missing a lot of key pieces that would make the impact of the story even stronger. A lot of the sentences in this are ones beginning with "I". "I ran" "I went" "I wanted". And yet I don't know anything about the speaker or who he loves so desperately. Without knowing who they are, what they're like, they're connection, it's very hard for me to care about them. All of this is in relation to characterization, you can check out Snoink's Characterization User-group for more help on it.

Bringing the characters to life in this would help it immensely. Also try to not do so much with what the narrator is thinking or doing, but actually tell a story. What does the hospital smell like? What do the people look like that he runs by? Does he run past any significant place, and what do they look like? First person is the most difficult to write in because a lot of people ignore anything outside of the narrator, but there is so much that goes into a story that you need to consider whether you are in first person, or third.

Hope this review helps!