Wounded Angel

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Fire scorched and fire singed

Singed? Is that a word?

Was watched but one
That wished upon a star

That's a bit awkward. You may want to say something like but with one or but the one or something there. Otherwise it just sounds off to me.

Then she noticed
With some shock
That it was coming near

Closer and closer
By the second
Till she saw his body clear

That is just so plain and ordinary, I am sorry but it needs to be reworded or thrown out.

Okay, so you have the story telling idea down pact, good. You need to throw in some real imagery and show us all of this rather than telling us this. like here:(when I say here, I mean everywhere)

Also, as one last note, you could defently use some punctuation to help make this easier to read and things.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
PS: the last line is the only part I liked.

Tears of blood

I understand you're going for a symbolic 'Jesus-like' crying of blood. However, it's a bit clichéd in writing. Also, you start out with it -- making it set the stage for your poem. Although this is quite the image -- give us something leading up to this event...show us why 'he' was kicked out, ya' know? You have a big topic to play around with, here.

Spurned from heaven

"Spurned" is an odd word choice, it usually means that you're shunned/ridiculed, in a way. The symbol you're talking about was thrown from heaven...he didn't decide to leave on his own. So, change the word. ^_^

Fire scorched and fire singed

Scorched and singed are basically the same thing. It's a bit redundant here, so think of a different word to substitute in.

The pitch-black wings
That pierced his back

Above, you say he is all pure-white...and now he's black, with wings? I think you should put in another stanza before this...or maybe two above and show the wings protruding from him...screams of pain, etc...Show us that his soul is turning black and that he's undergoing de-angelization. xD (If that's even a word, de-angelization)

Was watched but by one

A selfish wish for her she knew
But still she
Yearned for love

This is out of no-where...now you have a lady who wants love even if it means being in love with a demon? (which he is now)
I have a problem with your word-choice in the first line. Perhaps you should use "Herself" instead of "her".

Also, this is the first time you mention her wishing on a star...and it seems too perfect that at that moment a person (Demon) would fall into her life. Too perfect isn't good...it's a forced, predicted feeling, you know? Try to add a pre-story into this character...why is she yearning for love? Why with a demon...and why would she settle?

Then she noticed
With some shock
That it was coming near

Closer and closer
By the second
Till she saw his body clear

Your wording needs improvement. In these two stanzas you use inversion and tedious language of decribing what she's feeling. Instead of "With some shock", maybe you should say, "Shocked -- she noticed" or something like that. The word choice makes the flow falter and it turns out not reading nicely.

Explosion rang
Outside her window
As his body met the ground

You're using "explosion" in an odd way...especially followed by "rang". Also, a body doesn't make an explosive sound when it meets the ground. Perhaps if the body tore through the land on its way to Hell, then maybe. Furthermore...if his body *did* make an explosive sound....wouldn't her window shatter? Knock her backwards?

Soil shook and quivered
As she ran
To check the noise

Why would someone run outside (if they clearly saw a body falling from the sky) and see what it was? If it were me, I'd stay inside and call someone. In poetry, you have to think plausibly sometimes...even if the poem itself is totally fantasy like this!

"The Wounded Angel"

(the "angel" is now a demon...so no longer an angel.)

And smiled at the wonder

Wonder? Is this lady crazy? It's a demon who's burnt and all black with wings coming from it! (I'd say that was creepy...no? Also...why would she touch it; she's obviously crazy! A demon would kill her! Also, the story you are re-telling with a *twist* makes no sense to the addition of this lady character...I'd say just get rid of her all together and expand on the re-telling of the story.)
~~~


Lost -- You have an interesting idea with the pureness beneath a 'seemed to be evil', however you don't portray it enough.


1. Get rid of the female character. The wish she makes, the actions, and things she does are totally unbelievable.

2. Work on word choice in this.

3. Expand on the 'demon's' side of the story...give us more background information

4. Give us more detail and imagery.


Hope this can help some.


-Jon


(I don't mean to be harsh...just trying to help.)

Polish it up and I'll be back!

Tears of blood
Ran down his face
And stained his pure white cheeks

Spurned from heaven
Tossed to Earth
His body starts to burn

First impression: cliché imagery of the wangsty teen variety. Not a good first impression. Tears of blood, pure white skin, fallen angels - these are all-too common motifs used by almost every modern teen who has ever written poetry. Try describing things in a way that no one else but you have thought of before, and then show your readers that, yes, it really is a perfect way of describing that. There is no uniqueness of imagery that poetry needs to stand out in this poem.

Fire scorched and fire singed
The pitch-black wings
That pierced his back

The first line sounds really nice. I like the repetition of "fire". However, I'm wondering if his wings were black to begin with, or if the fire made them so? It's unclear from the way you have it phrased.

His fast descent
Was watched but one
That wished upon a star

Rather than "but", do you mean "by"? It makes more sense. Also, "who" is more appropriate than "that" since we're talking about a person and not a thing.

A selfish wish for her she knew
But still she
Yearned for love

This switch to the girl strikes me as a bit abrupt and jarring. You could lead into this much more smoothly if you tied it directly to "she", right away answering who the question of who the one wishing on the star and watching the angel fall is.

Then she noticed
With some shock
That it was coming near

These lines are so very bland and not descriptive. What made her notice? How shocked was she? Did she feel anything else other than shock mingled in?

Closer and closer
By the second
Till she saw his body clear

Is there, or is there not a rhyme/rhythm scheme? One moment, it seems there is. The next, there isn't. Try reading this poem aloud (and make a recording if you can) and listen to yourself. If something sounds off, or if you stumble over something, that's because there likely is something off with the rhythm or wording.

Also, how does she know it's a body? Why is time being measured by the second? I'd think something falling from great height would be falling extremely fast.

Explosion rang
Outside her window
As his body met the ground

Rang is really not the best word. Last I checked, the ground was not a gong.

Soil shook and quivered
As she ran
To check the noise

It's good that you describe (a little) about the effects of the impact, but it's really not enough in my opinion. What have the neighbors to say? Is anyone else running out to check?

"The Wounded Angel"
A little twisted
She stared at him with awe

?

Where does this "Wounded Angel" bit come from? Why is she staring at him in awe? what position is he in? What is "a little twisted" pertain to (his wings? torso? etc.)?

She leaned and wiped
His gentle cheek
And smiled at the wonder

How gentle can a cheek be after it's been subjected to fire and severe impact? I'd think it be more of a bloody, pulpy mess than anything else. What wonder?

She saw through
The blood soaked horror
And glimpsed the pure beneath

What happened to the being burned by fire? I really liked the simplicity of the last line.

Overall, you got the storytelling part down, but it's basically all plot and not much else. There's no descriptive flesh on those storied bones, so we're left with a skeleton of a poem. I've asked some questions in certain areas: if you can address some of them by adding some description/other poetic devices (like metaphor or simile), I think it will help strengthen your poem on a whole.

Another thing I noticed was that the flow of the poem was inconsistent. Poetry is intended to sound, if not beautiful, natural. You sounded a bit stilted in places due partially to the inconsistent rhythm and rhyme (which I'm not sure is even intentional). As I mentioned above, the best way to catch this is to read it out loud and take note of where you stumble/things sound off.

As far as subject and imagery go, there's nothing particularly original. This isn't a bad thing, necessarily, except that this poem is lacking any uniqueness that would make it interesting. Right now, it reads like something any random teenager/young adult would write and not like something only you could write. I can't really help much with this since developing your own voice is something every writer has to figure out for themselves, but reading other poets' poetry, analyzing them to see what techniques they used, and then trying those techniques out yourself is the best way to learn.

I hope that was constructive.