To tickle your fancy (part 2)

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4893
Reviews 99
"Quickly, we must not be seen," He said. Walking with brisk strides he led them down a shadowed alleyway. There was no choice but to follow. At the very end he knocked three times on a wooden door. A momentary pause and the door swung out. He ushered them inside locking the door behind them. They stood in a comfy little kitchen and dining room made up with a round wooden table and matching chairs. A chandelier with lighted candles hung over it. There was also a fireplace that blazed in the far corner.
"You've any idea the risk you are putting yourself through, you could have been seen," A woman's voice whispered. The girls turned. Gem folded her arms across her chest, her eyes cold. "One of you will tell us what is going on and what we have to do with it, right now," She demanded. "No, not now, in the morning," The hooded stranger said. "Why can't you tell us now?" Maroon asked. He sighed. Because it's late and I've been looking for the two of you for a very long time. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to get some sleep. With that he disappeared down the hallway.
Maroon turned toward the woman a scowl on her face. "Don't you give me a look like that little missy," She warned. Giving a deep sigh she uncrossed her arms. That's better. Now you two little laddies come along now I'll make you a warm bowl of beef stew. Maroons stomach growled in agreement. The stew had been delicious and fulfilling. Getting from her chair the woman cleared the dished from the table and brought them to the sick for cleaning. As her back was turned maroon gave gem a look as if saying. "What now?" Gem could only shrug her shoulders in reply.
Later that night neither could sleep. They had a discussion in low whisper. "Gem, I won't lie to you, I'm scared," Maroon confessed. As am I but we only have to wait a few more hours then I'm sure our hooded friend a few doors down will explain everything to us. "Lets hope," Maroon said.
Morning arrived with sunlight pouring through the open window and the delicious smell of eggs. Stepping out of the hallway maroon stopped abruptly, causing gem to walk into her. "Maroon movie it!, I'm starving,"She said. Maroon only tapped her finger in the direction of the table. Gems eyes froze; not on the delicious food atop the table but rather at the individual sitting before it.
It was without a doubt the hooded stranger but without the dark, long, hooded cloak that concealed his face. His hair was a dark red close to the color of blood, the face was tanned but had the imperfection of a scar under his right eye that was lighter than the rest of his skin. If you overlooked that minor flaw you would actually see a beautiful man.
His dark eyes turned on their frozen stare. "If the two of you are done with your analysis you should come and eat," He said. Indicating the two chairs opposite his. They took their seats. "Now will you tell us what you want from us?" Maroon asked barely above a whisper. Folding his muscled arms on the table he gulped down the last of his eggs. "Where so I start?" he asked.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5772
Reviews 45
Hi babymagic! This story has a lot of promise. I found several nitpicks, thought, so here goes...
"Quickly, we must not be seen," He said. Walking with brisk strides he led them down a shadowed alleyway.

The first "He" is not capitalized. Also, put a comma after "strides".

"You've any idea the risk you are putting yourself through, you could have been seen," A woman's voice whispered. The girls turned. Gem folded her arms across her chest, her eyes cold. "One of you will tell us what is going on and what we have to do with it, right now," She demanded. "No, not now, in the morning," The hooded stranger said. "Why can't you tell us now?" Maroon asked. He sighed. "Because it's late and I've been looking for the two of you for a very long time. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to get some sleep." With that, he disappeared down the hallway.


The first sentence should be divided into two and changed a little, like, "Do you have any idea the risk you are putting yourself through? You could have been seen."
Also, remember that every time that a new person speaks, you make a new paragraph. I also put some punctuation in red.
Maroon turned toward the woman a scowl on her face. "Don't you give me a look like that little missy," She warned. Giving a deep sigh she uncrossed her arms. That's better. Now you two little laddies come along now I'll make you a warm bowl of beef stew. Maroons stomach growled in agreement. The stew had been delicious and fulfilling. Getting from her chair the woman cleared the dished from the table and brought them to the sick for cleaning. As her back was turned maroon gave gem a look as if saying. "What now?" Gem could only shrug her shoulders in reply.


Again, remember to make new paragraphs. There was also one thing that confused me. Who is the woman? You didn't describe her in the paragraph before, and we didn't know she was folding her arms. Where was she? What was she doing? Remember to capitalize the names for your characters.

All of the other nitpicks are similar.

Good job, and keep writing!



Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop