The Tears of Pain and Blood

This is just something quick I wrote during class. It's not great, but I tried. Tell me what you think.

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The flow of tears fell like the swell of blood.
They pored from your eyes and chest.
I held you as you seeped away,
But closer I still came.

I lay your head upon my lap,
I showered you with tears.
But still you did not let go,
to what you were to me.

I know you will wait for me,
until I to am done and dead.
I think of every passing day,
of what you once said.

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I know the last paragraph rhymes, but it wasn't intentional. I thought it doesn't fit because the rest of it didn't rhyme, so can you please tell me of what I can say instead.

I thought this was a very captivating poem. The short style of it draws the reader in almost instantly, and the way it's present makes almost anyone relate to this poem somehow. I think you did a great job.

As for the final portion of your poem, I'm not sure what you could say instead. Maybe you could change "said" to "spoke"? I don't really know, but I hope I helped.
Anyways, good luck!

-Tyler

It was decent, but some points didn't sit right. Kind of vague, but I like that. It gives one room to think more. Keep writing in this style.

Just because something rhymes more not doesn't make it good or bad.
A poem can have rhyme or not and it still be good.
From my experience its hard to critique a poem because poems express feeling and emotion. Poem is not like a story that can be good or bad.
A poem is what YOU makeof it and the only thing people can really say is how they like it or don't like it.
personaly I liked it.

Hey Kingolions.

This...confused me. It's like a snippet of something that happens, and doesn't quite tell the whole story.

kingolions wrote:
The flow of tears fell like the swell of blood.
They poured from your eyes and chest. The tears? From the chest? Or blood? Please clear that up; it really throws off the scene.
I held you as you seeped away,
But closer I still came. These two lines are strange...If you're holding a person, yes, you're going closer, so I don't get the "but."

I lay your head upon my lap; This reads as present tense; the rest is past...? Also I put the semicolon here because the comma can't separate two independent clauses.
I showered you with tears.
But still you did not let go(no comma)
to what you were to me. These two lines here are odd. Maybe change "to" to "of." But even still...well, I guess it could make sense, but we don't really know what this person was to you.

I know you will wait for me,
until I, too, am done and dead.
I think of every passing day(no comma)
of what you once said. Again, you don't really clarify, here. What did this person once say? I mean, there's maybe an idea that it was just "I love you" or something(though that might be completely wrong!) based on the first two lines of this stanza, but I think that if you added what exactly they said, it would help create more meaning.

So right now...it has the potential to be heartfelt, but it sort of misses. And this is basically because we have no idea what the two people in this poem shared, and what they were to each other. We only have a small idea of what exactly happened, but at least you made it clear that the person is dying, which is all right. But right now...it's a more light-hearted look at it, and that doesn't seem to work quite as well.

So. I know that there's not a ton of room to do this in a poem, but it can be done--try to put a bit more feeling into this. Try to have what exactly is on the narrator's mind show through as this is happening, and set us up to know a little more about the situation.

Also, I see you tried to use regular punctuation in here--which I like! Very much! (I'm a sucker for properly-punctuated poetry.) I just saw a few discrepancies there, but nothing too big.

Other than that, I'm not too great at poetry, but this is just my two cents. And also, completely my opinion, so you could ignore it if you like.

I think you can make this better, though.

Good luck, keep writing, and thanks for posting!

i thought this poem was very well-written. you should keep writing like this, because i think it expresses your emotions really well. even if you weren't truly feeling that way, it made it seem like you did. there were a few grammatical errors, but other than that, i enjoyed this piece.
"I know you will wait for me,
until I to am done and dead.
I think of every passing day,
of what you once said."
hmmm.... i really like this stanza. but the last sentence doesn't really fit the rhythm. i dont kno what you really could replace it with if you want something that is saying the same thing. but you could replace it with something like 'of what you might have said' or 'of what you could have said'.... but i realize that those don't have the same meanings as what you currently have.. just a suggestion...
but yes. i like this.