Young Writers Society


Saved on the Killer Mountain- Chapter One

14 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8413
Reviews 52
Never did Elijah think that losing a friend would save his life, and now, after surviving two months of frozen hell, he knows, without any doubt whatsoever, that anything is possible through God. This all began about ten years ago in the city of Covington, Georgia, where Elijah was born, raised, and still resides. He was a mere fifteen year old then.

Peter left the classroom with a cheerful smile and began running down the hall towards his locker.

“Walk!” shouted an elderly woman whom Peter recognized as one of the administrators. He immediately began slowing his pace. Elijah, his friend and locker neighbor, was already at his locker searching for his math book.

“What’s up Eli?” Peter asked happily as he dialed his combination and opened his locker.

“My stupid math book’s gone, and I just received it this morning!” he growled, “So, why are you so happy?”

“I’m pretty sure I aced the first test of my freshman year!”

“It’s the first day of school. What kind of test do you take on the first day of school?”

“We had to write our names and an interesting fact about ourselves for a test grade, and I know I aced it!”

“Wow,” he looked back in his locker, “Where’s my math book?”

“Oh,” Peter reaches in his bag, “I used it for class.”

“But I’m a sophomore, and you’re a freshman. What use would my book be to you?”

“We get graded on if we have our books for class. I just used it for show.”

“Where’s your math book?”

“Some big guy in the hallway took it from me,” Peter pulled out Elijah’s math book and handed it to him.

“Oh. Wait. How’d you get it from my locker?”

“You spent all morning saying your combination over and over: seven, twenty-eight, forty-one, seven, twenty-eight, forty-one, seven, twenty-eight, forty-one.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Peter pulled a colorful paper from his bag, “Eli, did you get one of these?” He showed it to Elijah.

“Yeah, every guy in the entire United States has one.”

“Why?”

“The country’s looking for ten men to go on an expedition to some mountain in Pakistan. If you’re of school age, you get full school credit for going, but I doubt that any teenagers are going to be selected out of the hundreds of men from all over the states signing up.”

“I think I’ll sign-up just for the fun of it! Hey! Maybe you could sign-up with me! That way, if we get selected, one of us won’t be alone with nine strangers!” Peter closed his locker. “Do you think my parents will let me go?”

He pointed to the line on the paper that read: If you are under the age of eighteen, you must have a parent/guardian’s permission.

Elijah shrugged as he closed his locker. “I don’t know, but I’ve got to get to class.” He started walking down the hall.

“Okay! Well, I’ll see you after school, and we’ll finish our discussion!” Peter called out after him before turning and heading to his next class.

The dismissal bell rang through the halls. Elijah, along with a large group of other students, exited the building. He leaned against a tree, pulled out a book, and began to read.

Peter ran out the door. He scanned the crowd for Elijah, eventually seeing him leaned up against the tree.

“Eli!” he ran over to where Elijah stood.

“Hi Peter,” Elijah replied dryly as he continued reading, his eyes never leaving the book.

“Okay, so about that conversation we had earlier, I went to the office and got two sign-up sheets for the expedition thing: one for you and one for me. We have to go through some physical and mental tests to qualify for it, so, that means we’ll definitely need to study and exercise more. Plus, we need to start eating healthier.” Peter pulled an apple from his bag, took Elijah’s book, and replaced it with the apple. “So, here. I got these from the cafeteria,” he said as he pulled another apple out for himself. “And since I don’t have computer at home, I was thinkin’ that you could do some research on the mountain. That way, if we do get chosen, we’ll know where we’re goin’ and how to act. The mountain’s in Pakistan, right? We need to learn how to speak Pakistanian or whatever they speak there,” Peter continued speaking quickly.

Elijah interrupted him, “I was reading that.” He pointed at his book in Peter’s hand.

“Oh! Sorry!” he handed it back to Elijah before returning to his rambling.

“Peter! Shut up! Gosh! It’s like it never ends!”

“Sorry. It’s just that there’s so much to do if we want to be selected, and we…”

Elijah cut him off, “Listen. Peter, we are two teenage boys. Hundreds and thousands of men from all over the United States are signing up. They probably won’t choose two teenagers over fully grown men. Plus, who said I was signing up anyway?”

“Why wouldn’t they choose us? We’re young, fit, and really have no lives to leave behind. I just figured that we could sign-up together. I don’t want to go alone. Please, Eli! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!” Peter got down on his knees.

“Peter, get up. Come on, get up. People are staring. You’re embarrassing me and yourself.”

“I don’t care. Anyway, pleeeease!”

“Fine! I’ll do it! Just get off the ground and shut up!”

Peter stood cheerfully, “Thank you Eli! You’re the best!” He hugged Elijah and started running towards his house. Elijah just stood there, frozen from shock. People were still giving him weird looks. He casually started walking in the direction of his home, which happened to be right across the street from Peter’s.

The next morning, Peter woke up, got dressed, grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl, and walked outside. At the end of his driveway, he spotted a mop of brown hair; Elijah was waiting for him.

Peter meets Elijah at the sidewalk. “Okay, Eli, I have one last question about the expedition thing.”

“What?”

“Where is Pakistan anyway? I’ve never heard of such a place.”

“It’s somewhere in Asia. That’s all I know about it.”

“Okay! Cool. So, how’s your day been so far?”

“I don’t know. I just woke up.” They started walking towards school. Peter peeled the banana and started eating and talking at the same time.

“Okay, so my only homework assignment was to write a one-page paper about myself. You’d be surprised at how hard it was to do. I mean, I really had to dig through my childhood to find all of the information I needed. For instance, it took me almost an hour to decide whether blue or red is my favorite color. I ended up choosing orange, but that’s not important. Don’t even get me started on my favorite number. Did you know that there is an infinite amount of numbers I could choose from? I took me forever to decide on zero. I chose zero because it’s a plain circle of nothingness. Oh! Eli, I got my parents’ permission for the sign-up sheet! Anyway, what’d you do yesterday?”

“Peter, you talk extremely fast.”

“Well, I have a lot to say and not enough time in the world to say it.”

“I can tell. Oh, and I got permission too. My mom was happy to see I was getting involved with something.”

“Great! The first physical exam is tomorrow!”

“Yay,” Elijah replies unenthusiastically.

“No. Y-A-Y!” Peter sounded it out.

“Wow. Anything else you would like to add?”

“Oh yeah! I went to church last night, and while the youth pastor was talking about Satan and temptation, the new guy fell asleep in the back of the room. It was hilarious because everyone got to crowd around him, and when he woke up, all of these eyes were staring at him. He screamed so loud, and everyone laughed so hard! Church was awesome last night. Gods’ cool like that. God makes church awesome.”

“Okay.”

They reached the school just before the late bell rang. At their lockers, Peter continued, “I can’t believe my parents are letting me sign-up!”

Elijah mumbled, “I wonder why.”

“Huh?”

“Oh nothin’.”

“Okay. Eli, what’re you doin’ after school?”

“Why?”

Peter brushed his dirty-blonde hair from his eyes, “I need a haircut. Oh, and we need to start working out if we’re going to go on this expedition.”

“We don’t need to work out.”

Peter stopped rummaging through his locker and looked at Elijah. He took Elijah’s arm and held it out, and he did the same with his. “Our arms are scrawny! We do so need to work out!”

In truth, both of them were scrawny teenagers. Neither of them were major athletes or big into exercise. Actually, the expedition brought out the natural-born athlete in Peter.

“Whatever. Peter, I have stuff to do for school. I won’t have time to lift weights or whatever.”

“Okay, well, I guess I’ll just exercise on my own. Oh! Eli, remember that test I took?”

“The one with your name and fact?”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah. I remember. Why?”

“I got a fifty on it!”

“How?”

“I forgot to write my name on it.”

“Only you could fail a thing like that.”

“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you in Atlanta tomorrow!”

“Why?”

“The first physical exam.”

“Oh yeah. Wait. Aren't you going home?”

“Not right now.”

“Why?”

“I got detention for talking a lot at the wrong times.”

“Figures. Well, I’ll see you in Atlanta!”

“Bye!” Peter grabbed his bag and started walking down the hall to detention.
Elijah calmly walked out of the school and went home happy to be rid of Peter’s rambling for even a little while.

That night, before going to bed, Peter prayed, as he did every night, but that night, he prayed for him and Elijah to do well on the physical exam, for them to do well in school, and he thanked God for giving him a friend like Elijah who would sign up for the expedition with him.
Last edited by eab10 on Sun May 23, 2010 10:37 pm, edited 15 times in total.
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2925
Reviews 29
I liked this.
But...Peter sounds sorta like a whimp to be honest. Elijah on the other hand is this down in the dumps guy, with a happy go lucky friend. Weird combination. But it usually happens a lot. Why's Peter so happy all the time? Why's Eli so bored and not very happy? Have you written the second chapter? I'd love to read it. Get it up as soon as you can!

“Peter stood cheerfully, “Thank you Eli! You’re the best!” He hugged Elijah and started running towards his house

When it starts it shouldn't have quotation marks. And guys don't really hug each other. A few of them do but rarely. Also when Peter is going on and on about the expedetion why don't you pause and put if he moves his hands around, or if he moves his hair out of the way, or something. It's to long. I know when I see guys talking a bunch they move around.
Well hope that helps any.

- Justis :smt003
Peace, love, and pudding. <3




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8413
Reviews 52
Okay! I like your suggestions. I mentioned to you how I modeled Peter after Jesse from class. I hate to tell you, but mostly every guy in my school hugs each other. It's sort of creepy! Plus, I wanted Peter to sort of shock Elijah at that moment, or it could just be one of those rare times if that works for you. I made it where Elijah was going to be really pessimistic where as Peter is an optimist. And with the quotation mark mistake, I must of just accidentally hit the key or something. I don't know. I made it where Peter is like a pure Christian and is just naturally a happy person. He just doesn't get sad or mad or anything. That's just how he is. That's how Jesse is sort of without the Christian part. I really haven't got a good explanation for why Elijah is the way he is. He just sort of ended up like that. Truth be told, neither of them are extremely tough or masculine. I think Elijah's Peter's friend because no one else would put up with Peter. Peter may be wimpy now, but by the end of the story, he shall be a manly man! ( say with a strong accent to make it somewhat funny) I am currently working on chapter two. It's a work in progress. That's about it. Thanks for the comment and suggestions!
~Emily :smt040
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28282
Reviews 884
I think this is good, but it sounds like you just need to give your characters a little more depth. Give Eli a reason to be grouchy and pessimistic (maybe he was bullied when he was younger and is now overly protective of himself? Maybe his parents abused him? Come up with something, and it can not only help develop character but possibly add more to the plot). Give Peter a reason for being so optimistic (a pleasant life with pleasant parents? Or simply his moral standards?). Anyway, I think this could be a really interesting piece. I'm curious to see where you take this. If you're ever looking to get more of this reviewed, just message me and I'll check some more of it out. :wink:
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8413
Reviews 52
I was thinking of reasons why Elijah is so pessimistic, and I was thinking maybe his father was murdered when he was little or something or his father just died or something and he's still a bit depressed about it. For Peter, he could just naturally be optimistic. Plus, I was learning at church that when you are right with God, you won't have to worry about bad things, and that everything will work out in the end if you let God influence your life. So, that's his reason unless I think of something better. :lol:

-Emily
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 28776
Reviews 446
Hello there!

Here to review as requested. :mrgreen:

Characters:
I like how you portray your two main characters differently to each other. Also, it was kind of a biblical name. As others have stated, Peter seems to be the the easygoing type of a person while Elijah to be a cranky one. Though different, you showed them that they are close friends... okay. :wink:
Things that I want to really clarify are the behaviors of your characters:

Peter- Honestly speaking, he clings and talks to Elijah like more-than-a-friend relationship(if you know what I mean :wink: ). Whenever I read Peter's dialogue, a girl talking would immediately popped into my head or something like that. Plus, he's too talkative but that's acceptable and understandable. Maybe, try to make Peter's actions or behaviors to be more manly or something, even if he's still a teenager. :)

Elijah- Now, this is my kind of character. He looked realistic, really. He's a bit grumpy and that's why, it could be really better, if you state here just a slight info about his pessimistic attitude.

Plot:
The plot has this smooth flow all over the story, which made the story clear enough for us to understand it. :wink: One thing: Maybe, explain more about that 'expedition' thing or just give us a small hint of clue for that.

Overall:
I must really say, this is good. I've seen no grammatical and punctuation errors and lastly, your spellings are perfect! Well done, eab10! :smt001

Keep up the good work!

Peace out!

_Yuri_ :D
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8413
Reviews 52
Thanks! I wanted Peter to be an all-around happy person. I didn't mean for him to be feminine, but I modeled him after this guy from my school, and that's how he acts. Elijah was made up in my head. He wasn't modeled after anyone like Peter. (Hmmm...) The expedition will come in eventually, but I wanted to have the first few chapters focus mainly on Peter and Elijah.

Thanks for the review! :D

-Emily
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 58538
Reviews 553
Hey Emily. I loved this story so far. I wanted to do the review a while before but hen I thought it would be boring as its religious(No offence). But now I don't regret my decision. This was worth reading. :D

On to the review:

Never did Elijah think that losing a friend would save his life, and now, after surviving two months of frozen hell, he knows, without any doubt whatsoever, that anything is possible through God.
This was a lovely line and a lovely start. Though my nit-pick would be that you could've shorten it up a bit. Anyways, it still looks good. Thsi was insightful too.

Peter exitedleft the classroom with a cheerful smile and began running down the hall towards his locker.
Though there's nothing wrong with using exited but I would like it with 'left'.

Elijah, his friend and locker neighbor, was already at his locker searching for his math book.
I don't know if its called 'math' in your country but technically its 'maths'.

“Yeah,” Peter pulled a colorful paper from his bag, “Eli, did you get one of these?” He showed it to Elijah.


He pointed to the line on the paper that read: If you are under the age of eighteen, you must have a parent/guardian’s permission.
The red line would read better if its italicized.

He scanned the crowd for Elijah, eventually seeing him leaned up against the tree.

Elijah interrupted him, “I was reading that.” He pointed at his book in Peter’s hand.


“Oh! Sorry!” he handed it back to Elijah before returning to his quickly-spoken rambling.
I think you can omit 'quickly spoken' because its understood that rambling is fast and a train speed talk. :P

People were still giving him weird looks. He casually started walking in the direction of his home, which happened to be right across the street from Peter’s.


At the end of his driveway, he spotted a mop of brown hair; Elijah was waiting for him.
I liked the 'mop' thing. LOL.

Well, this was good as I have said before.
Characters:But there was lack of description in it. For me now Eli is a serious kind of boy with brown hair while Peter a one who talks a lot and has blonde hair. I don't know nothing much..except Eli is a sophomore while Peter a freshman and they both are frail. You need to give your characters a bit of more description-how they look, what is their constant reaction and whatsoever. Don't bother if you've done it in next chapter. :D I like Eli and Peter, they are totally opposite but still good friends. Peter doesn't shut up, does he? :wink:

Grammar: You missed commas two three times, but hey that's good..extremely good. Also, I would like to say that your piece was clean and clear...pious. No amateur mistakes.

Story:
Okay you have a very good story in hand and I am loving it.
ust for your information. As you made one of the boys said that they speak Pakistani...its not so(I know that was for fun and comedy). They speak Urdu(you might be knowing it :P)
So you should do a lot of research on Nanga Parbat, mountain climbing, as people would love to know facts which they're unaware of...and make it realistic as much as possible. Though ti is realistic.

Overall, a good job. Just describe the surroundings a bit more and you would be set on track. I would review more.

Flying off for now! :superman:
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8413
Reviews 52
Thanks! I'll fix those issues once I post this. I have done a whole lot of research on Nanga Parbat. Actually, I did my finals project on it. I am working on description and stuff. That's not my strong area, but I'm working on it. Where I live, everyone, even the teacher, refers to it as a math book. When I wrote this chapter, I didn't know what they spoke in Pakistan, and so I write Pakistani in hopes I was right, and if it wasn't, it would just show how smart Peter is. Now, after doing that project and whatnot, I know the Pakistani people speak Urdu, which is an awesome word by the way. :)
Thanks for the review!

-Emily
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 30338
Reviews 560
Hey there! I'm here to review your novel :D

As a first chapter this isn't particularly gripping, but it did draw me in. I quite like the characters, there's quite a nice contrast between them without the stereotypical happy-kind/grouchy-mean traits.

The main thing that stands out is that the style of this writing makes it seem like it's written for children, but the beginning gives me the impression that it won't really end that way. Thinking ahead, will the style change as the story progresses, or something of a similar idea?

As for the structure of the whole piece, there's an aweful lot of speech. Between the short sentences and the big speeches I'd say you've varied it quite well, but it could still do with a little more detail. I think it would be good if you mentioned a few other things that would hint towards their characters, like how they dress, what they walk like, that kind of thing.

Apart from that it's a nice read. The characters are relatable, and easily likable, and there's enough substance to give the story a kick start.

On to chapter two :)
We were born to be amazing.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8413
Reviews 52
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Like I have mentioned before, I do need to work on my use of adjectives and description. I don't really understand the concept of writing style. It just doesn't click in my mind. If I did, I would answer your question. Anyway, thanks for commenting!

-Emily :D
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1193
Reviews 262
I want to say first off that I love this. I also love how it's Christian because I am one and it's the first truly religious thing I have seen on this site. It's encouraging because something I'm going to start soon is religious.

I like Peter! And as for the hug thing, anyone that optimistic and who apparently doesn't care what others think and has a pure and clean mind, all traits I am seeing in him, will hug a dude without hesitation in a situation like that. I found nothing wrong with that.

My only problem was--and this might just be me--was I found it a little hard to follow. As in, from class, to end of school, to home. Maybe use more transitional phrases and keep them in separate paragraphs from the speech.

Hope I helped. :)

loveness, ultraviolet
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8413
Reviews 52
Okidokie! I'll keep that in mind! Yeah. I noticed the lack of religious stuff on here, so I was a little iffy about posting it up, but I did. It's cool to meet another Christian on here! *shakes hand*
Well, it's not entirely religious so far, but I'm going to work it into the plot eventually. :smt001

Thanks again!

-Emily
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1614
Reviews 25
Peter's awesome! haha! People keep saying that he sounds gay and stuff but I like him! I like Eli too, but I like Peter just a tad bit more. haha! Great first chapter, by the way. It was very well written!
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
~Joshua 24:15

@(^_^)@<--- This is review monkey. He says hi!



Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li