Lost Love; First Love

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When I was a little girl, I used to think that when my Prince Charming came, I would recognize him at once. He would take me on his great white horse and we would disappear in the horizon, later get married and have ten perfect little children. But everything is not always rainbows and sunshine like storybooks: nothing along this lines happened when I first met Alexander. When I first saw him, time didn't stop; he didn't smile at me or even look me in the eye. Actually, he pushed me and made me fall in the cold water of Martha Lake. Not quite the ideal way to meet the love of your life.
It all started when I went with a couple of my friends to Martha Lake for a birthday party. I couldn’t say I was excited to go, I hated the sun and could barely swim. It was Washington for god’s sake; it’s supposed to be rainy and cloudy. But today was one of those rare summer days when people could all come out and swim and bask in the sunlight. Everyone except me.
I was all for it crawling under the covers and hoping that the day would pass as soon as possible. But no, Anna just had to have her stinking’ Sweet 16 on that ‘perfect’ sunny day and had to drag me along. I, being disoriented and tired, agreed without knowing the consequences and was found clad in a purple string bikini crowded around a barbecue stand. There goes for my plans for the day.
Saying to Happy Birthday to Anna once I found her, I walked quietly on the edge of the dock, chatting quietly to a girl I met along the way. I had no intention to join Anna and her friends, who were currently playing in the tides. I could just make do by standing on the wooden dock, talking idly to some people I recognized from school.
I hoped the day would pass without incident, me in the corner while people had the time of their lives. I could spend the day like that; actually I have spent the day like that, just talking to some people while others were partying or having fun. But no, Alexander just had to come and ruin it.
Alex, what he was usually called, strode on the dock. I never actually personally met Alex; all I knew him from what Anna talked about him. She said he was boisterous, loud, and a prankster. She called him everything I’m not; I responded by smacking her with a pillow.
He had gravity defying spikes of dirty blond hair that was orderly pushed off to the side, round azure eyes that twinkled like Christmas lights, natural tan skin that was moist from the lake water, and he wore a merry smile as he walked along.
He was your average happy-go-lucky optimistic kid. I would have never given him another thought until he walked passed me. He, being the one who wasn’t paying attention, pushed me with his elbow and I began my descent to the waters of Martha Lake.
I grimaced as my back crashed through the rough water and submerged at least two feet under. I flailed my limbs, trying to reach the surface. Gasping for air, I wrapped my arms on the yellow ladder that was attached to the old wooden dock.
“What was that for?” I yelled at him, still wrapped around the ladder, as if I let go I would drown, which probably would happen.
But he never heard. He continued on his merry way, never sparing me a glance. My hatred of him started from there, as a small insignificant grudge. As time went on, my hate for him diminished and I grew quite fond of the boisterous prankster.


“AURORA!” I winced as Alex sprinted down the corridor, disrupting at least 10’s of students just to get my attention.
“Alex, I’m right here.” I dully stated as I waited for him to catch his breath as he leaned on his knees and gasped for air.
“Yeah, I know.’ I twitched at his simple answer. He can run around screaming his lungs out for me and just says 'I know' when I confront him about it.
“I just wanted to tell you something!” He sounded as excited as a little kid who got there first puppy or something.
I nodded to show him that I was listening. I gazed at him questioningly as his cheeks grew red and his eyes darted around.
“I met the new girl, Bella, and….I….I have a crush on her!” He whispered. His smile couldn’t get even wider.
However, my reaction was nothing like that. My eyes were wide as my jaw was slacked. My broad shoulders were hunched in defeat as I stared at him in shock. He….liked someone. The minute he said this, I felt a rising bubble of anger. And jelousy? Why was I jealous? He likes someone else, why should I care.
I try to reassure myself with my thoughts, but that helous feeling never went away. After many late nights I knew, that I was utterly in love with Alexander Evans.
The minute he said those words, I guess we drifted apart. I couldn’t bear to look at him after he told me,
It was weeks, possibly months, until I decided to finally talk to Alex and tell him that I like him, no, love him.
I bit my lip as I walked down the barren halls, searching for Alex. When we were still friends, he normally hung out after school since he hated going home. I often stayed with him as we chatted about our day.
Finally spying his blonde spikes in the courtyard, I hurried over.
“A---“ My voice grew silent as my hands hung on my side. Tears blurred my vision as they streamed down my face and dripped onto the sidewalk.
I stumbled back slightly, making sure I wasn’t dreaming or hallucinatiting. Alex was kissing, kissing, Bella. The couple never noticed me as they were deep in their kiss.
I turned on the ball of my foot, not wanting to see anymore. With my head held high, I walked away, saying goodbye to my first love.


Whatcha think? I just had a weird urge and started writing. Like it? Hate it?

Ciao! :elephant:
Last edited by NepoGirl on Tue Apr 27, 2010 2:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
This Months Disney Film: Beauty And The Beast

~Is It Wrong That I Find The Beast More Attractive As An Actual Beast Then His Human Prince Form?




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Hiya, KD here to review! Welcome to YWS, by the way. :)

Nitpicks:

Cross outs, inserted words, added words...corrections in bold.

NepoGirl wrote:When I was a little girl, I used to think that when my Prince Charming would come came, I would recognize him at once.


NepoGirl wrote:But everything is not always rainbows and sunshine like in thestorybooks: nothing along this lines happened when I first met Alexander.


NepoGirl wrote:When I first saw him, time didn't stop; he didn't smile at me or even looked at me in the eye.
I liked this whole first paragraph; great way to start the story, great way to get the reader interested.

NepoGirl wrote:Actually, he pushed me and made me fall in the cold water of Martha Lake.
Hmmm...I wouldn't specify the name of the lake for the intro.

NepoGirl wrote:I was all for it for just to crawling under the covers and hopeing that the day will would pass as soon as possible.


NepoGirl wrote:Singing to Happy Birthday to Anna, I stood quietly on the edge of the dock, chatting quietly to a girl I recognized from Algebra.
This is confusing. It sounds like she's singing and talking to a girl at the same time.

NepoGirl wrote:I could spend the day like that; actually I have spent the day like that.
The second half of this sentence doesn't make sense. Specify.

NepoGirl wrote:Alex, what he was usually called, strode on the dock, apparently he was invited to.
Of course he's allowed to walk on a dock. :?: This doesn't make sense! Explain. Was he not invited to the party?

NepoGirl wrote:I never actually personally met Alex; all I knew was him from what Anna talked about him.


NepoGirl wrote:He had gravity defying spikes of dirty blond hair that was orderly pushed off to the side, round azure eyes that twinkled like Christmas lights, natural tan skin that was moist from the lake water, and he wore a merry smile as he walked along.
New paragraph here, since you're talking about what he looks like as he's walking past the girl.

NepoGirl wrote:He, being the one who wasn’t paying attention, pushed me with his elbow and I began my descent to the waters or Martha Lake.
Lol, yes, great way for them to meet.

NepoGirl wrote:Gasping for air, I nimbly wrapped my airs on the yellow ladder that was attached to the old wooden dock.
'Nimbly' doesn't suit this sentence. 'Airs'?

NepoGirl wrote:“What was that for?” I yelled at him, still wrapped around the ladder, as if if I let go I would drown, which probably would happen.
But he never heard,. he He continued on his merry way, never sparing me a glance. My hatred of him started from there, as a small littleinsignificant grudge. Though, as As time went on and on, my hate for him diminished as and I grew quite fond of the boisterous prankster.
Haha, I love how he doesn't help her and just walks on by as if nothing happened! Very funny. This event adds to his character, and defines him. I assumed that he would rescue her, but no! I think you should put in a large break after this, because time passes between the next event and this one.

NepoGirl wrote:“AURORA!” I winced as Alex sprinted down the corridor, disrupting at least 10’s of students just to get my attention.
What do you mean by '10's of students'?

NepoGirl wrote:“Alex, I’m right here.” I dully stated as I waited for him to catch his breath as he leaned on his knees and gasped for air.
:D I love Alex. Er, his character, of course.

NepoGirl wrote:“I just wanted to tell you something!” He sounded so excited, like how a little kid got there first puppy or something. as excited as a little kid got their first puppy or something.


NepoGirl wrote:“Yeah, I know.’ I twitched at his simple answer. I bet he could say that he kidnapped an elephants with a straight face!
The 'I bet he could say that he kidnapped elephants with a straight face' part doesn't make any sense.

NepoGirl wrote:I gazed at him questioningly as his cheeks grew red and his eyes darted around.


NepoGirl wrote:“I met the new girl, Bella, and….I….I like her!” He whispered, his smile couldn’t get even wider.
Start a new sentence after 'whispered'. You might have to hint out what 'like' means...that 'like' = I have a crush on her.

NepoGirl wrote:My broad shoulders were hunched in defeat as I stared at him in shock. He….liked someone. The minute he said this I knew, that I was utterly in love with Alexander Evans.
You need to talk about how she realized exactly that she was in love with Alex. Probably because she realized that she was jealous, right?

NepoGirl wrote:I couldn’t bear to look at him after he told me and he could care less as he watched Bella chat with her friends.
I don't understand the second half of this sentence.

NepoGirl wrote:When we were still friends, he normally hanged hung out after school since he hated going home.


NepoGirl wrote:Finally spying his blonde spikes in the courtyard, I hurried over, intending to come out with it instead of chickening out.
Don't say the part after 'intending'. It's obvious.

NepoGirl wrote:“A---“ My voice grew became silent as my hands hung on dropped to my side.


NepoGirl wrote:Tears blurred my vision as they streamed down my face and drippingped onto the sidewalk.


NepoGirl wrote:The couple never noticed me as they were deep in there their kiss.



Overall:

Very nice! I really liked this. It wasn't cheesy or corny, like a good chunk of romance stories are. Even though this is short, I still managed to get a good feeling for your characters.
Hope I helped, keep up the good work!

~KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
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Hi!

I liked it. I was going to nitpick, but then I saw that KD already did. She covered all the things that I noticed, so all I have to say is it's pretty good. Keep writing. Practice makes perfect. :)

:elephant: LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET
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Hey Nepo, lets get straight to the point shall we you have some grammatical errors that Kaedee pointed out so I suggest you fix them please and thank you. This was OMG good especially the ending which was totally WOW. It wasn't your typical cliche nor cheesy or corny romance and was perfectly executed. Thanks for the read and now that I'm finish with your review I bid you adieu. Keep writing. :)
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Hi Nepo!

First off, don't apologize for your genre. There's nothing wrong with romance, as long as it's well written. The same goes for any genre; whether it's a horror, sci-fi, action-adventure, or realistic fiction tale, the genre isn't important at all compared to the importance of good writing.

Having said that, here are my two big tips for you:

1) Grammar, spelling, general correctness

Save your readers the trouble of fixing little mistakes. Take the time to do a thorough reading of your work before you post it.

A couple of examples:

Alex, what he was usually called, strode on the dock, apparently he was invited to. I never actually personally met Alex; all I knew was from what Anna talked about him.

Awkward phrasing, to vs. too.

I would have never given him another thought until he walked passed me.

Past, not passed.

Gasping for air, I nimbly wrapped my airs on the yellow ladder that was attached to the old wooden dock.

One minute she's flailing and clumsy, the next she's nimbly wrapping her arms (???) around a ladder. Seems like she'd still be flustered from getting shoved into a lake unexpectedly.

See what I mean? Double check these things for yourself and I think you'll be surprised at how much you can improve a story just by doing a thorough review on your own.

2) Originality

It's one thing to be cheesy or sentimental or sweet, and another thing entirely to be cliched. Make the story your own! Really infuse it with your personality and, by extension, the personalities of your characters to make it vibrant and worth reading. Nobody wants to read something they feel like they've read before, so make it new. Where's Martha Lake? Who cares? ...oh wait, it's in Egypt? Um, sweet? Definitely finishing this story.

If you're not comfortable researching and writing about some place you've never been, that's cool too! Use familiarity to your advantage. I, for instance, went to small, private schools for all of elementary and high school. People who have never been to private school are oddly fascinated with the experience...something I can use to my advantage. Maybe your hometown is boring to you, but people who have never been there will be interested if you show us what's interesting. Show us the cool places around Martha Lake, tell us about the dorky, funny, strange people who live there. Make it your own.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to PM me. Good luck (and welcome to YWS)! :D
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Hey!

Thanks for the tips everyone!

I sort of wanted to just post it so I forgot to edit it. :|

Thanks for all the comments and the complements.

Ciao! :elephant:
This Months Disney Film: Beauty And The Beast

~Is It Wrong That I Find The Beast More Attractive As An Actual Beast Then His Human Prince Form?




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i loved it! It was amazing! I think you've got something really good here. I agree with KD and the rest of the writers above me though. You do have to edit a bit. But all in all, this is great! You do need Description too.
Read mine and pm me when you add more and/or edit!
Nike :)
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