Stain on the Sidewalk *Re-edited!!*

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Just so you know, nothing like this has happened to me. It needs serious help!! Thanks guys!!

The moment he looked at me I knew something was terribly wrong. Fear sparkled in his green eyes and his lips were drawn into a mournful frown. He looked dazed, like he wasn’t fully with us. The birthday party was in full swing, but he began to turn slowly and head out the front door. I followed him with my eyes, unsure of what to do. I turned to my best friend, Maria, frowning.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, brow furrowed in concern.
I sighed and glanced around her basement. She always had the best birthday parties, and this was her fifteenth. The decor was brilliant, the food better. Everybody was surprised that she wasn’t turning sixteen like most of us were. I really didn’t want to leave, but something inside of me was screaming that if I didn’t, we would all face a tragedy come tomorrow. “I don’t feel very good. Can I run home quickly and grab some meds?” I lied. I hated lying to her, but something was terribly wrong and I knew it.
“Oh. We have Tylenol if you want it,” she offered, taking my hand.
“No, Tylenol makes me sick most of the time,” I lied again. I felt dirty.
She sighed, nodding and let me go. I raced up her stairs, trying to take them two at a time. The attempt failed desperately, I never could do that. Finally I hit the top, thankful for Lady Gaga music for once in my life. Nobody even gave me a second glance. I pried open the front door and a small slip of paper fell out. My name was scrawled across the front in purple gel-pen, my favourite. I flipped it over and skimmed it. My eyes widened in horror.
Dear Tali,
I have decided that because you won’t accept my love, I have no other reason to live.
You told me that I was special, that I would meet somebody who could love me the
way I wanted to be loved. I know now that it’s a lie. I’ve done too much, Said
all the wrong things. You told me you loved me, and I believed you. So why did
you have to reject me like that? Well now I’m gone. Don’t blame yourself,
because it truly isn’t your fault. I sicken myself. Besides, I just realized that I don't deserve love.
-Mark


I panicked. "Maria! Maria!" I yelled, running down the stairs, frantic. I nearly tripped and fell down them, but she caught me halfway.
"What? What's that?" She asked concerned, eyeing the little sheet of paper. I shoved it at her, biting my nails mercilessly. Her mouth gaped and her eyes widened with fright. She grabbed my arm and dragged me up the stairs, followed by about four or five others. They were all freaking out, demanding to know what was wrong. We ignored all of them.
My heart was screaming at me. I had to do something! Nobody really cared much for Mark other than myself and his grandparents. He would fall into sudden and random depressed slumps and talk to nobody. His mother had shot herself when Mark was only seven. I seemed to be the only one he would ever open up to. I told him I loved him, and I assumed he knew I meant as a brother. Well, that’s what I thought I loved him as. Maria didn’t like him much, but she had invited him to the party on my demand. Even her eyes were fearful now.
“Get your dad! We need a ride, and fast!” I ordered. No way was I letting him fall through on this!
Maria ran screaming for her father through the doorway to the living room. The others stared at me silently, eyes filled with horror. They ran back down to the party to tell everybody and start a panic. I wanted to yell at them to keep quiet, but thought better of it. I recalled memories, the first time he had come to my house a week after we met; my ninth birthday party; all of the days that we spent together laughing and crying; the country fair. I was being strangled by my fear. I made myself gain some control.
Maria arrived, towing her dad behind her. He was yelling at her to tell him what was wrong. She made a high-pitched groaning noise and shoved the note at his face. He skimmed it quickly and handed it back, forcing the door open with one hand and gesturing for us to hurry up with the other. We piled into the car, me in the front and Maria in the back. “Where to?” he asked shakily.
I thought for a moment. The deeper our friendship became, the more personal our conversations got. We’d had discussions about suicide before and our most in-depth was at the top of his apartment building. “Apartment thirty-three,” I squeaked. I prayed that I was right. He nodded and pinned it. A police car pulled in behind us and Maria's dad swore loudly. No time to stop, he just kept driving. Maria’s father was automatically my new hero.
We arrived at the building just in time. Mark was already standing at the top, hands in his pockets. "How the heck did he get up there so fast?" Maria shouted. I ignored her, Mark had taken his old pickup truck, it was parked in front of the building. I screamed and saw his silhouette look down at me. I darted into the building and slammed the elevator button. To my relief, it came down almost immediately. I pushed the button marked with a big R on the front. I was sweating and trembling, tears streaming down my face. I prayed that he wouldn’t be flat on the ground when I got to the top.
For a moment I wondered if I should have taken the stairs; I thought I would be too late. Finally I heard the little ‘ding’ and the doors spread open, exposing me to the cold and rain. Mark’s knees were bent on the edge and I heard him crying. “Mark! Stop!” I screamed.
He looked back at me, eyes sad. He backed off the edge and I heard cheering from below. He made his way towards me, wrapping his arms around my body. “Do you love me Tali?” he whispered, burying his head into my shoulder.
I put my arms around him. “Of course I do Mark.” I was trembling from cold and fear. I held him tightly, praying that he would reconsider.
“But are you in love with me?” he sounded so afraid and unsure. I knew then that I had made a mistake. I could have sworn that moment that I was, indeed, in love with him. I decided that I really must have been all along; I just didn’t want to admit it to myself that I was.
“I guess I am,” I whispered.
He pulled away, grinning. “Thank you,” he murmured. He leaned over and kissed me hard on the lips before taking a step back. “But I can’t let myself live. You deserve so much better than an abused, motherless, ugly, horrible boy. If I let myself live, you’ll never be happy. ‘Cause when you move on, I won’t let you go. I’m sorry, Tali. Please, just let me do this. Let me be happy.”
“No!” I screamed. I hated the long string of words he used to describe himself. “No! No! No!” Who cared if he didn’t have a mother? Lots of kids didn’t! He wasn’t ugly in the slightest bit, not to me. He nodded at me and made his way back to the ledge. I wanted to run to him and tackle him to the ground, but my legs were wobbly and slow. He stepped up onto, looked back and blew me a kiss, mouthing the words good-bye. “Mark! Don’t!” His eyes saddened again and he waved. I stumbled a few steps towards the ledge, but he jumped before I could reach him. I let out the loudest, most high-pitched scream I ever had in my whole life. My throat was burning and I had to let my scream fade. I heard the thud and the screams of the people below. I couldn’t believe it. I fell backwards, dazed. He didn’t! I lowered myself to a laying position and stared blankly at the sky. Rain pelted my face and my eyes, but I refused to let them close. It stung, and I didn’t care. The cement was cold and wet, but I didn’t notice. My hair and clothes were drenched, but I didn’t still care.
Eventually, Maria and her father came up to see me, followed by a police officer. Maria sat down beside me and I rose to a sitting position. She put her arms around me and we cried together. Never had I wept like this. Not once. The police officer pulled me up gently, leading me back towards the elevator. Everything else was a blur. I remember being shoved into the cruiser; a blanket was draped around my shoulders. The officer asked me a few questions and I answered. People offered me words of comfort but I didn’t hear them. “Please, just let me do this. Let me be happy.” That was the only thing I heard for days, for weeks. His voice haunted me.
I stayed in bed for weeks, not going to school or out shopping. The only time I got out of bed for more than twenty minutes was for Mark's funeral. I don't remember all of it, just a few details here and there. I can remember is the feeling of helplessness that had washed over me when I watched them lower his coffin into the ground. I can remember my mother and father giving me lots of hugs, trying in vain to make me stop crying. The most vivid part of the memory was when I had placed a small bouquet of daisies onto the top of his coffin. I whispered my goodbye and stepped back. People buzzed and there was laughter. I hated the laughter. His father didn’t even stay through the whole thing; he claimed it was too hard. He was abusive, but he still loved his son.
I hardly even got out of my bed to eat; my mother brought everything to me. All of that seemed to slip by slowly, and eventually I found strength to get up and walk around. Nobody was home that day, so I opened the front door and made my way into the garage. My dad had put some of Mark’s things in there for me. His dad had dropped them off, saying that he didn’t want to look at them anymore, couldn't bare it. He had now lost both his wife and his son and I could feel his pain. I searched through the papers, uncovering poems and other such things. Love poems, poems of despair, and poems of happiness. I dried a tear from my cheek and rose up, exiting the garage. I thought I would die if I read anymore. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think.
I shoved my hands in my pockets. It was raining today, just like the day he had jumped. I made my way slowly to his apartment building. The cement where he fell had been cleaned, but I could have sworn that I saw the faintest bit of a crimson tint. My stomach lurched. That was his blood, had to be his blood. Unless I was just seeing things. I fell to my knees and placed a shaking hand on it. I ignored the confused and concerned glances from passer-bys and let myself weep. I recalled the day I had first met Mark under the oak tree at school. He had been sitting in it, head in his knees, weeping. I had been concerned and excused myself from the game of hopscotch that we were playing to ask him what was wrong. He looked up and told me that everybody hated him and he had no friends. I invited him over to my house that day, and we've been friends ever since. I could remember the resteraunts, the movies, the evenings we sat in his living room playing silly games like Truth Or Dare and 20 Questions. I wept for hours before finally going back home again.
I turned it into a tradition. Every single time it rained, I went to that spot and cried. I still do and it’s been almost fifteen years. I did marry, but my husband doesn’t understand me the way Mark did. Nobody ever can and nobody ever will. We had something special, something totally different. His mother was gone and my mother was still living. He was depressed and I was optimistic. His daddy went to the bar once a week, and once a week he came home drunk. He would hit Mark every Saturday, and on Sunday Mark would come and I would comfort him. I told my husband about Mark, but not the way I still feel. I only have one thing left to say to him now and that is my last goodbye and that I still love him.
Last edited by eldEr on Sun Apr 25, 2010 3:13 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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:'( Why did Mark have to die? Couldn't she have held on him, refusing to let him go and shoved him in the elevator so he couldn't go kill himself? Or at least kissed him to prove to him that she truly did love him so he wouldn't die? You have an interesting idea here, it just seemed a bit rushed at places. ig, When Mark leaves and she finds the note, how did he get to the apartment so quickly?

For a moment I thought I should have taken the stairs, I would be too late.
This is a tad confusing to me. Do you mean "but then I would've been too late" or "I was afraid that I was too late"?

I stayed in bed for weeks, not going to school or out shopping.

Maybe you could rephrase the second half of the sentence to something like "refusing to attend school or even go out shopping."

You didn't mention Mark's funeral. It's okay without it, but it's just something that you can think about including maybe.

I really like this story, it might be my favourite YWS story I've read so far even though it makes me sad that Mark had to die. Write away, Isha :)

-Cressy
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uber likes :)
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Thanks cres!! I knew I was forgetting something!! Mark's funeral!! Le'Duh me! xD I'll add it in there as soon as I have time :)
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Hey Isha!

I've got to say, I loved this! It was depressing... but I like depression! K? :wink:

I really didn’t want to leave, but something inside of me was screaming that if I didn’t, we would all face a tragedy come tomorrow.


Dear Tali,

I have decided that because you won’t accept my love, I have no other reason to live.

You told me that I was special, that I would meet somebody who could love me the

way I wanted to be loved. I know now that it’s a lie. I’ve done too much, Said

all the wrong things. You told me you loved me, and I believed you. So why did

you have to reject me like that? Well now I’m gone. Don’t blame yourself,

because it truly isn’t your fault. I sicken myself. I just realized that I don’t deserve

your love anyways.

-Mark

I liked this letter. My only problem was that it sounded a bit... I don't know. Casual? For example, anyways. That's something I say when I' happy. He's about to kill himself; I don't think he'd be that happy. :wink:

I screamed. I screamed good and loud, too.

This seems a bit melodramatic to me. I'm not sure how you'd react, but if I received this letter form my closest friend, I wouldn't necessarily scream. I might begin to panic and run downstairs. Screaming loads just seems a bit over the top! :wink:

I thought for a moment. We’ve had discussions about suicide before and our most in-depth was at the top of his apartment building.

Discussions about suicide...? A bit odd? :lol:

His eyes saddened again and he waved. I stumbled towards him, but he jumped before I could reach him.

I liked this because I didn't see it coming!

“Please, just let me do this. Let me be happy.” That was the only thing I heard for days, for weeks. His voice haunted me.

This was sad, but I liked it. :wink:

The cement where he fell was still tainted with crimson and my stomach lurched. That was his blood.

Surely, the blood would have been cleaned? If a guy jumped from a rooftop, they'd clean the spot where he landed! You could say that she imagined seeing the blood or something? That would actually be quite effective. It would be as if she can't forget no matter how hard she tries. I know that this is the reason behind the title, but this bugs me a bit; that's all :wink:

I turned it into a tradition. Every single time it rained, I went to that spot and cried. I still do and it’s been almost fifteen years. I did marry, but my husband doesn’t understand me the way Mark did. Nobody ever can.


Overall

I really did love reading this. Sad, but good.

What I liked best about this was the surprise. I definitely didn't think that Mark was going to kill himself, especially after he stepped back from the edge. It was really sad as well when your MC told him that he was in love with him, and then he went and threw himself off the building!

One problem I have though is that I don't really know much about the characters backgrounds. For example, you mentioned that Mark's mother was dead. How did she die? Did she kill herself too? Did she die in an accident? I understand that Mark and Tali have a lot of history, I just want to know what history! I don't expect you to write their life stories, just be a bit more detailed :wink:

Another thing is that, at times, you can be a bit melodramatic. Like when she was screaming her head off after finding the letter form Mark. Just try and tone it down a bit. My only other nit-pick is that this kind of sounds like a random chapter of a story. That might be because of the lack of background information though!

I had to be a bit picky here because your writing really was good! All that you need to do is think about what I've said and hopefully fix this up a bit. Then you will have a seriously immense story here. :D

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins
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Thanks! I've got to add a few things then! I'll add them now since I actually have time...
Thanks skins!
Oh, and discussion about suicide isn't really something I find weird. I have them with a few people every now and then. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on commiting suicide anytime soon, but I talk about what would happen if somebody I knew did commit suicide....ect...

Anywho...thanks again!
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Hi, Isha. I'm Karma. This was a really sad and touching piece. I loved it. A few nitpicks first:

The others all stared at me, two guys and three girls. Rhonda, Abby, Michelle, Peter and Jerry. Every single one of them stared at me silently, eyes filled with fear.

Okay, so this bit was kinda repetitive, what with the repeating of "stared at me", and the names and genders of all the other people in the room are unnecessary telling.

No way was I letting him fall through on this!

I think you mean go through. Fall through means something didn't happen, as in "My plans for the weekend fell through."

“But are in love with me?”

Missing something here! ;)

You deserve so much better than a motherless boy.

Really? For all the reasons they wouldn't be good together, he picks that he doesn't have a mother? I don't follow how that has an affect on anything. There are plenty of people without mothers, and I doubt they're all old maids and perpetual bachelors. I mean, he could say the mere fact that he's so depressed makes them incompatible, but instead he uses the fact that his mother is dead? It just seems ridiculous to me.

I let out the loudest scream I ever had in my whole life.

Personal choice, but I don't like this line. Mentioning her whole life takes us out of the moment, at a time when the reader needs to be very much "in the moment". Describe the scream: Long or short? High-pitched wail, or a yell of: "NOOOOOO!!!!!" ? (Please don't let it be the last one!) Did it hurt her throat? You don't need all of this, these are just suggestions that you could use to describe to scream better.

I laid down and stared at the sky.

I don't like this line. It smacks of telling, instead of showing. Does she fall back, or lower herself down? What does the ground feel like? Also, after this line, it's raining, but you never mention when it starts raining. Kinda annoyed me.

Big Stuff:
-Something that was running through my head the whole first half of the story: Does Mark have a car? Because if he doesn't, if he walked back to his apartment, then why didn't Tali run after him? That's definitely what I would have done, instead of running to tell Maria, running to find her dad, explaining things to him, running to the car, and finally going to stop Mark. Seems like it takes a long time for all that to happen, as opposed to just going after him on foot. Unless, of course, Mark could drive.

-Tali and Mark's connection. It was never explained during the beginning. For most of it, I thought he was some creeper with a secret crush on Tali. I think maybe when you wrote, and I'm paraphrase "No one much liked Mark." I assumed the narrator was part of this "no one" since she never distinguished herself from it. And then when you wrote that she had said (awkward, that sentence) she loved him like a brother, I was like 'What?'*. And then saying things about how she talked about suicide with him, I was like 'How well did they know each other again?'*. And when she said she thought she loved him , I was like 'WTF?'*.
*Obnoxious imagined facial expressions to go with thought commentary are recommended but optional.

And then, when this happened:

my husband doesn’t understand me the way Mark did. Nobody ever can and nobody ever will. We had something special, something totally different. His mother was gone and my mother was still living. He was depressed and I was optimistic. His daddy went to the bar once a week, and once a week he came home drunk. He would hit Mark every Saturday, and on Sunday Mark would come and I would conmfort him.

I headdesked. (Oh, and it's comfort in the last sentence.) You see, you never once in the story specified how close Tali and Mark were. And then you threw this in at the end like a tacked-on afterthought, like the relationship between them before the suicide didn't really matter, but really it's essential for the story to be convincing. Develop it inside the main narrative, as she races to save his life, and the reader will be so much more invested in Mark, and in the story.

-
Good-Bye Mark

I don't really like this line. It's your last line, and it should be powerful. But for me, it kinda jumps out of no where. Saying good-bye implies that she's coming to terms with Mark's death, but I never got the feeling that this story was catharsis for her. I'd either scrap it, or make the story more focused on her coming to terms.

-Things I'd Like to See You Elaborate On:
Because a lot of the things I didn't like about this story came from lack of elaboration.
a. Like I said, Mark and Tali's relationship, and Tali's maybe-maybe not coming to terms with Mark's suicide.
b. Mark's funeral- It's a huge emotional moment, so milk it! Others have mentioned this, I totally second it.
c. Her lukewarm marriage. I haven't mentioned it, but I don't really like how it's just thrown in there. If you're going to focus on her life now, be committed to it, and do it to the fullest.

Anyway, like I said, it was sad and touching, and I'm both sad that Mark died (for obvious reasons) and happy (because I think it made the story stronger than if he had lived). That's always a good thing.

Keep writing!

~Karma ;)




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Hi Isha. I have nothing more to say as the things I wanted to say have already been repeated but I would definitely give you hats off for completing another E-rated romantic fiction so quickly. Also I loved the way Mark loved her. That was so different and the love was so true. The feeling of purity geared me. Tali, I must say is very funny name for me because in my language, which is Hindi, Tali means a clap.

I followed him with my gaze, unsure of what to do.
There's no problem as such with the highlighted word but I think this sentence could have been formed in a much better way.
Like: I followed him with my eyes locked on him, unsure of what to do.(Your wish anyways)

I really didn’t want to leave, but something inside of me was screaming that if I didn’t, we would all face a tragedy come tomorrow.


Maria didn’t like him much, but she had invited him to the party under on my demand.

Rhonda, Abby, Michelle, Peter and Jerry. Every single one of them stared at me silently, eyes filled with fear.
Don't use the kiddish word fear again and again. Instead try something else like terror, fright or horror. Again your wish!

She made a highpitched groaning noise and shoved the note into on his face.


“Apartment thirty-three,” I rushed.
Rushed would've sounded better had she moving but now you should probably use panicked or something else.

To my relief, it came down almost immediately.


I was trembling from cold and fear.space here I held him tightly, praying that he would reconsider.

But are you in love with me?” he sounded so afraid and unsure.


But I can’t let myself life live.


I wanted to run to himspacehereand tackle him to the ground, but my legs were wobbly and slow.


People offered me words of comfort and but I didn’t hear them.


It was raining today, just like the day he had jumped.


Myy stomach lurched.


I ignored the confused and concerned glances from passer-bys and let meself myself weep.


He would hit Mark every Saturday, and on Sunday Mark would come and I would comfort him.


Good-Bye Mark
You forgot the full-stop or exclamatory sigh, whichever you want to put.

As someone said that why did Mark have to die, I think the story wouldn't have been possible without his death.
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Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Thanks guys!! I'll add more to the funeral scene, and more about their history. I wanted to put it in, but I didn't know how long it would get so yeah...
I suppose that that was a stupid assumption as it doesn't really matter.
I fixed it up! Anything else that will make it better?
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I think you should describe a little more about her feelings. The first edition seemed a bit more touching in my opinion. It's good that you're including the history, but it kind of distracted me from the topic. Maybe you can include the memory at the end when she's visiting the stain on the sidewalk. It would be fitting too. Also, when you say that the chracter doesn't remember much of Mark's funeral then go on talking about a bunch of stuff in the funeral. Sorry if I was mean or harsh.

-Crescent
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Not at all crescent! I actually like that better! I will get on fixing it up! ;)
Thanks!!
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xP You did it! :)
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Hey Isha! I recently reviewed your story, "The Day He Hung Up," and I think some of my comments on that piece apply here as well.

So here's a big piece of advice: lighten up a little. I recognize that you're dealing with some heavy subject matter here, and it's great that you're willing to tackle sensitive issues. It really detracts from the seriousness of what's going on, however, when other things are overdramatic. For instance, Talia feels "dirty" when she lies about Tylenol making her sick. That's a bit much. Feeling guilty, yes. Dirty comes across as rather strong.

Here are a couple more examples:
I really didn’t want to leave, but something inside of me was screaming that if I didn’t, we would all face a tragedy come tomorrow.

There's premonition and gut instinct, and then there's melodrama. Back up from the latter. I think the contrast between the party at the beginning and the terrible scene at the end is much more striking if there isn't so much angst from the outset.

"What? What's that?" She asked concerned, eyeing the little sheet of paper. I shoved it at her, biting my nails mercilessly. Her mouth gaped and her eyes widened with fright. She grabbed my arm and dragged me up the stairs, followed by about four or five others. They were all freaking out, demanding to know what was wrong. We ignored all of them.

Shoving paper, biting nails mercilessly, mouths gaping, eyes wide with fright, people getting dragged upstairs. Too much! I feel like I'm being beat over the head with how serious the situation is, and it's just unnecessary. Subtlety would serve you much better, I think.

My heart was screaming at me. I had to do something!

The first sentence is just too much. I understand what you're trying to do, but it really comes across as over the top.

Generally speaking, however, really take the time to re-read your work before you post it. You'll be surprised at how many things you catch just on the second read-through! It'll save your reviewers time and frustration and let them focus on things like plot, pacing, characterization and setting, instead of getting hung up on the mechanics.

For instance:

No way was I letting him fall through on this!

I think you mean "follow through on this," unless you're making a really insensitive pun about him preparing to jump off a building. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant, though, so it's really worth the time to make sure you get these things right so you don't kill the mood right in the middle of your story.

Finally, the title.

"Stain on the Sidewalk" seems just a little too morbid to fit with the rest of the tone that you've set in the story. Think about it. It's pretty gross.

So these are my suggestions! Hopefully some of them will be helpful to you. :D
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I liked this story. It actually made me tear.
But in the ending, it kind of got me confused...
Did she die too? Or did she just tell her husband that she loved him and that was it?

That got me confused... Other than that I liked it.

Sad, but really good.
Keep up the good work(:




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This was really really good Isha!!! I love the title I can never think of good titles! So sad but it makes it better that Mark died. I'm not a fan of happy endings!
Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down and your eyes are shut.



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