Empty Space

Rough, unedited, scratch-work for a burning in the back of my mind.


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Your name was Daniel Rivers. You were seventeen and a junior in high school. Your favorite color was green and you had a girlfriend. No one ever thought you’d do this, Danny. No one believed you’d just vanish. Were there signs? Could we have stopped you? I don’t expect an answer, but I do wish that some of this grief would go away. I think that just knowing that you’re okay, somehow, in some extra-religious context, you’re fine and still alive, if not mortally. I wish I could write you a story, Danny, and tell you how amazing and worth-while you were, but this assignment is too short to enclose all of those memories. Just know that you’ll be missed and we all love you. We really, truly do. I hope you can figure that out, now.
-Lara

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You left me with this huge ‘what-if,’ pal. I don’t like it-- not one bit. I’m trying to recollect memories of us together, but I keep getting this thick fog beyond yesterday when I found out. Man, oh man, Danny… I never saw it coming. There is one memory that stands out amongst the fog. I would write it down, but I have a feeling that the teacher will read these, and I hate that. I’d imagine you’d hate it, too, if you were listening. But maybe you are. I hear that Kora who sits across the room from your old desk is writing you this huge novel about your life with her and all the great memories. She’s an awesome writer, you know. I know this letter is supposed to be about you, but you were never self-centered and you never gave yourself a second thought. And now, come to think of it, that may’ve been a bad thing. But don’t get me wrong-- I’m not blaming you for anything. Honest. I just wish I knew why, Danny. But maybe that’s what this was all about. Maybe you wanted us all to pay attention and stop idling by in life. Whatever your reason, pal, I regret it for you. Nothing could be worth this.
-Will

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You remember back in fourth grade on Valentines day when all the kids would give each other cards and candy and if a boy and a girl really really liked each other, they would secretly hold hands during math? I do. And, if your memory serves you right, you’ll remember a certain little box that sat on your desk that morning for you. Well, maybe not… You were late that morning. I remember specifically waiting and staring at your desk until the first bell rang. Everyone had already started on their candy, and there was your desk, just sitting empty with a pile of cards on it. I recall feeling so sad when I thought about where you could be, either sick or on the side of the road with your mom, having car trouble.
But now, all I can think about is that empty desk with so many cards piled up. And, Danny, I’m looking at the same thing today. It’s an odd feeling, watching open air where you should sit. Where you should look up from whatever book you are reading and give me that awkward half-smile that always made me laugh. And if the teacher would say anything funny, your eyes would scan the room for anyone else laughing; if no one laughed, Daniel Rivers did. You are so mysterious, Danny. So horribly mysterious.
-Sabrina

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I wrote a poem for you today
The letters and lines were crooked
And I rambled on and on about the weather:
Rainy and cloudy and windy and stormy
That’s all I remember, in fact

I think I’d remember more
If you were to open your eyes;
Silly boy, can’t you see that this
Is no time to sleep?
Time to wake up, Danny.

Please, please wake up…
-Candace

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Mrs. told us to write down our emotional consolation in a way that we could always relate to, whether we’re sad or angry or too tired of life to read. So I thought and thought, Danny, and I decided to write a child’s book. Funny, right? It’s not that I think kids should know that people kill themselves. I promise. I just think it’s bad when kids commit suicide every single day and no one is bold enough to actually care about them. I think you’d agree. Either way, it’s pretty short and to-the-point (no pun intended; you’ll see), but it’s how I feel about what happened, and how I wish things would’ve turned out. And remember, I’m no author, so bear with me.

So Howard was a blue balloon. He lived in balloon world with all the other beautiful, happy balloons. Their creator, Mr. Gas, spent each day filling new balloons with hot air and letting the air out of old balloons that are too tired from having fun to fly anymore. All balloons loved to fly high in the sky, and the higher they went, the happier they were. And normally, this world was perfect.
However, for Howard, the world was not perfect at all. See, Mr. Gas didn’t put enough hot air in Howard, so Howard couldn’t fly as high as the other balloons. Every day, he’d watch them fly higher and higher and laugh and play all day long. And each day, Howard grew sadder and sadder. One day, he was floating next to Tonya, the pink balloon that Howard thought was the most beautiful balloon in the world.
They played together, but after a while, Tonya floated up higher to play with the other happy balloons. Poor Howard floated all alone for a very long time.
He floated left.
He floated right.
He floated into the kitchen.
He floated into the den.
Finally, he stopped floating when he heard a new voice behind him.
“Hey, Howard!” It was the needle from the sewing cabinet. Howard had never met the needle, and he didn’t know what to say, so he said, “Hello.”
The needle hopped out of the drawer and frowned: “You seem so sad, Howard. I never see you floating with the other balloons. Why is that?”
Howard looked at the floor and tried not to cry. “Because Mr. Gas forgot to put enough hot air in me… so I can’t fly as high or as fast as the others.”
The needle stepped closer, and Howard watched him carefully. “You know, Howard,” he said, “if you feel so sad and lonely all the time, why don’t you just find a way to pop yourself?”
Howard gasped and floated backwards. “What?” he exclaimed, “why, I could never do that! Then I wouldn’t have a chance to fly high!”
The needle looked away and frowned. “But if you do, you won’t feel sad anymore.”
Howard thought about this. He liked the idea of not feeling sadness or pain anymore. And he didn’t know what life would be like if he were to stop being. It was then that Tonya floated into the den, seeing Howard and the needle together. Immediately, she thought the worst, and flew quickly to Howard’s side.
“Howard, who are you talking to?” she asked, her voice full of concern and sadness.
“Mr. Needle,” Howard said, and looked back to his new friend.
“Howard…” she thought for a moment, afraid of saying the wrong thing. “It would make me very sad if I lost you.” She sniffled, almost ready to cry. “I’m really glad you’re my friend, Howard.”
“Really?” Howard began to rethink his decision.
“Really,” Tonya said, and she smiled at him.
Suddenly, Howard felt very silly for even thinking about what the needle said. “How silly!” he exclaimed, and flew away with Tonya to play outdoors until dinnertime.
-Kora

I liked this. *clicks like button* I think it's interesting what happens when people we know, or kind of know, or know really well, die or disappear or do something we would not expect them to. And I loved the way in which you addressed this - as emotional consolation assignments from school; it's something I've never actually seen done before. And that way, you allowed us to get a really good insight into what Daniel was really like - because we're seeing it through so many different eyes. I loved how you were creative with your 'voice' - each person was different; and the one who I liked the most was Will, in his gruff, 'pal'-type of language. The details were breathtakingly simple but so precise, so vivid, that I could picture it all so easily - the fourth grade Valentine's Day, the balloon story, even.

Lara

Your name was Daniel Rivers. You were seventeen and a junior in high school. Your favorite color was green and you had a girlfriend.

The perfect hook. I was intrigued - you used the word 'was' and 'were' which immediately told us he was dead. You gave some bare descriptions, exactly what we needed, exactly the way in which we see people we do not know very well at all.

No one ever thought you’d do this, Danny. No one believed you’d just vanish. Were there signs? Could we have stopped you? I don’t expect an answer, but I do wish that some of this grief would go away. I think that just knowing that you’re okay, somehow, in some extra-religious context, you’re fine and still alive, if not mortally.

Okay, as brilliant as you are, this bit I was not too keen on. It was too...cliche, maybe? 'Nobody ever thought you'd do this' - of course, it perfectly encompasses the fact that he's committed suicide, but it seems too...corny for my liking (sorry, that's the only way I can describe it). Change it, get rid of it, just do something with it. And the rest of that above bit is likewise...I don't know - what is Lara's relationship with Daniel? I am assuming they were just classmates, which is why it seems really bizarre that she'd be so incredibly concerned - unless she was a sort of good friend; in which case, this needs to be indicated quite clearly, somewhere along the line.

Just know that you’ll be missed and we all love you. We really, truly do. I hope you can figure that out, now.

Sorry, but that's just too soppy. The way it begins is perfect, and the way it ends is just ridiculously sentimental. I would never dream of writing something like that to a guy friend of mine who'd just killed himself. Even if he was dead. I think, instead of focussing on the present, it'd be more interesting to focus on the past. Describe something he did, in relation to this girl, like you have for the other characters. That way, we'll see more why she'll remember him, instead of you spelling out her feelings for us. I know that I'd most immediately think of the last event that happened that involved the MC.

Will

I love this character. He's so damn to-the-point and he has such a distinctive voice.

You left me with this huge ‘what-if,’ pal. I don’t like it-- not one bit. I’m trying to recollect memories of us together, but I keep getting this thick fog beyond yesterday when I found out. Man, oh man, Danny… I never saw it coming.

Again, a good opening. I don't think the 'not one bit' is needed - cliche, again, and it functions fine without it. 'Recollect' is too formal a word here; but the rest of the sentence is appropriately colloquial - 'I keep getting this thick fog beyond yesterday when I found out.' And the 'man, oh man...' line is perfect - in fact, I'd say it's better than the way Lara soppily describes her shock at D's suicide.

There is one memory that stands out amongst the fog. I would write it down, but I have a feeling that the teacher will read these, and I hate that. I’d imagine you’d hate it, too, if you were listening. But maybe you are.

The first line is just a tad too formal - nothing major. The next two are good, but the last line 'but maybe you are' is too...unsure for my liking. This is a guy who knows exactly what's going on - he KNOWS if he's confused; he's not unsure about the confusion. So...make him stronger than the rest.

I know this letter is supposed to be about you, but you were never self-centered and you never gave yourself a second thought. And now, come to think of it, that may’ve been a bad thing.

The 'you never gave yourself a second thought' part is understood from the first part of that line. And...from Kora's story, I deduced that it was pressure to perform and do as well as everyone else that caused Dan to take his own life. That means he DID think about himself; his own place in the world DID count. So...why do you say he's not self-centred?

But don’t get me wrong-- I’m not blaming you for anything. Honest. I just wish I knew why, Danny. But maybe that’s what this was all about. Maybe you wanted us all to pay attention and stop idling by in life. Whatever your reason, pal, I regret it for you. Nothing could be worth this.

Seems to border on the manly-soppy. 'I'm not blaming you' - very unnecessary, both because it's cliche, and because why would he not blame his good friend for killing himself? 'I wish I knew why' - he's Dan's closest friend, and he doesn't know??? And Kora, another girl in the class does? I just don't like the way that whole part is reading - too...predictable. I want a bit more of an element of surprise.

Sabrina

You remember back in fourth grade on Valentines day when all the kids would give each other cards and candy and if a boy and a girl really really liked each other, they would secretly hold hands during math? I do.

Yay for another fantastic opener - clear and concise, and paints a vivid picture. 'I do' sounds off.

And, if your memory serves you right, you’ll remember a certain little box that sat on your desk that morning for you. Well, maybe not…

He's dead, his memory doesn't exist! So...how can it serve him right? This bit should be chopped out entirely - it adds very little to the story. Describe the ilttle box on the desk differently.

You were late that morning. I remember specifically waiting and staring at your desk until the first bell rang. Everyone had already started on their candy, and there was your desk, just sitting empty with a pile of cards on it. I recall feeling so sad when I thought about where you could be, either sick or on the side of the road with your mom, having car trouble.

Perfect, perfect, perfect. I love it .

But now, all I can think about is that empty desk with so many cards piled up. And, Danny, I’m looking at the same thing today. It’s an odd feeling, watching open air where you should sit. Where you should look up from whatever book you are reading and give me that awkward half-smile that always made me laugh. And if the teacher would say anything funny, your eyes would scan the room for anyone else laughing; if no one laughed, Daniel Rivers did.

And I loved the way you used a past experience and tied it in so beautifully with the present - the empty desk. I love a good surprise. And whatever you've said here does not sound unnecessarily sentimental at all - instead, it comes across as sweet. It makes us like Dan, rather than shake our heads at the classmates' emotions.

You are so mysterious, Danny. So horribly mysterious.

Didn't like this so much. There is nothing in the Valentine's day story to suggest he's mysterious, so it seems out of place.

Candace

Okay, so a high school teen writing a poem about death. To be honest, I didn't expect much, and that was exactly what I got. The poem was weak, and school-girly and non-professional. On the one hand, it works well with the high-school theme. On the other, it would have been nice to have read a good poem. Think about it.

Kora

Well, it was meant to be a kid's story, and it certainly did the job nicely. I assume that Dan's girlfriend left him for some time - is that correct? And that's when some depression kicked in.

He floated left.

He floated right.

He floated into the kitchen.

He floated into the den.

Okay, so it was a kid's story, but this was just plain weird. I don't like the spacing of the lines. Seems a little like the stpes to some kind of dance - totally wrong for what he was doing.

Suddenly, Howard felt very silly for even thinking about what the needle said. “How silly!” he exclaimed, and flew away with Tonya to play outdoors until dinnertime.

Seemed like a cop-out, I thought. But I can also see how it encompasses what might have happened if someone had paid attention to his frame of mind. A nice thought - but even though it's a kid's story, I'd recommend going with the gloomy 'pops-himself' ending. Just try it out - and see how it works; if you don't like it, leave it. Burn it.

Overall

You know I loved this. And I'd love to see it when it's fully done. Is it complete, here? I think not - I think there is so much more to this story, so many more characters in Dan's life, so many more letters to write. But I love what you've done already. If this becomes a longer story, or a novel, PM me, and I would love to review again. Any questions, discussion etc - send me a PM.

This is really great! I enjoy your writing style.
I like the way you format this, with a piece for each person. It leaves a bit a mystery, and I really want to read more!
I greatly enjoyed Kora's piece, with the story about Howard the balloon. It was written in a way that would definitely be easy for a child to understand. It reminded me of another story I read, about the holocaust. It was also written for children, and I love stories that have a deep understanding to them.
I know the part about Howard was not exactly the whole of the story, and here I am going on about it... But anyway, your story was fantastic and I can't wait to read more.