The Notebook

September 7

She walked into the room, and everything seemed to pause momentarily. She was small and delicate. I was afraid if I laid my finger on her she would break. She was at least 5’3. She would probably come up to the middle of my stomach. She walked down my aisle to take the desk next to me. Her backpack had other ideas though, and for that I will be forever thankful. Her backpack hit my notebook, the notebook I write everything in. It fell to the ground. I looked at her, making sure that my expression wouldn’t give anything away. She was…beautiful. She had light brown hair, it fell mid back. Her side bangs covered part of her left eye. Her eyes were filled with innocence. They were a literal mix between blue and green, you weren’t able to say they were just blue or just green, because they were really right in between. Her body was toned and she wasn’t skinny like other girls. She had a body, a body a normal girl should have. She had some meat on her, but just the right amount. She had amazing curves also. He feet were the tiniest feet I had ever seen, they were at least three times smaller than mine (mine are a size 12).
After what felt like an eternity, she bent down and picked up my notebook and handed it to me, our hands slightly touching. She smiled. I just looked at her like I had before.
“Why don’t you take a picture? It lasts longer,” She remarked. I lifted the left side of my lip slightly, not wanting to show my full smile. She said the oldest saying in the book and she acted as if she could beat me up.
“Nope, I’d rather not. I don’t like taking pictures of thing I could care less about.” I said, like the stupid smart ass I am. Her eyes filled with anger for a second, and then she took the desk next to me. Her name was the most beautiful name I ever heard. Rebecca Mace, I could say it over and over again. I laughed slightly when she answered when the teacher called her name. I looked at her from the corner of my eye as she raised her name diligently and said here. I could see her looking over at me from the corner of my eye.
“We aren’t taking notes yet,” She said.
“Yeah, I know. I’m writing something else idiot.” I answered, meanly. I had a tendency to do that, push people away when they are the ones I want in my life. It’s a habit. I didn’t want that though. I wanted something else. I wanted to try something else. I wanted to get to know her; I wanted her in my life. She was different, I knew that for sure. So, I devised a plan. It was weird…different, but I wanted to try it, so I got a new notebook and started to write in it. It was to her. It was my starting off new plan, but only with her. It started out like this:
Hey Rebecca,
I’m Gideon, but you probably already know that…
The rest is the beginning of a new world as we know it.

Hey pshhxhoney, I'll be reviewing your story today.

She walked into the room, and everything seemed to pause momentarily. She was small and delicate. I was afraid if I laid my finger on her she would break. She was at least 5’3. She would probably come up to the middle of my stomach. She walked down my aisle to take the desk next to me. Her backpack had other ideas though, and for that I will be forever thankful. Her backpack hit my notebook, the notebook I write everything in. It fell to the ground. I looked at her, making sure that my expression wouldn’t give anything away. She was…beautiful. She had light brown hair, it fell mid back. Her side bangs covered part of her left eye. Her eyes were filled with innocence. They were a literal mix between blue and green, you weren’t able to say they were just blue or just green, because they were really right in between. Her body was toned and she wasn’t skinny like other girls. She had a body, a body a normal girl should have. She had some meat on her, but just the right amount. She had amazing curves also. He feet were the tiniest feet I had ever seen, they were at least three times smaller than mine (mine are a size 12).

She...she...she...she...she...her..her...her... There's a lot of that in this paragraph and it's mainly just a huge info. dump. Break up this paragraph and spread out her description through out the entire piece instead of telling us in this one paragraph. Also, give away her appearances subtly, instead of flat out telling the reader.

“Why don’t you take a picture? It lasts longer,” She remarked. I lifted the left side of my lip slightly, not wanting to show my full smile. She said the oldest saying in the book and she acted as if she could beat me up.

I like the beginning line, but in the end I was a little confused. Up until this point, I have no proof that this girl is acting like she could beat this guy up. Show that in the way she talked to him. For example:

"Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer." She remarked, drawing up to her full height, and staring me straight in the eyes. Her tough act was just that, an act, but....

That wasn't really good, but I think you get the idea.

“Nope, I’d rather not. I don’t like taking pictures of thing I could care less about.” I said, like the stupid smart ass I am. Her eyes filled with anger for a second, and then she took the desk next to me.

You're quickly jumping to different emotions. First, she's acting all friendly and then suddenly she's mad, but she takes the seat next to him. Why doesn't she take a different seat? I know I would if someone had been a jerk to me. You need to add in more descriptions on how these two people are feeling (or at least what your main character is feeling). Is he surprised that the girl took a seat next to him?

Other than that, you're off to a very good start. You can take this in many interesting directions.

Embee.

Hi, uh... Honey? Can I call you Honey? Okay, well I will. This was a sweet little romance story. There are some nitpicks, though.

Like Embee said, the first paragraph is full of sentences that start with she, her, it, I, which made it repetative. Try changing up sentence structure a bit. Here's a example: Instead of this-"Her body was toned and she wasn’t skinny like other girls. She had a body, a body a normal girl should have. She had some meat on her, but just the right amount. She had amazing curves also. "

Try something like this- " She had a body that a normal girl should: toned with amazing curves. Unlike the all other skinny girls, she had just the right amount of meat on her."
That wasn't that best written, but you see how I combined several sentences into two? And how the 2nd mixes up sentence structure by starting with a dependent clause, instead of "She"? Play around with things like that.

He feet were the tiniest feet I had ever seen, they were at least three times smaller than mine (mine are a size 12).

Something you should really try to do is de-clutter your writing. When writing a sentence, check back to see if you're getting the point across without excess information. Like in the example above, you tell us she has tiny feet, but you throw in lots of things that we didn't need to know. There are such discrepancies between women's and men's shoes that saying he wears a size twelve doesn't really help me, as a girl, figure out what size three times smaller than that would be. Plus, I don't really care, so long as I know her feet are small. It's all unnecessary. Oh and by the way, if she has tiny feet, she'll probably have tiny hands. I should know, I have both.

“Why don’t you take a picture? It lasts longer,” She remarked. I lifted the left side of my lip slightly, not wanting to show my full smile. She said the oldest saying in the book and she acted as if she could beat me up.

Once again, it's like Embee said. You don't show that she acts like she could beat him up. One reason that we don't see that, I think, is the word "remarked". It implies a, well, a casual remark. A comment, without a lot of purpose behind it. That's not the case if she's acting like she could beat him up. And Grammar Tip!- She shouldn't be capitalized after dialogue. Basically, if you would capitalize a word in the middle of a sentence (I, Rebecca) then capitalize it after dialogue. If you'd leave it lowercase (he, she, the dog) then leave it lowercase after dialogue.

Her name was the most beautiful name I ever heard. Rebecca Mace, I could say it over and over again.

How about you put this after the teacher calls attendance and she answers to Rebecca. Right now, we've got no reason to think that the main character knows her name, and it's creepy that he does. Especially since he's, like, tasting it.

I had a tendency to do that, push people away when they are the ones I want in my life. It’s a habit. I didn’t want that though. I wanted something else. I wanted to try something else. I wanted to get to know her; I wanted her in my life.

The sentences in bold state things that have already been said in the sentences in italics. You don't want to repeat yourself. Like I said, de-clutter.

The rest is the beginning of a new world as we know it.

Is should be was because you're still talking about the past. The beginning of a world as we know it... Well, that's just too much. Try something like: The rest was the beginning of the world as we know it. Or: The rest was the beginning of a new world.

Overall: So, you're characters aren't very developed, and most of the development is flat-out told to the reader. However, it's a short piece, so in later parts try to develop them more. Other than that I just have one word: De-clutter! (Is that a word? Whatever, it works.) Try to get rid of unnecessary information and things you've already said. Also, try to play with sentence structure to get rid of repeatativeness. (Whoo, I'm making up words all over the place!)

Other than that, it was such a cute little story, and I'd like to read more.

~Karma

This was only okay because you put the description in but it was really all over the place and that's really not what you should do in your writing. If your going to do description put it all in one sentence it just makes it look better.