A Kiss in Shape of a Shiver

The wind sent you a kiss
in shape of a shiver
across the nape of your neck
as she tapped her cigarette into the ashtray
across from you.

She sensed darkness in your energy,
sensed tension in between you three,
as if she could tell your heart
had been beating black
since that fateful 2:17 AM.

Your honest words
that were playing out in your mind
would've only broken her down
if they danced across your tongue,
daring a disaster zone of their own.

Your thin fingers were still shaking,
your foot was still tapping
to that nervous and jittery beat
that had been playing on repeat
inside your head since that morning.

For what seemed like hours,
but were only moments
of utter silence
outside a quaint little coffee shop,
hard eyes softened and started to twinkle again.

Hello!

I'm not quite sure what to make of this poem. It is definitely interesting, keeping me wondering about what is going on until the end. (: It seems to be all over the place though.. The flow turns choppy, and some pieces of information feel out of place in the entire whole. Mystery, mystery~

I can't tell if there's any relation at all between her and "me"; it feels scattered.

She sensed darkness in your energy,
sensed tension in between you three

For example, the "you three" comes in and WOW is it a piece of information that I didn't expect before. Who is the three, is she included, what happened between us three..? But there is no mention later of it at all. It either adds to the mystery, or throws the poem because of its broken flow.

For what seemed like hours,
but were only moments
of utter silence
outside a quaint little coffee shop,
hard eyes softened and started to twinkle again.

Definitely my favorite stanza, though the last line... feels a little cliche. Not that that is wrong, but, once again, broken flow. Perhaps gather your thoughts and edit to make more sense? It feels all over the place.

Thank you, hope I could help, and keep writing! (:
-Nikki

You know what? I love it when poems have a FASCINATING title - and this one certainly did.

The wind sent you a kiss
in shape of a shiver
across the nape of your neck
as she tapped her cigarette into the ashtray
across from you.

At first, I thought I didn't like this; upon a second read, I've decided it's clever enough, even if it comes across as slightly cliche. I would have preferred you to do the 'big reveal' of what you meant by a 'kiss in the shape of a shiver' later on, to keep us curious throughout the poem, so I thought telling us from the outset kind of killed the mystery a bit. And it was definitely an arresting image.

She sensed darkness in your energy,
sensed tension in between you three,
as if she could tell your heart
had been beating black
since that fateful 2:17 AM.

Wasn't too keen on this stanza - 'darkness in your energy' - there could have been more interesting ways to describe that. 'Heart had been beating black' is really fascinating, but I think that strange line break threw me off, and I didn't actually realise what it said, first time round. And 'fateful 2:17 a.m.' was brilliant - I like specific nuggets of details, since you seem to be saying a lot, when in fact, you're obscuring the bigger picture all the more - a good double edged effect, I think.

The rest of the poem didn't do much for me, I'm afraid. It had little inventive imagery, if any, and it certainly wasn't as telling as the beginning. Think about spicing up the story a bit more, and it'll become a really cute poem!

Hey I liked this poem! thats why I chose to critique it

Saying that I still have a few complaints to make

The wind sent you a kiss
in shape of a shiver
across the nape of your neck
as she tapped her cigarette into the ashtray
across from you.

In this vers you use the word across twice! You should change the second across to opposite! I also think you could use more descriptive word to get the message across! After all that is what poetry is about. Instead of saying sent, you could say blew or wafted? I think blew would be a good word here though as that is exactly what the wind does. I also do not get why you used the image of a woman taping her cigarette into the ashtray! The mention of a cigarette makes one think of fire yet you are trying to make the reader feel cold with the shiver, and the wind blowing.

She sensed darkness in your energy,
sensed tension in between you three,
as if she could tell your heart
had been beating black
since that fateful 2:17 AM.

this art confuses me. . darkness in your energy?! What energy!
I like the rest

Your honest words
that were playing out in your mind
would've only broken her down
if they danced across your tongue,
daring a disaster zone of their own.

this is good! Maybe a bit more descriptive though - dancing sweetly on your tongue! You must love the word across

For what seemed like hours,
but were only moments
of utter silence
outside a quaint little coffee shop,
hard eyes softened and started to twinkle again.

I think you have the ending dead on! I didn't really understand what was happening until I read this verse.

Anyway, just make a few corrections and be a bit more descriptive and remember a poem is not as long as a story you have to be precise when you pick your words! metaphors are great way to get across the point you are making so maybe at the end verse you could bring back in the idea of the shiver fading away?! Great ideas though! Well done.

Best of luck with the final draft.

hello

I have to say, I actually loved this poem...I often say that
but this time I mean it.
I also have to say that at first there was a lot of it I hated...I
thought that the first stanza didnt make sense...the random third person
seemed unecessary ...unless you meant the wind? but after I read it again
I started to understand a bit more and it grew on me...you have really
beautiful imagery, although maybe it would be an idea to have a few less
hanging mysteries in there . I liked them well enough and some people
might too but they also kind of leave you hanging.

Umm..only other problems are the punctuation and the repetition of across..
but that's just me whining, otherwise, I wish I could write something
like that. It was unique It was lovely
xoxo
t

Fabien wrote:The wind sent you a kiss
in shape of a shiver
across the nape of your neck
as she tapped her cigarette into the ashtray
across from you.

I like this stanza. Consider capitalizing She across the entire poem in order to make She seem like a character.

Fabien wrote:She sensed darkness in your energy,
sensed tension in between you three,
as if she could tell your heart
had been beating black
since that fateful 2:17 AM.

Drop the AM. Not needed and distracting. Also, what is you three? Who you three? Her, you, and me? I don't remember that!

Consider revising so you have less words because right now there are too many "in's" and "that's" Remember in good writing, nothing is wasted

Fabien wrote:Your honest words
that were playing out in your mind
would've only broken her down
if they danced across your tongue,
daring a disaster zone of their own.

Again, delete "that." This is your best stanza

Fabien wrote:Your thin fingers were still shaking,
your foot was still tapping
to that nervous and jittery beat
that had been playing on repeat
inside your head since that morning.

consider changing that had been been playing to "played on repeat"

That's all I got. Cheers.