Forever&Always #1

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Hey guys. Before reading chapter one you should read the prologue
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Thanks...please review:)

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Forever&Always #1



Tuesday 15th of September...

Lia

Me and Heather we're sitting in my room, as always after school, doing our homework.
I knew I had to tell her today. I've been feeling sick, for a few weeks now and my period was late (it hadn't been late since I got it for the first time.) I think that I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do. I really wish that I'm wrong, that it's something else.

"Heather? Can I talk to you about something?" I asked her uneasy. She looked up at me, from her history book.

"Yeah, sure, I'm here for you girl," She said adding a smile at the end.
Okay, this is it. She'll know what to do, she'll understand, because she's my best friend.

"I...I think I'm pregnant Heather..." I said, worm-like tears started to fall, down my chicks, I didn't know why, but I let them do so.

"Oh, wait a minute Lia, what did you say again? I think I didn't hear you right" She said looking at me disbelievingly.

"You're hearing's okay, Heather. I said that I think I'm pregnant." My voice was shaking. I was relieved that I told someone what I thought. I couldn't hold it inside me anymore.

I was crying hysterically now. Heather stood up from her book and hugged me.

"It's gonna be okay girl. I'll be here for you..." She whispered. I knew I could count on her.

"Have you done the baby test yet?" She asked when I calmed down a little bit.

"No. Not yet. I'm kinda scared to do it." I looked up at her. Her eyes were full of concern.

"Let's go!" She said pulling her jumper on.

"Go where?" I looked at her puzzled.

"Pharmacist,to buy the baby test. We have to be sure. I mean you have to be sure." She said half-way out of my bedroom. I quickly followed her.

***

I felt shy, in the pharmacist. The shop-keeper, was eyeing us suspiciously, well who wouldn't if he found out that two sixteen year old girls wanted to buy a pregnancy test. But he didn't ask us anything. I felt relieved once we were home. To me it seemed like everyone outside was looking right at me, I know I was just imagining it, but still.

I was pacing back and forth in our black bathroom, which was making the situation even more dramatic. The pregnancy test was sitting, on the toilet. I couldn't look at it,suddenly I didn't want to find out the truth.

"Lia, calm down. It's gonna be ready now..." I didn't stop.

"Want me to look?" Heather asked me. I just nodded. What if it's going to be positive, what am I going to do then?

She picked up the pregnancy test, but didn't say anything. What if it is positive and she doesn't know how to tell me. The hell, what am I going to do. I'm sure mum will kick me out, she'll be so angry.

"So..." I asked, my voice was shaking, the familiar bump was building up in my throat, I was holding back the tears that were building up in my eyes.

"I'm so sorry Lia, it's positive." the word 'positive' felt like a hard slap to me. The tears I was holding back, started to well out of my eyes. Why? Why me?

"Is it Olivers? You never said you did it with someone..." She asked. Oliver? No way. He broke up with me two months ago at Heather's birthday party.

"No..." I said, looking down, onto the cold floor.

"So? Whose is it?" She asked me.

"It's...It's...Gabriel's" My voice trailed of. Gabriel is Heather's seventeen year old, brother.

"How..." she whispered. I know she never thought it would be Gabriel.

"It happened on your birthday party, two months ago. You know, Oliver dumped me like at the start, so I went up stairs. Gabriel found me in your bathroom, crying. He...he was so gentle... understanding... It…it just happened...." I blurted out.

“Why didn’t you tell me girl? I thought we are bff’s…” her voice sounded sad.

“After it, we both acted like it never happened, I don’t know, I was scared to tell you. I’m sorry Heather, I truly I’m. I was never planning for it to happen. I mean me and Gabriel always hated each other, it’s… I don’t know.” I said still looking at the floor.

“It’s okay girl, I mean it wasn’t intentional.” She said. I felt her hands on my shoulders, and then she hugged me tightly. I knew I could count on her.

“You have to tell them, all of them.” She said, now sounding serious.

“What do you mean?” No way, I don’t want to tell them, I can keep it in secret, can’t I? At least for a while.

“You know, first you have to tell Gabriel, then everyone else.” How am I supposed to tell Gabriel? He won’t listen. Afterwards he’s going to hate me even more.

“I know what you’re thinking, I’ll make him listen, even if I’ll have to tie him to a chair.” I just had to smile. Yeah, Heather will make him listen, I’m sure of that.

“You have an unusual teenage pregnancy situation…” I knew what she was talking about. I’m not only a pregnant teenager but a witch as well. I know this sounds so, cliché, but it’s true. My whole family consists of witches (and I don't only mean the girls, even boys in our family have magical powers) and Heather is one of the only one’s that knows ( I mean outside of my family.)

“Oh, I have to run, I’m already like, twenty minutes late for my date with Zac…I’ll call you later…don’t worry, I’m your best friend, I’ll help you through this.” She smiled and then disappeared in the doorway.

She left me standing in the bathroom alone. Well actually, I wasn’t alone, I had the baby with me. I touched my stomach. I felt weird, I don’t feel immature enough to be a mother, but there’s no-way I’ll have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption, I’ll care for my (I mean my and Gabriel’s) little accident.
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe




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This is pretty good! I read a lot of these types of stories in my free time, and I really enjoy them. This one is quite different from the others though, because naturally, there seem to be no vampires or demons and whatnot, but witches instead, which is interesting. I am curious to read of Gabriel's reaction.

One thing I have to criticize though is Heather's reaction to the events of the story. I suspected Heather to be more upset with Lia. For one, Lia didn't tell Heather at once, which if that had happened to me, I would tell my best girl friends right away and try to figure out what it means, what happened, etc. And secondly, I would think that Heather would be slightly repulsed by the fact that her brother had sex with her best friend. Also, I think that Heather should've been mad at Gabriel for what'd he'd done. But overall, I think that this has great potential as it progresses! Keep writing, and good luck!


P.S. The site I read stories like this on is wattpad.com . I think if you haven't already posted this story on that site, it would do well with the audience there. I haven't read many stories on YWS, but I think if you would like more positive feedback than critiques, you should post this story on that website. Also, I would be sure to follow the progression of it on there, but I can't assure you that I will on YWS, as I don't exactly visit this site as often as the other.




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Hey there!

This is still good, but you have gone off the track of good ole reality again. The story focuses on a very realistic issue, but the character's reactions aren't very realistic at all. You should work on making the characters more...human.

Nitpicks


"No..." I said, looking down, onto the cold floor.

"So? Whose is it?" She asked me.

"It's...It's...Gabriel's" My voice trailed of. Gabriel is Heather's seventeen year old, brother.

"How..." she whispered. I know she never thought it would be Gabriel.

"It happened on your birthday party, two months ago. You know, Oliver dumped me like at the start, so I went up stairs. Gabriel found me in your bathroom, crying. He...he was so gentle... understanding... It…it just happened...." I blurted out.

“Why didn’t you tell me girl? I thought we are bff’s…” her voice sounded sad.



Sorry to say this, but if I figured out that my best friend had just had a one night stand with my brother, I would go ballistic. And this is the truth for any other NORMAL girl out there. And if you want to make this more believable, you should have the "bff" be more mad than, "how...".


"I...I think I'm pregnant Heather..." I said, worm-like tears started to fall, down my chicks, I didn't know why, but I let them do so.


You have used the term, "worm-like tears" before. I remember because I liked it. But, for originality's sake, mix this up a little.

Flow

This flowed better than the other chapter/prologue and I like it a lot. You captured the worries of the MC well. Again, the unrealistic reactions of the MCs mess up the flow of the story. Work on that.

Characters

They aren't very real and relate able yet. So far the only character that I really like is Gabriel. I simply can't wait to see how they develop though.

OVERALL:

Good job! I know that the review sounds a little harsh, but it isn't really. This was still very good and I want to know what happens next. You just need to think how people react realistically to difficult situations. Your grammar was better this time around, but ease up on the use of ellipses. ("...") And most of all, keep writing and never give up! There will always be rough spots, but the effort you put to overcome them is what writing is all about. Keep it up!
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




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Hello Ikafe!

This was really great! Well Done! I agree with the points mentioned in Esther's comment but I have a couple of nit-picks to add to that:

I said, worm-like tears started to fall, down my chicks, I didn't know why, but I let them do so.


I think you mean 'cheeks' not 'chicks' :D

I felt weird, I don’t feel immature enough to be a mother, but there’s no-way I’ll have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption, I’ll care for my (I mean my and Gabriel’s) little accident.


I think you mean 'mature' instead of 'immature' because being a mother is associated with being an adult and with being mature.

I’m sorry Heather, I truly I’m.


'am' instead of 'I'm'

That was all I picked up. Overall I thought that this was very good. Your grammar was polished and correct and your characters really work and are believable. The only issue I had was the reaction of Heather, I think she may have been a bit more ballistic before she forgave her ;D
I have read a lot of things like this recently but I still enjoyed this because it flowed well and the thoughts of Lia were really believable and well executed. It may have been a little short for a chapter but its really down to you how long your book and chapters are :D


Well Done! I really enjoyed this!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
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i lost interest. I dont wanna be the bad guy here or anything but i hate the 16-year-old pregnancy story, it happened before. I agree with all the writers above me; but i dont wanna read the pregnancy thing again. I'm just sick of those kind of things. But OVERALL: this was a great story, very interesting; you will get far with this many people enjoy this stuff. Don't make me the bad guy or the one who needs to like everything, just do what you do its great. Just edit!
Nike :)
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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i lost interest. I dont wanna be the bad guy here or anything but i hate the 16-year-old pregnancy story, it happened before. I agree with all the writers above me; but i dont wanna read the pregnancy thing again. I'm just sick of those kind of things. But OVERALL: this was a great story, very interesting; you will get far with this many people enjoy this stuff. Don't make me the bad guy or the one who needs to like everything, just do what you do its great. Just edit!
Nike :)
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Thanks guys, I agree with you about the reaction of Heather its not realistic, sorry I'll try to change it. Thanks for the reviews:)
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe




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Yes, heather's reaction isn't realistic. I mean, her best friend slept with her brotehr for crying out loud! I really don't think someone would be that understanding about it. Other than that it's pretty good.

And hey, can you review my stories? Here's the links...
The Boys Next Door:
novel.php?id=119 and...
So Beautiful, So Dead
novel.php?id=120
Live, Love, Laugh




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i surprisingly like the story, though I do believe sex outside of marriage is wrong. Its surprising that I like it. And I do like the unusual twist of the whole witch thing. Maybe, and I'm just throwing predictions and suggestions here, you could have the Lia related to a Salem Witch and create a twisting story out of it. When you update, please PM me. I can't wait for more! -Lily <3
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i think once every new ywser realizes they can manifest themselves into the quote gen by making a post about the quote gen, they make a very inconspicuous post about the quote gen, but deep in their hearts, they know they’ll see that post at the bottom of the page one day. (yeah, i see you mods. you brought this upon us)
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