Untitled (for now)

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Part One Iris L.T. Anthony

I strummed a chord on my guitar into the dimly lit room. Opening my eyes, I saw the fog from the gleaming lights above me. Seeing only the shapes of the figures from people in the audience, I continued the song with the band.
We came to the chorus, and I sang:
"Such a Beautiful lie
Such a perfect tonight,
Ohh.
Such a Beautiful lie to
Believe in...”
As we neared the end of the song, I caught a glimpse of the man seated at the back of the room. When our band first came on stage, I noticed he had a grotesque, disgusted face plastered on, as though he didn't want to be there. Now, I noticed he had a slightly amused expression glistening in his eyes.
We finished our song, and the thirty or so people in the pub clapped loudly.
I took my guitar off my shoulders backstage and put it back in its' case. Still feeling slightly nauseated after recovering from a bad case of the flu, I went out the backdoor, hoping the chill October air would make me feel better.
I stepped outside and was immediately greeted by the graceful, crowded New York City nightlife. I was automatically comforted by the familiar sights around me.
I walked along the side of the building, coming face-to-face with the man from the back of the pub. "I was just looking for you," the grotesque-faced man uttered numbly, "you were by far the best performer out there tonight. Anyone who wasn't mesmerized by that voice of yours must be cross-eyed zombies."
"I don't know what to say," I mumbled dumbly. "Thank you?"
The man smiled at me, rambling on about his 'no-nonsense' business.
"So, whaddya say?" he prompted, a glimmer in his eyes and a smile on his face.
"About?" I responded, having not listened to his ramblings.
"Coming over to MKP tomorrow," he mused, still having a gleaming look in his eyes. "My son has recently been nagging me about there being no new talent in the industry, and I think you are the one."
I made a high-pitched laughing noise, being in a state of shock, hysteria slowly creeping on me. "You can't be," I stuttered. "You can't be."
"Michael Keifer of Michael Keifer Productions," he announced proudly, smiling again. "And we at MKP would love for you to join our family." He handed me his business card, and continued. "Tomorrow, 9:00am in the main building, 22nd floor. Gracie will show you where to go after that. If you need anything else, call one of those numbers." At that, he walked to the front of the building, and most likely got into a fancy car.






Part Two Nathaniel (Nate) J. Keifer

I woke up on the lounge chair in my dad's office. The bitter smell of coffee reached my nose, pulling me out of my morning dream-like state. I tried stretching, but was unable to move my limbs properly, therefore falling off the chair and hitting my head on the not-so-soft end table. I hit the ground with my fist as a violent, throbbing sensation overcame my head.
"Hitting floors won't do you any good, you know." My dad pointed out acidically. I moaned at how loud the voice seemed to my ringing ears. I slowly got back on my feet, trying not to disrupt my sensitive head. It always happened when I didn't get enough sleep, and passed out in Dad's office.
"What's it to you," I muttered, walking to the mirror in his bathroom. "old man." I added under my breath. I gazed at my disgruntled reflection in the mirror. My red hair was sticking out everywhere, my eyes weren't yet fully open, and my shirt was dishevelled.
There was a knock at Dad's office door, and Gracie popped her small, strawberry-blonde head in. "There's a Miss Anthony here to see you, Mr. Keifer," she chimed.
"Perfect timing," he replied, putting the paperwork he was working on into a neat pile at the left-hand corner of his desk. "Send her in."
"Are you really going to send a female in here while I look like this? You really must be-" I was cut off when a teenage girl around my age of 17 walked into the room. Her hair was an ashy-blonde with pink streaks running here and there, while her eyes were a deep, oceanic blue, glistening with untold secrets. Her fair skin was donned with freckles sprinkled across her nose. She wore dark-wash, wide-leg jeans, and a purple long-sleeved T-shirt with BROADWAY sprawled across the chest.
She shook my dad's hand and smiled at me. I locked my eyes with hers, causing her cheeks to turn the same shade of pink as her hair.
"Nathaniel, I do hope you'll stop gaping at the poor girl," my father grunted sternly. "she needs to feel at home here." He turned back to the girl and spoke to her. "I'm terrible sorry of that son of mine. He tends to study people, and sometimes it can seem quite rude." He directed the last part at me. Old man isn't that fond of me. After 17 years, you'd think he might be.
She laughed a carefree, wind-chime laugh. "Oh, I really don't mind," she granted. "Mr. Keifer, I realize I didn't properly introduce myself last night. My name is Iris Anthony."
"Well, Iris. As I was saying yesterday, it would be an absolute wonder if you were to join us at MKP," he began. "But first I'd like to record a demo. Do you have your guitar with you?"
"There's never a moment it's not with me." Iris declared, smiling. My mind wandered to thoughts of Iris. Her laugh, her eyes, her smile, her voice...
"Nathaniel!" my Dad bellowed, interrupting my melodic thoughts. "Carry Iris's guitar, would you." I obeyed my father, picking up her guitar case and following them to the studio.



Part Three Iris

I followed Mr. Keifer into the recording studio on the 2nd floor. I had never been in a recording studio before, and my breath was utterly taken away by the sight of my surroundings. "Pretty neat, huh," I heard a voice say into my ear. "that's what I did when I first saw it, too." I looked away from the controls to see Nathaniel smiling at me. "Wait till you get into that room." He pointed to the room in the glass with the microphone.
I walked to the glass window that separated the two rooms, gazing admiringly at the microphone in the studio. "What am I singing?" I asked, looking over to Mr. Keifer, who was taking my guitar out of it’s' case.
"One of your songs," he replied, handing me my guitar. "The one your band played last night was fabulous. Did you write it?"
I felt my cheeks getting hot, and said, "I write all our songs. The words and my guitar part, anyway."
"Perfect," he answered, smiling and rubbing his hands together. "Nathaniel, show Iris where to go and what to do. Make yourself useful around here for once."
I felt Nathaniel put his arm around my shoulder. "What kind of lyrics do you write?" he asked, looking down at me. I blushed again.
"Love songs, mostly," I replied, looking up at his smile. "The usual." I sighed.
"I'll bet they're stunning." he breathed into my ear, and put the headphones over my ears as we approached the microphone. He lifted one earphone and whispered, "Don't pay attention to my dad. Think of... me, say. Or flowers. Ponies, perhaps?" He slipped my guitar over my shoulders and put the earphone back over my ear.
"Nathaniel, get back to the control room." Mr. Keifer announced over the loudspeaker. I watched his back as he walked away, and saw him turn his head around and wink at me. I smiled shyly and blushed, looking away.
"Okay, Iris. You can start." Nathaniel proposed over the loudspeaker once he was back in the control room.
I played the first notes on my acoustic, took a deep breath, and began the first verse:
"We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there, on a balcony in summer air
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
See you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know...”
I kept singing, taking Nathaniel's advice. Completely ignoring Mr. Keifer, I gazed into Nathaniel's eyes. I realized they were a deep shade of green, and his hair a deep red. A typical redhead, I thought to myself, but I stole his freckles. I saw a smile creep on his face, and his eyes locked to mine. I felt my cheeks getting hot again, and I smiled back at him. We were still gazing into each others eyes when I came to the chorus:
"Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said,
Marry me, Juliet; you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby, just say yes."
I finished the last notes of the song and closed my eyes. "What's next?" I asked Mr. Keifer through the mic, opening my eyes and looking at him eagerly. He laughed and replied, "Nathaniel will be right there to help you." Nathaniel stepped into the studio and took the headphones off my head. "You have a gorgeous voice, you know," he murmured. "I'm surprised my dad still knows his stuff when it comes to finding a new and good singer."
I looked at him questioningly, and he sighed and continued. "We haven't had many singers come to MKP for a while now. Dad's been searching and comes back saying, 'No kids these days have any real talent'. I'm ecstatic he found you." He looked down at me and smiled as we were walking back to the studio.
"Nathaniel," I started, but he interrupted me, saying "I prefer Nate."
"Okay, Nate," I continued. "why doesn't he like you?" I asked, stopping. Nate kept walking a few steps ahead then stopped.
"He thinks it's my fault my mom killed herself," he answered, and I immediately regretted bringing up the subject. "I was eleven years old at the time. He was never very fond of me before that, either. Anyway, I had noticed she was acting strange. She was usually so bubbly and happy, making jokes at inappropriate times. It was a week after my birthday, and I was looking around the house for her. She was going to teach me how to play 'Clare de Lune' on the piano. I arrived at the closed bathroom door, knocked, and was greeted by silence. I opened the door and screamed. There was my mom, propped up against the bathtub, blood on the tub, blood on the floor, blood on her. She had slit her wrists and died from blood loss. I found a note on the sink counter she wrote. It said, 'Nate, my baby - I am so, so dearly sorry it must come to this. You were the reason for my life, the reason I was still here. I cannot stand the way your father treats you, therefore I must go. Just remember, my dear, that I will always be watching you, through good and bad. Remember me, Nate. Remember that I love you. I always will.'" Nate looked down, and continued. "It's his fault, not mine. If it wasn't for him she'd still be here." He shook his head, and looked back at me. "Your voice reminds me of hers, you know." He smiled, and I was genuinely glad he was happy again.
"She sounds like she was an amazing person," I breathed, captivated by everything about him.
He walked toward me and took my face in his hands. "Breathtakingly captivating," he mused, and ran his fingers through my hair. My heart started beating at an impossibly rapid pace and my breathing stopped. I looked into his green eyes. "I was talking about you. The breathtakingly captivating part." he laughed. He took my guitar and led me back to the control room, where Mr. Keifer was waiting impatiently.
"Iris, I would like for you to come back tomorrow. Bring some sheet music of your songs," he said. "I have drum, bass, and piano players I would like for you to meet. Come to the recording studio. Same time as today, 9am." He looked up, and ushered for me and Nate to leave. "I have business to do." He urged impatiently.
I packed up my guitar and left the recording studio, with Nate following behind me. "He's a grumpy old man, he is," Nate said sourly. "he's the same as before my mother died. Just grumpier." Nate shook his head and sighed frustratingly.
I walked to the end of the large hall and looked out the window. "It's beautiful," I observed, watching the first snowfall of the season fall on New York City.
"Well," Nate began. "let's go outside! It's a waste of snow if there's no one outside to enjoy it." At that, he took my hand and led me down the stairs to the first floor. "Gracie, would you please hold Miss Anthony's guitar? I'm afraid it will not be able to withstand the cold." He handed my guitar to Gracie and, not waiting for a reply, led me outside to the beautiful sights of a New York City snowfall.




Part Four Nate

Iris laughed her beautiful, melodious laugh and spun around on the sidewalk. I smiled at the carefree sight and gazed lovingly at her.
"What are you doing just standing there?" she questioned walking over to me. "Come on!" she took my hand and led me deeper into the sidewalk. She laughed again and tilted her head back, catching snow flakes on her tongue. I laughed and smiled at how she could ignore the confused and judging stares of the New Yorkers around us, heading for their lunch break.
I imitated Iris's actions, and tried catching snowflakes on my tongue. I laughed again at how silly it felt to be standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk catching snowflakes on my tongue, but smiled at how wondrous and amazing it seemed to Iris.
I looked at Iris, who was now looking at me with a radiant smile. I took her face in my hands, and traced the shape of her lips with my finger. She took that hand in hers, lacing our fingers together, and stood on her toes. I removed my other hand from her face and laced it with her other hand. She laughed a small, musical laugh, and put her lips to mine.
It amazed me how well two peoples' lips could blend together so perfectly. She unlaced her fingers from mine, wrapped her arms around the back of my neck, and I placed my arms on the small of her back.
I lifted her off the ground and spun her around, causing some people walking to give us angry looks. She pulled her lips away from mine and threw her head back laughing. I laughed along with her, still captivated by everything about her. I set her back on the ground and kissed her again, not wanting it to end when she pulled away.

~


This is an excerpt from a short story I wrote last year. I'm still figuring out the next part, but I might submit it when I do figure it out.

Spoiler
I'm aware of how quickly their relationship develops but, this was a very short story and things generally happened very fast.


Songs are A Beautiful Lie by 30STM and Love Story by Taylor Swift.
the opposite of peace isn't
WAR
it's
CREATION




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Hey, Roe!

I'm a sucker for stories about music. Andromance? Lordie, I'm in heaven! Let's take a looksie, shall we? :D

We came to the chorus, and I sang:


You could probably cut this.


"I was just looking for you," the grotesque-faced man uttered numbly,


"I don't know what to say," I mumbled dumbly


Stop! (Hammer time!)

Skimming through your story, I notice you use an awful lot of adjectives. Adjectives, in my opinion, are a lot like salad dressing. Use them sparingly, and they're a treat for the reader. Use them too often, and you'll drown us! Most of your adjectives seem to come in the form of dialogue tags, which is an amateurish mistake. Example:

"The temperature is going down," he said coolly


Another thing you might want to avoid is using too many replacement words for "said". Going through your story, there are exactly five uses of it. There is nothing wrong with the word said! A mistake most beginning writers commit is constant replacement of the word. Don't make that mistake, it's a powerful word. Don't underestimate its value.

I made a high-pitched laughing noise, being in a state of shock, hysteria slowly creeping on me.


This seems... off to me. Perhaps some rewording is in order?

I tried stretching, but was unable to move my limbs properly, therefore falling off the chair and hitting my head on the not-so-soft end table. I hit the ground with my fist as a violent, throbbing sensation overcame my head.


I love this. xD

On your note on how their relationship progresses very quickly, while I agree with you on how things happen very quickly in short stories, there is still the little issue of realism. How long have these two known each other? A few hours? While romantic, the progression seems weird.

Same issue with Nate telling her so quickly about his mother's death. I don't think that it's something I would be so quick to share with someone I've just met, nor would I be so quick to kiss someone like that.

All in all, your story does show potential. :D I'd like to read more, if you do decide to post it! And feel free to PM me if you have any questions about my critique.

Sachi
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010




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i love these kind of stories, it took my breath away. But i agree with Sachi. You should edit some parts, i was lost. Just edit and PM me when you edit and/or add a 2nd part!
Nike :)
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek



'They are afraid of nothing,' I grumbled, watching their approach through the window. 'Together, they would brave Satan and all his legions.'
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights