The Bullet Grazed Her Heart pt.2

Hello everyone! It's me((of course)) again. Okay, part two of this little romance do-hickey I'm trying out. In this section you will...

Spoiler

find out why Zane actually ended it with Nanali. Or, is he just lying to cover up a deeper secret? Time will tell...

Muwahahahahaha! Oh, sorry, excuse that little outburst of mine. Well, enjoy, comment, help, nit-pick, or whatever you feel like doing with this piece of mine. I apologize for the length, unless you think the length isn't a problem at all((in that case I don't apologize)). Buh-bye!








Water lapped lazily at the shoreline of the white sand beach and laughter vibrated through the empty air. The sun was steadily sinking below the horizon, throwing colors of orange, red, pink, and purple across the shimmering ocean water. I couldn't be bothered with the scenery, though, not when she was here. Her shoulder-length dark brown hair dripping with water, dark blue eyes open wide with ecstasy, the bits of sand that clung to her green and black bikini, and even the simple curve of her figure tore my sight away from nature's beauty. The subtle pout of her lips demanding my undivided attention, her hips, swaying back and forth ever so gently, taking my hands prisoner. Water coursed down her body in small droplets that caught the dwindling sun light and made her body sparkle more than it already had. Her long, elegant fingers swept my drenched black hair from out of my face so that dark blue could meet hazel before her perfect, full, naturally rose colored lips found a home in the crook of my neck.
"I love you," she mumbled into me.
"I love you too..."

"Breakfast time," my mother's voice jolted me awake from a particularly good dream I was having. I ruffled my hair and pulled myself out of bed.
"I'll be right down," I called while pulling myself out of bed. The smell of bacon and pancakes filled my room, urging me to brush my teeth a bit faster. I didn't even bother grabbing a shirt, the food was calling to me and I couldn't be bothered with petty things such as clothing. That could wait until later. I jumped down the stairs from the fourth one from the bottom, skipping all the broken ones that creaked when anyone over 100lbs. stepped on them.
"Smells good, ma, what's the occa-" I froze in my tracks and groaned as my eyes sought out another. That other undoubtedly being Nanali. Mom turned around from her place at the stove, her hair piled up into a messy bun and a still hot frying pan clenched in her thin fist.
"Oh, hey darlin'! I made your favorite-"
"Chocolate chip pancakes," Nanali finished for her, smiling as if this wasn't just about as uncomfortable as itchy underwear. I smiled awkwardly and sat down at the table.
"Mom," I growled," what's she doing here?" Mom put the plate down in the sink and wiped her hands on her apron.
"Now, Zane Balor, that is no way to address your ex! I expect you to treat her with the same courtesy and respect you did when you two were still dating! Nanali is a welcome into our home anytime she pleases and I don't like your tone of voice. I want you to-"
"It's okay, Ms. Layla. It's fine," Nanali said. Mom scoffed and went to cleaning the kitchen. " Um, if you don't mind, I'd like to speak with Zane alone please.You see, our relationship ended on a rather confusing note. I'd just like to clear the air before things get complicated between us." Mom waved her hands in the air.
"Oh, be my guest," she laughed. I stood up quickly and started towards the stairs, Nana following closely behind.
- - - - -
"I just don't understand," she mumbled into her hands. She was sitting on the edge of my bed, sunlight seeped in through the window, highlighted her hair and throwing a slim shadow across the sheets of my un-fixed bed. I was pacing back and forth in front of the closet, keeping time to the sound of my footfalls.
"What's there not to understand," I hissed and her while shaking my head. "We were becoming too dependant on each other," I sighed. She jumped up from the bed suddenly, her fist clenched together tightly.
"That's what love is! You depend on each other; need each other!"
"That's the thing," I shouted back," I don't want to have to need you! I won't be around forever-"
"I know that! That's why I want you around for as long as I can have you. You're not making any sense."
"I'm making perfect sense, you just don't get what I'm saying."
"Let me guess, you thought that we needed each other too much and since you weren't going to be around forever you thought it best to break it off between us so I wouldn't have to depend on you for, I don't know, things like love. So, in your twisted little mind, you figured that if you ended it with me then I wouldn't have to need you anymore and you could live your pathetic life without having to worry about another. Am I right?" I scratched my head.
"Well...when you put it that way..."
"Zane. I want to need you. I want the satisfaction of knowing that when I'm hurt or happy or depressed or anything I want to know that I can always tell you." I clenched my jaw together tight and hissed.
"It's because I'm cheating on you, okay! We've been dating too long, you became boring. I needed something different; someone that wasn't you!"
- - - - -
((That's all...for now anyway.))

Ooh, I'm so glad you kept going with this, I loved the first part! right, I think you're better at writing description than writing about the people themselves, what they say and what they do. I just loved the dream at the beginning but some of the things the characters say aren't so realistic, but apart from that I can't find anything wrong at all!! Can't wait for the next part, I really do think this could be something good Shade

*Nods in agreement to Shade*. I'm glad you decided to continue with this, but I agree that some of the things aren't as real as the first part. In the first part, I had the impression that these lovers were adults, but that just might be me. Another thing is, why would Nanali be at his house in the morning? How did she get here, are they neighbors? Did she drive here? That's just my personal opinion. Nice description with the dream and all.

-Cressy

Hi again. You were fast posting another part, I like that. Anyway, onwards to the review --->

-That was some beautiful description during the dream! The "I love you's" should be in italics too, though.

I froze in my tracks and groaned as my eyes sought out another.

Sought out implies that he was looking for Nanali, when really he just saw her.

"It's okay, Ms. Layla. It's fine,"

Um... I thought the last name was Balor? If Nanali is calling Zane's mother by her first name with a Ms. in front, that's just weird. There could of course be a divorce or something involved with this, but if it's not mentioned in the story I'd cut it out to avoid confusion.

"I just don't understand," she mumbled into her hands. She was sitting on the edge of my bed, sunlight seeped in through the window, highlighted her hair and throwing a slim shadow across the sheets of my un-fixed bed.

Can I just say that, for some reason, I got a really clear image of this? I loved it!

"Let me guess, you thought that we needed each other too much and since you weren't going to be around forever you thought it best to break it off between us so I wouldn't have to depend on you for, I don't know, things like love. So, in your twisted little mind, you figured that if you ended it with me then I wouldn't have to need you anymore and you could live your pathetic life without having to worry about another. Am I right?" I scratched my head.
...
"Zane. I want to need you. I want the satisfaction of knowing that when I'm hurt or happy or depressed or anything I want to know that I can always tell you." I clenched my jaw together tight and hissed.

Twice here you put Zane's actions after Nanali's speech, which is odd, and makes me do a double take to make sure it was Nanali talking, not Zane. I'd put it in front of Zane's speech instead. Also, Zane's logic is kinda screwy.

"It's because I'm cheating on you, okay! We've been dating too long, you became boring. I needed something different; someone that wasn't you!"

Oh skittles! Twist! I can't wait to read more! There is more, right? If not, there's not a lot of closure. :/

By the way, I think he seemed more manly in this bit.

Keep writing! Quickly, so I can read more!

~Karma

Thank you all for your comments. Yes, of course there will be more. In the next section I'll try on improving the dialogue. You all have helped me a lot and I thank you for having the care to read part two. Goodbye and I suppose I will be seeing you all on a later date.
~Miss Lovable Loveless