Home

It's kind of vauge, because this was something that sort of happened to me, and it's really personal. I hope you like it anyway.
(Also, I'm sorry about the length. I'm not great at writing super long stories.)

Home

“Home” is not something you’ve had to think a lot about. You’ve always told yourself, well, your parents love you, and you’ve got a great family, so you must be home. You never questioned “home” until the day you walked in and realized that’s where you were.

And the thing is, you knew it as soon as you walked in, as soon as you heard that voice, that that’s where you were. You never expected it, but a voice went through your head saying, “I’m home.” And this continued happening every time you would walk through those doors. You figured that it was the building itself that was home to you; nothing to do with the people in it.

But then your home was taken from you; not ripped out from under you, but like a tidal wave knocked you over, sending you to shore, and took it far out to sea, where you can still see it, but it’s too far to swim alone. You’d need a boat to carry you there, but nobody is willing to lend one to you.

It’s not until you have that dream that you realize what was truly home. In your dream, you’re not the one that left – he is. And that place, that building, all those people are trying to pull it together without him, but they can’t. Then someone says something about being home; and you realize that you don’t feel at home anymore. It’s not the building that was home to you after all; it was him. It was always him.

Very touching and perceptive.

Hello, I'm Kate! I can tell that you wrote this with a lot of emotion. Great job on that! Putting your emotions into words is never easy.

I'm not going to burden you with grammar, because really, there wasn't anything I thought was exceedingly important to stress to you.

However, I felt a major lack of knowing whose eyes I was seeing through. Establish the main character quickly! I had no frame of reference as to where anything was taking place, and, to be frank, I just thought you were going on and on about the definition of home.

Although, I wouldn't worry about any of that very much. You didn't write a long story, so the lack of certain criterias is to be expected. I would just suggest that you don't linger on basically one word too long. I started getting bored fairly quickly. And it's short. >.< So, intoxicate people from the very beginning! I know you can do it. You are great at pulling in emotion.

Hopefully I didn't sound too harsh or completely ignorant. xD Great job! I hope I helped in some way.

Kate

Hiya! Classy here.

I wouldn't categorize this as a short story. It has no plot or dialogue. It seems more like a personal essay or something like that. It seems like a speech you would give a young child, and that's probably what I like most about this. Everything you said seems to be true, and I like how this opens my eyes a bit.

The criticism I have is that you are speaking in the second person. I'm not a fan of second person, but that's not the point. When you speak using you, it seems as though you're talking down to people, and that's not what people want to read about. So if you revise this or something, try to take a lighter tone, because at the time it seems like a lecture.

Good writing!

Classy

Heya!
Here to review, obviously.

“Home” is not something you’ve had to think a lot about. You’ve always told yourself, well, your parents love you, and you’ve got a great family, so you must be home. I don't really like the way you've phrased this at the beginning. Maybe you could change it to something like ~ You've always told yourself that your parents love you and you've got a great family, so you must be home You never questioned “home” until the day you walked in and realized that’s where you were.
As a first paragraph, I think that this was strong. It made me think about what you were saying, which is actually kind of weird. That's what rhetorical questions normally makes the reader do! I think that it's a good thing though.

And I'm one f those picky people who don't like sentences that begin with 'And'. Maybe you could sort that out...? the thing is, you knew it as soon as you walked in. As soon as you heard that voice, that that’s where you were. You never expected it, but a voice went through your head saying, “I’m home.” And this continued happening every time you would walk through those doors. You figured that it was the building itself that was home to you; nothing to do with the people in it. I really liked this quote. That's definitely how most people seem to think.

But then your home was taken from you; not ripped out from under you, but like a tidal wave knocked you over, sending you to shore, and took it far out to sea, where you can still see it, but it’s too far to swim alone. This sentence was a bit on the long side! Maybe you could replace some of those commas with periods or something? You’d need a boat to carry you there, but nobody is willing to lend one to you. Oooo... I loved this quote too!

It’s not until you have that dream that you realize what was truly home. In your dream, you’re not the one that left – he is. And Once again; you've started a sentence with and. that place, that building, all those people are trying to pull it together without him, but they can’t. Then someone says something about being home; and you realize that you don’t feel at home anymore. It’s not the building that was home to you after all; it was him. It was always him. I loved your ending, it was strong!

Overall

My main critique about this is the same as Classy's; this seems more like a speech or something than a story. You don't have any characters, there's no dialogue and there isn't actually a plot to this either. I'm not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing! I just think that you should maybe move this to the 'Other' forum instead.

I can't really critique this as a story because it doesn't really read like one! As a speech though, I think that it's very good. There is a lot of emotion in this piece of work and I really do like some of the quotes in it. I've highlighted my favourite ones in blue, by the way. I adore the message of this piece of writing and when I think about what you're saying, it's actually very true. That's the best thing about this kind of writing; it's truthful.

As for my small, rather pointless nit-picks; I don't really like how you've started a few sentences with and. It's more of a personal thing, to be honest. I know that quite a few people would agree with me though. It's okay to use and at the beginning of a sentence when you're writing a scene which needs suspense and short sentences. I'm just not too keen on using and at the beginning of a sentence in a piece like this.

Another minor nit-pick is that you tend to make sentences longer than they should be sometimes. There was one part especially, that I highlighted in red, where an entire paragraph was mostly one sentence! This is a pretty easy problem to solve though, just replace some of the commas with periods and semi colons. I think that there are quite a few threads to help you with comma use around YWS. You should take a look at some if you're not sure about them!

Nit-picks and critiques aside, I really did enjoy reading this! I loved the emotion you put into this piece of writing and like I said before, some of the things you said really made me think. That's one of the reasons it seems more like a speech than a story, actually. You made the reader think about what you were saying. Also, because it was written in second person, it made it speech-like.

I'm definitely glad that I decided to read this. Although, I do think that you should consider moving this into 'Other' instead of keeping it in a short story forum. You might also get more helpful reviews if you do that.

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

Beautiful. It made me smile and frown at the same time. It sounds like it could be the excerpt to a novel, and 2nd person sounds strange in that context. I know it's just a 'short story' -I wouldn't really call it that, it's too vague and short- and you still pulled it off well.