Happy Endings for Sale

I saw into your face looking tired
Heartbroken, is it?
I know it’s hard to accept,
The reality somehow
You felt helpless
And no one seemed to care
He didn’t want you
He played on you
He wasn’t that faithful
Don’t look back,
Just cry


I saw you passing by
Smile appeared on your face
You went inside
A furry head and a soggy nose,
Wagging his long tail
You know,
He will be there
Faithful and loyal
Always seems to care
As you took him to your house
All feelings of despair,
Now gone

Hi yuriiko,

I really loved the twist in the second stanza.I'd cut "A money worth to give" because it's a bit jerky and you don't need it and change "All feeling despair" to "All feelings of despair."

I'd change "puny" because it doesn't fit in with the tone.I'd also rewrite this stanza to include more imagery and less direct relation of what happened. Try to suggest it more and use fresher lines than "Heartbroken, is it?" and "He wasn't faithful."

Hope this helps.

Jas

I agree with Jas and would add that the first stanza would be greatly improved if it weren't so direct. Try using more images to convey what happened, like you do in the first line. I like the line "A furry head and a soggy nose." "Faithful and loyal" is kind of a cliche description of a dog, though.

Sophie

Hi Yuriiko,
Loved your poem, for some reason I found it pretty smooth (a few bumps here and there) but smooth. I also really love the title: 'Happy Endings for Sale'. Love good titles, its what drew me to this poem. The first stanza was deep and emotional, I could really feel your soul in it. It was really good. I would remove the word puny though as someone said, I agree that it doesn't really fit the dark, emotional tone of the poem.
The second stanza wasn't as good as the first (but still good). Is this poem about a dog? That's where it gets a bit confusing, when you begin to describe the characteristics of a dog; furry head, soggy nose and loyal. Who's point of view is this poem from and who are they speaking of or to? Maybe it could be a bit more clearer. But it is certainly one I could feel your emotion through and well done for that, I really felt it. Just fix up a few things here and there and it should be fine.