Love, Demise and Last Goodbyes ~ Him

Lalaland · 2010-04-21T15:58:06Z

Yeah... this is bad :lol: By the way, I've made the girl in this nameless on purpose. Anyway, thanks in advance for any reviews! Love, Demise and Last Goodbyes ~ Him All it took was a smile. One simple glance in my direction, one simple feeling at the pit of my stomach. I knew she would be the one I’d die for, the only one I would ever truly care about. She’s amazing; and she’s all mine. I stare at her deep green eyes that glimmer as her plump lips curve into a smile. I can smell her sweet perfume circling the air. She’s saying something, but I’m not listening. All I can do is stare at her, wondering why she’s with me. Wondering why she thinks that I’m worth something, because I’m not. Everyone knows that. My eyes are still fixated on her when she finishes talking. She stares at me, waiting for an answer to a question I didn’t even hear. “Sorry,” I mutter. “What?” A pair of perfect dimples gradually form on her red cheeks as she grins. “Don’t worry,” she giggles, brushing her lips across mine. “See you later.” Still laughing to herself, she opens the door behind her. She takes off her worn out converse and throws them carelessly into her house. Her ripped jeans are ten times too big for her and her baggy jacket give her body a funny shape; but I don't care. That's what makes her perfect. Seconds later, she’s gone. I manage to catch one last glimpse of her as she closes the front door of her house. It’s now that I realise how lucky I am. But as my mother once told me, you shouldn’t have anything you don’t deserve; no matter how much you want it. I shake the sad - but true - thought out of my head and walk out of her front garden. The sun is blazing, warming my entire body. It’s making me feel happy, relaxed. I shut my eyes and remember the first time I ever saw her. She was simply sat on an old park bench, humming quietly to herself. I hurried past her, not expecting her to notice me; just like everyone else. But she was different, she did notice me. In fact, she did more than notice me. She smiled at me. As I sat beside her on that dirty park bench, we talked. She told me about her life while I lied about mine. That’s one thing I’m good at; lying. I’ve spent my entire life doing it, so I’ve had enough practice. She didn’t know that I was lying and she still doesn’t know it now. She doesn’t deserve to be lied to, and I don’t deserve her. She’ll soon realise that. Anyway, everything works out in the end. I walk into the park smiling like I’ve never smiled before. There's no one around; perfect. I love being in the park late at night. Just me and the trees that surround the grassed area. I can’t help but turn every ounce of my attention to the bench at the back of the park. As I sit down, I close my eyes. Leaning back, I can feel the chilled metal of the bench against my back. It's uncomfortable, but I don't mind. It's our bench; that's all that matters. Sighing in relaxation, I pick up my phone. “Meet me?” I say smoothly down the phone. “Where?” I hear her soft voice. “You know where,” I can’t help but chuckle slightly. Then, I hang up. I don’t need to say goodbye. That’s something you say when you leave someone forever. She and I both knew that. I wait as the rain begins to fall. Freezing raindrops fall like crystals from the dark sky until they land on my pale skin. I like rain, it’s as though it washes everything clean. It can’t wash me clean though, not ever. I’m too damaged. I can hear the sound of cars from the distance. I know for a fact that they can't see me, the road is at least three miles away. The only sound to be heard is the odd bird chirping, although I can mostly hear crows squawking. My head begins to ache slightly now, but I know that it's a good thing. It will be over soon, anyway. “Aston?” I hear her voice in front of me. “Sit here,” I smile as I pat the spot next to me. If only she knew how I feel, how beautiful she truly is. I don’t want to hurt her, I never want to have to hurt her. That’s why I have to do it. It’s amazing. We sit beside each other, talking. It feels like the first time we ever met. It’s as if her and I are the only people in the entire world. I can see my house from here. I can see the tattered garage door and my fathers car parked awkwardly on the front drive. I can almost even smell my father cooking his horribly fatty bacon. I've told him how bad it is for him; he never listens. I can feel myself slowly tiring out, but I still listen to what she has to say. The chilled Winter air is biting into my arm, but I don't mind. Everything’s going to be perfect soon; I’ll finally give her the happiness that she deserves. As every feeling in my body begins to drift into nothingness, I shut my eyes. “Why did you ask me to come here?” She says in my ear. “You only just left my house ten minutes ago!” I can’t help but notice the pleasure in her voice. I stare at her pixie shaped face and her deep green eyes that remind me of a pair of gleaming emeralds. So unique, so perfect. I don’t need to answer, she knows why. She knows that I can’t live without her, not even for ten minutes. I simply smile, telling her what she already knows. "I'm so glad I have you," She whispers in my ear. "I don't know what how I'd cope otherwise." "Do you think my brother's going to be all right?" She speaks nervously. "He's been so different after the crash. What if he's never the same again?" I look at her sad eyes, feeling ever so sorry for her. She's been through so much lately and I wish that I could do something to help her for once. That's what I'm doing now though, I suppose. "I don't know," I mumble pathetically. I can't help but notice her eyes watering as they become more and more bloodshot. She starts talking about my mother now. I don’t like it. She didn’t know my mother; no one knew my mother like I had known her. The way she used to tell me incredible stories at night, the way she used to smell before going to work, how her smile would make any tears in my eyes disappear. I've lost all of that now; only painful memories remain. She shouldn't have died, I should have. I have nothing left of her now but the guilt in my shallow heart. My head feels funny now, but at least I know that it’s working. Another five minutes should do it. My legs are beginning to feel limp, completely lifeless. I can’t help but feel excitement in the pit of my stomach. For once in my life, I am going to do something good. She’s still speaking, but I can’t hear her again. Her gentle voice is muffled along with the sound of raindrops falling into the shallow park pond. I can smell the dampness of the tarmac around me; it's somewhat comforting. I wonder how long it will take her to notice? It shouldn’t be too long now. As I turn to look at my house once more, I realise that I've left my bedroom light on. Knowing my father, he's probably going to leave it on just so he can give me a silly lecture about saving electricity. Everything around me feels weird now. My vision is blurring and every sound seems echoed. I can still smell her perfume radiating off her chest, but only mildly. “Aston?” I hear her call my name. I manage to pull one, last week smile as I keep my eyes gently shut. She’s shaking me now, but I can hardly feel it. I feel incredible. “Aston? Stop it, you’re scaring me!” Her voice is shaking. Why does she sound so scared? I’m doing this for her. Everything I do is for her; she knows that. Maybe she’s just shocked? Yeah, that’s it. She’ll soon come to understand. I try to speak to her, but I can’t. All that I can do is mumble unrecognisable words. She’s screaming now, except it’s not my name anymore. She’s calling for someone else; for help. Doesn’t she understand? I love her. I can’t let her love me, I can’t let her ruin her life. She deserves better than that. I smile as she cries. I like being in her arms, knowing that she’s holding me. It feels as though the pills are still sliding down my dry throat. Past my slowly beating heart and into my empty stomach. It’s a nice feeling; I know that I’ve done the right thing. As I feel my body slowly failing, I stare up at her piercing green eyes. She's sad. I don't like it. She needs to understand that she has to be here when I'm going, she has to be the last person I ever see. I want to leave this world in her arms. No one else's; hers. Her small teardrops fall onto my skin as she continues shouting. She’s still calling my name. Why can’t she just accept it? Why can’t she accept what’s best for her? I want to hug her, tell her that there’s no reason to be upset. I want to dry her tears, just like my mum used to dry mine. As I take one last breath, I finally learn what it’s like to feel happy. What it’s like to have someone who loves you. I know that I’m hurting her, but in the end, this is the best way to hurt her. I can never hurt her again after this. Love takes sacrifice. They say that suicide is the cowards’ way out; but I beg to differ. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. “Goodbye...” I manage to mumble as the world shuts down. You shouldn’t have anything you don’t deserve; no matter how much you want it. I hear my mothers gentle voice in my ear. I miss her. Here's the link to the second part of this, if you're interested - Love, Demise and Last Goodbye's ~ Her

sarebear

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Mon May 03, 2010 8:28 pm

sarebear says... · Mon May 03, 2010 8:28 pm

I guess I'm kind of slow on the uptake since you've already written another one. However, I still wanted to say that this is beautiful. It was extremely sad. I was slightly confused, until I got to the end, but I like that. It really makes you think. Thanks for such a wonderful story!

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.

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jolene

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Mon May 03, 2010 8:30 pm

jolene says... · Mon May 03, 2010 8:30 pm

I'm going to cry! It was lovely!

Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

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lilymoore

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Tue May 18, 2010 4:22 am

lilymoore says... · Tue May 18, 2010 4:22 am

I'll just make this short, I didn't neglect your reviews, I just forgot to check my WRFF thread...so I neglected to find out if I had any review requests!

And since you asked for a real, solid critique, here you'll have it!

One simple glance in my direction, one simple feeling at the pit of my stomach.

Right off the bad, a run-on sentence is not the most pleasing thing to see. But there are two easy fixes. You can change the comma to a period or a semi colon. Either one is correct!

It’s making me feel happy, relaxed.

This sticks out like nothing else as telling rather than showing. Just scrap this sentence. Use your MC's actions to show that he is happy and relaxed. It's waaaay more impressive!

I’ve spent my entire life doing it, so I’ve had enough practice.

These two chunks are saying the same thing. You don't need them both.

I say smoothly down the phone.

Do you mean 'into'?

“You know where,” I can’t help but chuckle slightly.

That little comma is berry naughty. Ha, unless you're following dialogue with 'I said' or 'I replied' you stick a period in there, not a comma.

The chilled Winter air is biting

You never capitalize the name of seasons.

I manage to pull one, last week smile as I keep my eyes gently shut.

I can see that you're trying to use the comma for dramatic effect here but essentially, a comma is like saying 'and'...without saying 'and.' (at least when you're working with adjectives) You really don't need one here.

Overall
This isn't bad. The thing you need to work on is showing instead of telling. You don't need to tell us that your character is 'sad' you can show it by describing the slouching of their shoulders or the pout on their face.

And now, on to part two!

Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.

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