This was a really awesome piece! I think it flowed and made sense, there's a hint of mystery as to who the main character is until it's noted that it's the kid. I like how you used the saying "Sticks and stone may break your bones, but words may never hurt me". It's very creative to use a saying to create a story! Good Job and keep up the good work! If there was a sequel/ second part, I would read it
That's pretty strong... and I completely agree. I couldn't find any errors to pick out, probably because there was none. And I really liked the setting and the POV you wrote the story in.
I really enjoyed what you've produced here. It's a very claustrophobic piece of writing which does what it sets out to do, to put you in the mind of the protagonist and for you to experience everything they do as if you were them. As mentioned previously, the lack of name and description of the main character is a major catalyst to this.
The dialogue is believable and direct. However, the exchange between the two parents could of been aided by some minute description of their tones or just general atmospheric relevance. Obviously, in this type of short story the whole "he said/she said" device would be unrealistic to use, but a quick comment after one or two of their lines of dialogue would have benefited the reader. A little something like;
“I’ll work some extra shifts at the garage! It’s simple….”
As he snarled out those words I'd heard so many times before, I knew where this argument was going.
If I was more awake I would of given a better example, but I'm sure you get the point. I know when you hear people shouting, the automatic reaction is to just listen, but for the reader we need to know you're still there and we want to know what you're thinking.
To end on an extremely positive note, I liked the use of the cathartic sentence half way through the story. It was extremely poignant and added a lot to the situation.
"I stared around my room and realized that we hadn’t just started being poor, we had always been poor. I realized it was a bit like my parents fighting, they hadn’t just started, they had always fought. "
You could end a story with that beauty, but it worked even better in the middle.
A very touching story indeed! The title acts quite effectively too and it was the title that made me read this piece. The last line is undoubtedly my favourite Keep it up! x
"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." ~Oscar Wilde.
Even thought you don't know much about the character like her age or even if she's a girl but without knowing any of that, I feel for her. You used great descriptions to really pull at the reader's emotions.
I love that she comes to a realization that everyone eventually comes to but for a different reason. Words hurting is something we all realize eventually but this is a unique way to have someone reach that point.
Overall, I really liked it and would read more if you posted it. Very nice.
hey, d.f.b. here! i loved this piece. it was short, but you made it really good to make up for that. i could imagine the characters room, his house, his parents. i could hear the screams in my own head as i read it. i also loved how you explained that last part, and how in the in you interpreted the saying about sticks and bones. that just fit perfectly with the story. this was a wonderful piece, very well constructed, and you had a good use of metaphor and description. you also chose a very good thing to write about, being poor. i loved this piece. - d.f.b. out! keep writing!
giving up does not always mean your weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go. freaks are people too. i love to hate, and i hate to love. i am me, i will never change. "thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it"-henry ford
That's a pretty good short story. I first read that saying (Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words may never hurt you.) in Anne Fine's diary. My reaction was very similar to what your character felt. I like that about your story, despite the description being a little awkward. Nice job.
And I really liked the setting and the POV you wrote the story in.
