A Quick poem that I wrote last night

The blood laid on my hands,
I truly am dead.
All of my fans,
Will lie me in my death bed.
For tonight, I committed my own death,
My eyes shut, everything is black,
No life inside of me, not a single breath.
How come, it was I who got the sack.
If only they knew,
Only if they had seen.
They didn't know what I could do.
They may of stopped me from fleeing,
But now I'm all cold.
Deep underground the ground,
Lying there growing mold.
Never to be found.


It was about 12 when I was writing this in bed

Hey there.
The part to me that really sounds odd is:

Deep underground the ground,

Maybe it could be "Underneath the ground," or, "Under the ground"
Also the lines are quite varying. In size, i mean. Maybe try look at places where you can make a new line?

Anyway, good job.

~Biffle

Sad. I agree about the line variation. I think you could maybe use a bit more... imagery or something just because it doesn't have a lot of feeling for a sad poem. Maybe give how they killed themselves. Metaphors are really good in these sorts of poems too.

Ok Thank you! I will work on this!

Your commas are overabundant, and it disrupts the flow of the poem. Take out just about all of them, and you should be good to go. For a comma separates clauses, (among other things), and here you threw them in randomly; really, it just comes across very awkward to read. Also, your meter and rhyme schemes are clumsy;I forget who said it, but the poem shouldn't serve the rhyme; the rhyme should serve the poem. So if you can't arrange the syllables evenly, I say do away with rhyming altogether.

The actual content of the poem was a bit cliche (when I read "fans" I automatically thought of Miley Cyrus for some reason, but I'm not sure why ); if you do intend to keep the poem, I think you have a lot of revision to do.

Cheers,

–antimelrose

It is really good. It makes you think about all you have written.

Just one thing.
'They may of stopped me from fleeing'

Did you mean to say
They may have stopped me from fleeing.?