A Shot of Arrogance (Chapter One - Old)

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This is awesome keep going, I'm actually getting addicted but you need to work on the synopsis though, not very catchy
I write because there's nothing left to say...




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Hye Skins! Tis me, Tanya! :D

Ironically enough, I was reading your latest chapter when I got your message. I had to stop and eat or fall flat on my face...But I'm better now.

I've actually been following your story off and on. I never commented because you already have so many good reviewers, and I didn't want to be repetitive. Considering how you asked me though, it would be an honour to read this piece of yours and give you my thoughts. Ready? Set, go!

Okay, just reread it completely. Skins, what's there to add? You've gotten about a million comments (exaggeration, much?) already. Well, here are my thoughts.

Your beginning is slow in coming. Although, like Pink said, you had a beautiful description of the gross food, where was the hook in that? If this were my story, I would start it off with a fight with her parents. Have her yelling at them. (now, because I just read your most recent chappie, I know she's afraid of her father, but still...) You could have her yell that we aren't in barbaric times, she shouldn't be forced to marry against her will. Have her father's face redden. Have warning bells ringing in her mind, letting her know she's pushing her limits. Have her mother wringing her hands or fluttering around nervously. Have Ella run over, trying to smooth things over.
THAT way we see several things at once.
One: What her relationship with her parents is like
Two: What her relationship with her nanny is like.
Three: Show everyone that we are NOT in the old ages, and it would remove confusion.

Skins, you have a good story plot. It's intriguing and interesting. Victoria is interesting. Ollie is hilarious. But you must absolutely make US believe that this is possible in this day in age. Why does she give a rat's a** if her family is ruined when they care so little for her? And for that matter, if they are SO broke, why is Ella still in their employement? If she is simply the Nanny, there is no need for her anymore, right? UNLESS they know that at her age she couldn't find herself another job and they don't want to kick her out to the street. If THAT is the case, then you need to mention it to show us that her parents are actually human. Make sense?

Which brings another point. If they are broke, on the verge of ruin, why in the name of the good lord would they HIRE someone else? Why couldn't Ella serve as an assistant? (First chapter, I know. There'll probably be an explanation but right now, these are the points that come to mind)

Well, that's all I could come up with for now, hope this was helpful and I'm off to the next chapter now!

Tanya :D




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Thank you guys so much for all of the reviews. They genuinely help me so much! :D

hehe... I can't thank you enough... xD
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Skins wrote:A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter One

The official page thingy for A Shot of Arrogance. Join and you get a monkey. :smt001


“The important thing about a problem is not its solution, but what we learn through finding that solution”



On the plate in front of me was a huge pile of sliced chicken breast and an uncomfortably large dump of mash potato. A mountain of colourful vegetables including carrots, leeks, spinach and green beans were placed before me. It was as though a firework had blown up on my plate. The river of dark brown gravy that had been poured all over the food made it look even worse.
I really wasn't in the mood for food right now, there were too many things on my mind. My obsessive parents were hardly making me feel better either. Not to my surprise, they were lecturing me on what had happened an hour or so earlier. Thinking back, I couldn't help but let out a groan as I jabbed my fork into the dark brown slab of beef. I thought you said she was eating chicken.
As I frustratedly rubbed my head, Alexander O'Leary stared at me with his small, brown eyes. The next time I'd hear the word marriage, I would scream until my lungs gave way.
"Come on, Victoria," he crossed him arms, "you need this, it's obvious you do. I need this."
I sighed heavily as he continued his plead. Did he actually expect me to be excited and eager right now? He hadn't bought me a new puppy, he was asking me to marry him.
“You have ten seconds to leave," I shrugged, "One... two... three... four..."
Muttering something rather rude under his breath, Alexander stood up. As he headed towards my bedroom door, he glanced back at me. "Bitch."
I smiled sarcastically as he slammed the door behind him. That was him gone.
The second my bedroom door closed, I let out a long, frustrated sigh. Alexander had been my father’s latest suggestion for a husband; he had also been the worst so far. He may have been the richest of all the men, but he was the most annoying guy I'd ever met. His hair was a rusted brown colour and he had a small, pig-like nose.
I was beginning to get annoyed with myself now. Alexander was the third man I'd met and out of all of the three, he was the worst. Why did finding a half decent guy so hard? They were plastered all over the movies, why couldn't I actually meet one in real life?
Returning my mind back to present time, I shoved the memory of my meeting with Alexander out of my head. I hated to admit something so selfish, but I was beginning to slowly feel sorry for myself. Leaning back in my chair, I cut another piece of beef and lifted my fork into my mouth.
“Your mother and I are, quite frankly, offended by the way you’re behaving.” My father began, causing me to look up at him. “You need to find a husband urgently and you know that. I've explained this to you a thousand times. If you marry, preferably someone wealthy, by the end of November, the estate will be yours, not Joseph's.”
Dropping my fork onto my plate, I glared at my father. “Dad, this isn’t the middle ages! Most girls my age are stressed about going to college, not finding a husband!” My voice raised an octave as the last word left my lips.
My father simply sighed heavily, ignoring the way I felt completely. Gritting his teeth, he ran his hand through his light hair. He knew that I didn’t want this, and he knew that I wasn’t ready to be married. He was too obsessed with keeping all of his money to care about what I wanted.
Silence took over after that. There was the odd grumble by my father and the sound of clattering cutlery every few minutes, but it certainly didn't make the atmosphere of the room any more comfortable. The second I excused myself from the large, wooden table, relief swept through my body. I hated spending time with my parents, all I ever did was argue with them. With my food more or less untouched, I excused myself from the table.
“Stupid parents,” I mumbled to myself, running up the stairs. “All that they care about is money and their perfect little reputations.” I opened my bedroom door. “I'm seventeen for Christ's sake! I mean, how barbaric can you get? If they’re that bothered about it then why don’t they just have another kid? There we go, problem so-”
Surprised and slightly confused, I shot my head up. Lying on my bed was a young, light haired boy wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a battered navy hoodie. He was grinning from ear to ear.
“Who on earth are you?” I stared at him angrily, not moving an inch from my doorway.
The boy simply started to laugh, his eyes glistening with amusement. At first, I thought that he might have been another one of my father’s husband ‘suggestions’ but that thought didn’t last long. I only needed to look at him to realise that wasn’t the case. His clothes looked as though they hadn’t been washed. Ever. His sandy blonde hair was incredibly messy and on his feet he wore a pair of old, battered converse shoes.
Without giving it another thought, I screamed for Ella, my nanny. I couldn't leave my room, who knew what he could do in there? I'd caught him now and I wasn't letting him go anywhere. There was no way I was going to let some idiot break into my house. There were going to be some serious consequences.
“Whoa! Chill out!” the boy quickly sat up and looked at me, causing me to jump slightly. “I ain’t gonna bloomin’ kill you! Well... as long as I like you, I won’t.”
I was pretty sure that he was joking, but I still felt horribly uncomfortable. I quickly glanced into the hallway behind me. Where was Ella? I kept my feet glued in the same spot, afraid of what the boy might do. My heart was hastily beating, making me want to turn and run.
Mentally kicking myself, I forced myself to stay where I was. Don't be silly, I thought to myself, There must be a reasonable explanation for this. Even if there was a reasonable explanation, I was still freaked out. Keeping my eyes on the boy, I screamed for Ella.
“Seriously Victoria, I’m goin’ deaf here.” He stood up and headed towards me.
Once again, I yelled Ella's name. Where in the world was she? Normally, I’d call her and she’d be here within a matter of seconds. I didn't take my eyes off the boy, not for one moment.
Rolling his eyes, the boy stood a good couple of feet away from where I was standing. Oh God, he was getting closer to me. This was a bad idea. A really bad idea. I was about to make a run for it when the boy opened his mouth again.
“I’m Ollie Poynter,” he smiled. “Well, Oliver technically, but yeah. Just call me Ollie.”
My eyes were glued onto his face. He had some weird, perfectly casual grin on his face. I'd completely forgotten about running away now, I was too bewildered of the fact that there was some random, scruffy teenage boy in my bedroom, talking to me. He was acting as if it was completely normal.
Oliver clearly noticed the confusion and frustration in my face. Unsurprisingly, he began laughing again. I gritted my teeth. I could really do with Ella turning up now.
“Don’t worry, I ain’t here to hurt you, I’m here to work.” Oliver grinned, his dark green eyes scanning my room. “I know this house is big and all, but seriously? Your room is like the size of my entire flat. Mind you, my flat ain’t that big. It ain’t really small though, I’ve been in smaller ones.” He started laughing. “Right, there’s this one guy who lives in his flat with, like, twenty three cats. His name’s Jeff! How weirdly normal is that? Jeff’s such a common name, but if you think about it, you never actually meet anyone called Jeff. Well, except for the mad cat guy I know.”
I gaped at Oliver, aware of the fact that there was a bizarre expression on my face. What the hell was he on about? Why was he even talking to me? I wasn't afraid anymore, I was just completely baffled. He was acting like a ten year old.
Still talking, Oliver began casually strolling around my room. Although I had no idea whatsoever who he was, I didn't feel unsafe around him. The only thing I was worried about was his mental health. He had begun to talk about fruit or something as he ran his fingers along the screen of my computer. That was it.
“Ella!” I screamed my head off. “Ella!”
"Victoria? What in God’s name is wrong?” Ella suddenly came rushing into the room.
“Him!” I complained, pointing at Oliver, who’d finally shut up.
Ella then turned at him. Looking back at her, Oliver smiled as a pair of small dimples grew on his cheeks. I swore I was going to kill him.
As Ella turned her attention to Oliver, she shook her head and sighed heavily. Although I couldn’t help but notice her forcing a smile off her face.
“She has some serious anger issues!” Oliver jumped onto my bed. “No wonder no one will marry her. She’d probably domestically abuse any guy that gets within five yards of her. Plus, she screams like a banshee.”
Ella tried – and failed – not to laugh. Some obnoxious, dirty boy had just insulted me and Ella had laughed...
Noticing my bitter expression, she immediately stopped chuckling. Oliver clearly didn’t care about my feelings though; he continued grinning happily.
“Sorry Victoria,” Ella apologized before turning to Oliver. “Ollie, I thought I told you not to be so... what’s the word? Enthusiastic? Oh, and get off the bed please.”
I turned to Ella, shocked. “You know him?” As I spoke, my voice seemed to go three octaves higher.
“You bet!” Oliver said, getting off my bed. He’d left an untidy pile of creases where he’d been sitting. “Ella and me are like this.” He crossed his fingers and winked at me.
Completely ignoring Oliver’s comment, my attention remained on Ella. I looked at her, my eyes begging for an explanation.
“I’m friends with his mother,” Ella laughed. “Your parents hired him to be your assistant now that you're looking for a husband, although he’s not doing a very good job of it.”
“Sorry Vic...” Oliver paused as another annoying grin grew on his face. “I mean, Miss. Kingston.”
No way was I going to let this weirdo be my ‘assistant’. Why I needed an assistant in the first place was beyond me. I was perfectly capable of doing things on my own. Knowing my parents, they'd probably just hired him to keep an eye on me, to make sure that I was actually trying to find a decent bloke.
Taking a mint from the bowl on my bedside cabinet, Oliver threw it into his mouth. At least his breath didn’t smell. Thankfully, the rest of him didn’t either, which actually surprised me. He was dressed like a tramp, after all.
Eventually, I managed to get Oliver out of my room. That was the second boy I'd kicked out today, and the fourth one I'd kicked out within the past two months. By the sound of it though, Oliver was going to come back. Judging by what Ella said, it was impossible for me to encourage my parents that I didn't need an assistant.
I’d known Ella for as long as I could remember. I had only just been born when I first saw her long, ash blonde hair that was always tied into a perfect bun. She never really needed to smile, her deep brown eyes did that for her. Her skin was a lot more sagged now that it used to be and her voice sometimes shook when she spoke. The creases on her face did not symbolise old age to me though - they symbolised wisdom.
Ella had taken care of me of a lot more than my own mother had. It wasn’t that I never saw my mother, I just didn’t spend time with her. She was too busy looking after my father and the house. There were hallways and hallways full of different rooms in it. Expensive paintings hung on the old walls and exotic plants surrounded every corner of the building. It was almost like a grand maze.
I collapsed onto my bed as Ella sat herself next to me and gently shut my eyes. There was a cool, refreshing breeze coming from the window. I could hear a few birds chirping outside, momentarily relaxing me until a strong wind blew into my room, flaring my curtains upward. A sharp shiver ran through my body as the gust of wind entered my room. My eyes quickly opened again.
“You can’t keep pushing away every man you meet, Victoria,” a gentle voice spoke.
I raised my eyes to see Ella looking at me. She looked far from impressed. Ella and I both knew that she was right, I just didn’t want to admit it.
“Come on, Ella,” I complained, crossing my arms. “Have you seen some of the men my father has found? That Daniel guy who I met a few months ago was almost twice my age! Plus, he was really creepy.”
As I spoke, a sweet smile grew on Ella’s face. She couldn't help but be amused by my comment. Rubbing her hands on her pinny, she took her shoes off and crossed her legs.
Ella signalled for me to sit up and I did exactly that. Oh, how I despised marriage talk. I anxiously began rubbing my hands. Why couldn’t I just pick a husband? The men my father had shown me hadn’t been that bad. If only things could be simpler. I didn't want any of that. I was seventeen, for God's sake. I didn't want to feel as though I had to find someone to marry within the next year. I didn't want to marry someone because of the fears of my father. I wanted to fall in love.
Ella's small hand was placed gently on my knee. Even though Ella wasn't really my nanny anymore, she truly did feel like a good friend. She was the only one who seemed to be on my side nowadays.
“Look, I know that you’re not too keen on this whole marriage thing,” Ella began. “but you know as well as I do, Victoria, that your family needs this. You marrying a wealthy man in the next year would erase any worries of your parents losing your family’s entire estate.”
I hated it when Ella was right, especially when she made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to get married. I wanted to go out and have fun with friends, break up and make up with lots of guys, go to a collage college not collage, enjoy the freedom of being a young woman. I wanted to live my life, to be a normal seventeen year old girl. Was that too much to ask?
Since the day I entered the world, I never had a chance of being normal. I didn't have a choice. I was born into the Kingston family; one of the richest family's in England. Or at least they were at the time. Although, times had changed since then. Nobody except for my family knew this, but if things were to carry on as they were, our money would soon run out.
My father had stupidly lied to my mother, telling her that the family business was fine for the past five years. She would often ask him why he hesitated when he brought his wallet out, but he'd simply respond by mumbling something about her being paranoid. Soon enough, my father's lies ran dry and both my mother and I realised that the family business was, in fact, struggling. After five years, we realised I would say found out instead of realised because it sounds repetitive. how bad things really were.
There was one more problem though, a bigger one. Joseph Kingston. Joseph Kingston, as much as I hated to say it, was my cousin. Although he was a mere three months older than me, those three months made a huge difference. They were the reason I was not eligible to my family's estate and Joseph was. After my grandfather had died two years ago, the first grandchild to turn eighteen would get absolutely everything. Mine and Joesph's family had never gotten along and they wanted nothing more than to steal everything we owned from us.
Rubbing my temples, I looked back up at Ella. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room. The sound of the wind blowing through my window was the only minor distraction. I couldn't look at Ella, not directly. Instead, my eyes were fixated on my Apple Mac computer that was placed on a large, pine desk in the corner of my room.
After sitting silently for a minute or so, Ella finally gave up on receiving a response from me. She slowly shook her head.
“Just...” she said. “Just try and be more open minded, okay?”
“Okay,” I lied.
Ella was just about to leave my room when she turned around and smiled softly at me. "One more thing," she said, "can you at least try and get along with Ollie? He can be a bit frustrating to be around sometimes, but he's a good kid. Trust me on that one, Victoria. You might have something in common."
Before Ella closed the door behind her, I noticed a slight glimmer in her eyes. It felt as though the words that had come out of her mouth had frozen time for a few seconds. It was as if Ella was trying to tell me something, something she herself was unsure of.
I nodded my head slowly, not saying a single word. The words Ella had just spoken lingered in my head as she quietly closed the door behind her. She left with nothing but uncertainty in the back of my mind.


Great story!! I know I'm late but ths story was on my reading list so I read it. The ony thing I have to say is that why do you have so many italics. When I was reading there seemed to be unnecessary italics. Other than that great story and I am going to read the second one now.

-lilgreendots
Incarceron is a prison like no other
It gives life
It deals death

It Watches All

Incarceron
By: Catherine Fisher


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Hello there, Skinnykins!

Here as requested.

First of all, I thank you for the request. However, I don't think I'd be much of that help as seeing those previous critiques above me. But oh well, on to the review...


“You have ten seconds to leave," I shrugged, "One... two... three... four..."


When there's a comma, you basically don't need to capitalize the first letter of the second quote.

My eyes were glued onto his face. He had some weird, perfectly casual grin on his face.


Perhaps you can erase the highlighted phrase? And because I think it's a bit too repetitive.

“Sorry Victoria,” Ella apologized before turning to Oliver.


Writing "apologized" is a tad redundant because she just said sorry to her.

“I mean, Miss. Kingston.”


You don't need to place a period after the word "Miss", unless your doing that for emphasis from Oliver's dialog. Like for example: "Oh. my. gosh." <-- :wink:

>However, you write a period when it comes to situation like this: "Ms. Kingston"


~

This is very interesting, Skins. I like the story even though the "arranged marriage" of a young lady is commonly used by now. Your characters realistic, so I think you should be happy for that. I like the way you write your main character's point of view and your dialogues are fantastic since they've balanced out very well throughout your piece. I also like how you describe Oliver, you don't literally and simply say that's he is weird, funny and all, but it is through his personality and actions that can make your readers think that he is. However, I'm just sort of confused as to why Oliver was chosen to be the assistant of Victoria. Does it something have to do with his past life experience or something? his personality? It's just a tad confusing.

Speaking of grammar, you have taken into account your critique's suggestion, so great job for that. However, there are just some things that I've nitpicked on. But giving my general view, grammatically speaking, I say this is pretty neat and clean. Your verbs are all consistent and your spelling is almost perfect. So far, I don't have anything bad to say since I think you have written this splendidly.

All in all, I thank you for the good read. This is like one of the best stories I've read so far here on YWS. And I'm pretty excited about the second chapter. Hope I helped (>.<) and PM me for questions. :smt001

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




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Hi, Skins! Finally, got the time to review this. I didn't want to just wooooosh reading, if you know what I mean. LOL
My comments in pinkish fonts.
Trust me, you wanna read my comments. HAHAAHA!

]A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter One

Nice pic by the way. :)

Spoiler



“The important thing about a problem is not its solution, but what we learn through finding that solution”



On the plate in front of me was a huge pile of sliced beef and an uncomfortably large dump of mash potato. A mountain of colourful vegetables including carrots, leeks, spinach and green beans were placed before me. It was as though a firework had blown up on my plate. The river of dark brown gravy that had been poured all over the food made it look even worse.

First paragraphs just gets me. :O I just love how this paragraph is written. Haha! I can picture the plate of food. LOL

I really wasn't in the mood for food right now, there were too many things on my mind. My obsessive parents were hardly making me feel better either. Not to my surprise, they were lecturing me on what had happened an hour or so earlier. Thinking back, I couldn't help but let out a groan as I jabbed my fork into the dark brown slab of beef.

As I frustratedly rubbed my head, Alexander O'Leary stared at me with his small, brown eyes. The next time I'd hear the word marriage, I would scream until my lungs gave way.

"Come on, Victoria," he crossed him arms, "you need this, it's obvious you do. I need this."

I sighed heavily as he continued his plead. Did he actually expect me to be excited and eager right now? He hadn't bought me a new puppy, he was asking me to marry him.

“You have ten seconds to leave," I shrugged, "one... two... three... four..."

Muttering something rather rude under his breath, Alexander stood up. As he headed towards my bedroom door, he glanced back at me. "Bitch."

This is kind of a confusing part. I had to read it twice before ending up with this conclusion:
This was your MC's contemplation? She was eating, then she remembered this? 'Coz I couldn't just picture this as what is really going on. Why would she be eating in her bedroom? With her parents reprimanding her, and a guy asking her for marriage? Quite confusing. :|


I smiled sarcastically as he slammed the door behind him. That was him gone.

The second my bedroom door closed, I let out a long, frustrated sigh. Alexander had been my father’s latest suggestion for a husband; he had also been the worst so far. He may have been the richest of all the men, but he was the most annoying guy I'd ever met. His hair was a rusted brown colour I think it's better if you rewrite this: "Plus, he had a small, pig-like nose which doesn't suit his rusted brown hair color.and he had a small, pig-like nose. That was just a suggestion. You go pick however you want to re-write it. The description of her hair color just feels a little abrupt.

I was beginning to get annoyed with myself now. Alexander was the third man I'd met and out of all of the three, he was the worst. Why did finding a half decent guy so hard? They were plastered all over the movies, why couldn't I actually meet one in real life?

Returning my mind back to present time, I shoved the memory of my meeting with Alexander out of my head. I hated to admit something so selfish, but I was beginning to slowly feel sorry for myself. Leaning back in my chair, I cut another piece of beef and lifted my fork into my mouth. There, now I know it was a memory. So, as I said, try to smooth out the previous events.

“Your mother and I are, quite frankly, offended by the way you’re behaving.” My father began, causing me to look up at him. “You need to find a husband urgently and you know that. I've explained this to you a thousand times. If you marry, preferably someone wealthy, by the end of November, the estate will be yours, not Joseph's.”

Dropping my fork onto my plate, I glared at my father. “Dad, this isn’t the middle ages! Most girls my age are stressed about going to college, not finding a husband!” My voice raised an octave as the last word left my lips.

My father simply sighed heavily, ignoring the way I felt completely. Gritting his teeth, he ran his hand through his light hair. He knew that I didn’t want this, and he knew that I wasn’t ready to be married. He was too obsessed with keeping all of his money to care about what I wanted.

I feel so sorry for her. :|

Silence took over after that. There was the odd grumble by my father and the sound of clattering cutlery every few minutes, but it certainly didn't make the atmosphere of the room any more comfortable. The second I excused myself from the large, wooden table, relief swept through my body. I hated spending time with my parents,This should be a semicolon all I ever did was argue with them. With my food more or less untouched, I excused myself from the table.

“Stupid parents,” I mumbled to myself, running up the stairs. “All that they care about is money and their perfect little reputations.” I opened my bedroom door. “I'm seventeen for Christ's sake! I mean, how barbaric can you get? If they’re that bothered about it then why don’t they just have another kid? There we go, problem so-”

Surprised and slightly confused, I shot my head up. Lying on my bed was a young, light haired boy wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a battered navy hoodie. He was grinning from ear to ear.

“Who on earth are you?” I stared at him angrily, not moving an inch from my doorway.

The boy simply started to laugh, his eyes glistening with amusement. At first, I thought that he might have been another one of my father’s husband ‘suggestions’ but that thought didn’t last long. I only needed to look at him to realise that wasn’t the case. His clothes looked as though they hadn’t been washed. Ever. His sandy blonde hair was incredibly messy and on his feet he wore a pair of old, battered converse shoes.

MAN! I used "tattered converse shoes" in one of my novels LOL Do people really think of that? :P
You should check it out!


Without giving it another thought, I screamed for Ella, my nanny. I couldn't leave my room,Period. who knew what he could do in there? I'd caught him now and I wasn't letting him go anywhere. There was no way I was going to let some idiot break into my house. There were going to be some serious consequences.

“Whoa! Chill out!” tCapitalizehe boy quickly sat up and looked at me, causing me to jump slightly. “I ain’t gonna bloomin’ kill you! Well... as long as I like you, I won’t.”

I was pretty sure that he was joking, but I still felt horribly uncomfortable. I quickly glanced into the hallway behind me. Where was Ella? I kept my feet glued in the same spot, afraid of what the boy might do. My heart was hastily beating, making me want to turn and run.

Mentally kicking myself, I forced myself to stay where I was. Don't be silly, I thought to myself, There must be a reasonable explanation for this. Even if there was a reasonable explanation, I was still freaked out. Keeping my eyes on the boy, I screamed for Ella.

“Seriously Victoria, I’m goin’ deaf here.” He stood up and headed towards me.

Once again, I yelled Ella's name. Where in the world was she? Normally, I’d call her and she’d be here within a matter of seconds. I didn't take my eyes off the boy, not for one moment.

Rolling his eyes, the boy stood a good couple of feet away from where I was standing. Oh God, he was getting closer to me. This was a bad idea. A really bad idea. I was about to make a run for it when the boy opened his mouth again.

“I’m Ollie Poynter,” don't use "he smiled" to replace verbs for expressing talking. Put a period there and start of with a capitalized "h". :)he smiled. “Well, Oliver technically, but yeah. Just call me Ollie.”

My eyes were glued onto his face. He had some weird, perfectly casual grin on it. I'd completely forgotten about running away now, I was too bewildered of the fact that there was some random, scruffy teenage boy in my bedroom,excess comma, delete. talking to me. He was acting as if it was completely normal.

Oliver clearly noticed the confusion and frustration in my face. Unsurprisingly, he began laughing again. I gritted my teeth. I could really do with Ella turning up now.

“Don’t worry, I ain’t here to hurt you. I’m here to work.” Oliver grinned, his dark green eyes scanning my room. “I know this house is big and all, but seriously? Your room is like the size of my entire flat. Mind you, my flat ain’t that big. It ain’t really small though, I’ve been in smaller ones.” He started laughing. “Right, there’s this one guy who lives in his flat with, like, twenty three cats. His name’s Jeff! How weirdly normal is that? Jeff’s such a common name, but if you think about it, you never actually meet anyone called Jeff. Well, except for the mad cat guy I know.”

I gaped at Oliver, aware of the fact that there was a bizarre expression on my face. What the hell was he on about? Why was he even talking to me? I wasn't afraid anymore, I was just completely baffled. He was acting like a ten year old.

Still talking, Oliver began casually strolling around my room. Although I had no idea whatsoever whoThat was redundant; delete whatsoever. he was, I didn't feel unsafe around him. The only thing I was worried about was his mental health. He had begun to talk about fruit or something as he ran his fingers along the screen of my computer. That was it.

Wow, a random guy. :) If I were her, (I still don't know the MC's name. Did I miss it? I'd be attracted to that guy. :P

“Ella!” I screamed my head off. “Ella!”

"Victoria? What in God’s name is wrong?” Ella suddenly came rushing into the room.
There, Victoria. :)

“Him!” I complained, pointing at Oliver, who’d finally shut up.

Ella then turned at him. Looking back at her, Oliver smiled as a pair of small dimples grew on his cheeks. I swore I was going to kill him.

As Ella turned her attention to Oliver, she shook her head and sighed heavily. Although I couldn’t help but notice her forcing a smile off her face.

“She has some serious anger issues!” Oliver jumped onto my bed. “No wonder no one will marry her. She’d probably domestically abuse any guy that gets within five yards of her. Plus, she screams like a banshee.”

Ok, it's official. I'm totally into Ollie. :P Yeah, I'm a total dork. HAHA

Ella tried – and failed – not to laugh. Some obnoxious, dirty boy had just insulted me and Ella had laughed...

Noticing my bitter expression, she immediately stopped chuckling. Oliver clearly didn’t care about my feelings though; he continued grinning happily.

“Sorry Victoria,” Ella said before turning to Oliver. “Ollie, I thought I told you not to be so... what’s the word? Enthusiastic? Oh, and get off the bed please.”

I turned to Ella, shocked. “You know him?” As I spoke, my voice seemed to go three octaves higher. Exaggeration! HAHA!

“You bet!” Oliver said, getting off my bed. He’d left an untidy pile of creases where he’dContractions are sometimes distracting, like in this case. Please just say "he had". been sitting. “Ella and me are like this.” He crossed his fingers and winked at me.

LOOOOOOOOL

Completely ignoring Oliver’s comment, my attention remained on Ella. I looked at her, my eyes begging for an explanation.

“I’m friends with his mother,” Ella laughed. “Your parents hired him to be your assistant now that you're looking for a husband, although he’s not doing a very good job of it.”

“Sorry Vic...” Oliver paused as another annoying grin grew on his face. “I mean, Miss Kingston.”

No way was I going to let this weirdo be my ‘assistant’I think those apostrophes should be turned to quotation marks. It's in a narrative paragraph, not in a direct speech.. Why I needed an assistant in the first place was beyond me. I was perfectly capable of doing things on my own. Knowing my parents, they'd probably just hired him to keep an eye on me, to make sure that I was actually trying to find a decent bloke.

Taking a mint from the bowl on my bedside cabinet, Oliver threw it into his mouth. At least his breath didn’t smell. Thankfully, the rest of him didn’t either, which actually surprised me. He was dressed like a tramp, delete commaafter all.

Eventually, I managed to get Oliver out of my room. That was the second boy I'd kicked out today, and the fourth one I'd kicked out within the past two months. By the sound of it though, Oliver was going to come back. Judging by what Ella said, it was impossible for me to encourage my parents that I didn't need an assistant.

I’d known Ella for as long as I could remember. I had only just been born when I first saw her long, ash blonde hair that was always tied into a perfect bun. She never really needed to smile, her deep brown eyes did that for her. Her skin was a lot more sagged now thatthan it used to becomma here and her voice sometimes shook when she spoke. The creases on her face did not symbolise old age to me though - they symbolised wisdom.

Ella had taken care of me of a lot more than my own mother had. It wasn’t that I never saw my mother, I just didn’t spend time with her. She was too busy looking after my father and the house. There were hallways and hallways full of different rooms in it. Expensive paintings hung on the old walls and exotic plants surrounded every corner of the building. It was almost like a grand maze.

I collapsed onto my bed as Ella sat herself next to me and gently shut my eyes. There was a cool, refreshing breeze coming from the window. I could hear a few birds chirping outside, momentarily relaxing me until a strong wind blew into my room, flaring my curtains upward. A sharp shiver ran through my body as the gust of wind entered my room. My eyes quickly opened again.

“You can’t keep pushing away every man you meet, Victoria,” a gentle voice spoke.

I raised my eyes to see Ella looking at me. She looked far from impressed. Ella and I both knew that she was right, I just didn’t want to admit it.

“Come on, Ella,” I complained, crossing my arms. “Have you seen some of the men my father has found? That Daniel guy who I met a few months ago was almost twice my age! Plus, he was really creepy.”

As I spoke, a sweet smile grew on Ella’s face. She couldn't help but be amused by my comment. Rubbing her hands on her pinny, she took her shoes off and crossed her legs.

Ella signalled for me to sit up and I did exactly that. Oh, how I despised marriage talk. I anxiously began rubbing my hands. Why couldn’t I just pick a husband? The men my father had shown me hadn’t been that bad. If only things could be simpler. I didn't want any of that. I was I'm?seventeen, for God's sake. I didn't want to feel as though I had to find someone to marry within the next year. I didn't want to marry someone because of the fears of my father. I wanted to fall in love.

Ella's small hand was placed gently on my knee. Even though Ella wasn't really my nanny anymore, she truly did feel like a good friend. She was the only one who seemed to be on my side nowadays.

“Look, I know that you’re not too keen on this whole marriage thing,” Ella began. “but you know as well as I do, Victoria, that your family needs this. Your marrying a wealthy man in the replace "ihn the" with "by"next year would erase any worries of your parents losing your family’s entire estate.”

I hated it when Ella was right, especially when she made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to get married. I wanted to go out and have fun with friends, break up and make up with lots of guys, go to a college, enjoy the freedom of being a young woman. I wanted to live my life, to be a normal seventeen year old girl. Was that too much to ask?

Since the day I entered the world, I never had a chance of being normal. I didn't have a choice. I was born into the Kingston family; one of the richest family's in England. Or at least they were at the time. Although, times had changed since then. Nobody except for my family knew this, but if things were to carry on as they were, our money would soon run out.

My father had stupidly lied to my mother, telling her that the family business was fine for the past five years. She would often ask him why he hesitated when he brought his wallet out, but he'd simply respond by mumbling something about her being paranoid. Soon enough, my father's lies ran dry and both my mother and I realised that the family business was, in fact, struggling. After five years, we noticed how bad things really were.

There was one more problem though, a bigger one. Joseph Kingston. Joseph Kingston, as much as I hated to say it, was my cousin. Although he was a mere Change "a mere" to merely.three months older than meI! not me! People are always confused with that. PM me for more information.,and those three months made a huge difference. They were the reason I was not eligible to my family's estate and Joseph was. After my grandfather had died two years ago, the first grandchild to turn eighteen would get absolutely everything. Mine and Joesph's family had never gotten along and they wanted nothing more than to steal everything we owned from usdelete "from us".

Rubbing my temples, I looked back up at Ella. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room. The sound of the wind blowing through my window was the only minor distraction. I couldn't look at Ella, not directly. Instead, my eyes were fixated on my Apple Mac computer that was placed on a large, pine desk in the corner of my room.

After sitting silently for a minute or so, Ella finally gave up on receiving a response from me. She slowly shook her head.

“Just...” she said. “Just try and be more open minded, okay?”

“Okay,” I lied.

Ella was just about to leave my room when she turned around and smiled softly at me. "One more thing," she said, "can you at least try and get along with Ollie? He can be a bit frustrating to be around sometimes, but he's a good kid. Trust me on that one, Victoria. You might have something in common."

Before Ella closed the door behind her, I noticed a slight glimmer in her eyes. It felt as though the words that had come out of her mouth had frozen time for a few seconds. It was as if Ella was trying to tell me something, something she herself was unsure of.

I nodded my head slowly, not saying a single word. The words Ella had just spoken lingered in my head as she quietly closed the door behind her. She left with nothing but uncertainty in the back of my mind.

-----------------

Hello, Skins! I am now to review your work. Not bad, Skins! Not bad! Plot is very interesting. :) Keep it up!
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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So, here are my general impressions:
You need more background information. it comes across as a bit odd to the reader to find themselves hurled into the plot line...especially because it is a bit odd.
The dialogue seems awkward, unrealistic....maybe you could focus on how you want to write it and stick to one style.
Also the plot...well, the writing makes it work because I understand, but it is unrealistic. Maybe make it more current day ish???
Your fellow bibliophile,
Booky
“Maybe it’s fate that Hound ate the map. Maybe we’ll discover soemthing wonderful while we’re lost.”-The Penderwicks



Be led by your talent and not by your self-loathing ... everything beautiful in the world is within you.
— Russell Brand