Helmet of Vrokan - Prologue

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Dawn slowly crept into Heindra, with the first sun rays breaking through the clouds. It was still quiet, nobody was awake.

A lone figure on a horse entered, he was thin and carried a black sack in one hand, the other holding the horse’s reins. He was careful not to make a noise, his mission could be jeopardised.

Glancing around to make sure no one was following him, he made his way to a small cottage on the eastern side of the town.

Peeking into the sack to make sure the contents were still there, he urged the horse to go faster. At last he reached the cottage, it was a simple one, yet hard to get in. There were no gardens like the other cottages, no weeds or grass around the house. Most of it was earth.

The figure walked up to the house, reached inside the sack, and pulled out a vial of green liquid. He splashed it onto the door. At first, nothing seemed to happen, then the door slowly faded, revealing a dimly lit room.

The figure entered, and the door sealed itself again. The room became dark once again, with the only light coming from the fireplace. A bed on one side of the room appeared.

“I have come,” he said.

A man from the bed roused, he rubbed his eyes sleepily.

“I see you managed to acquire green dragon’s blood, very good indeed, the items, Jav?” He asked.

The figure, Jav, threw the sack at the man. He caught it with ease, and examined the inside thoroughly.

“Hm, not bad, not bad, quite impressive…oh! What’s this?”

The man pulled out a helmet, it had a blue diamond attached to the top of it, with a dragon carved into it.

“That, Serpin, is the Helmet of the Seventh, maybe you would know it as Vrokan’s helmet?”

“Vrokan’s helmet!” Serpin said, mouth agape. “How in the name of the great dragon king Fugon did you get it?”

“That, Serpin, will be my secret,” Jav said.

Serpin glared the Jav, “Tell me.”

Jav didn’t respond, Serpin threw out his hand. Immediately, Jav felt a force around his throat, it got tighter.

“I stole it from King Arnold’s bedroom,” he gasped.

Jav felt the force go away, he regretted disobeying Serpin. He knew of his ruthlessness.

“Well, you are better than they say…” Serpin said.

“Who said anything about me?” Jav asked.

“The rumours,” replied Serpin. “However I can see that half of the rumours are quite untrue.”

Serpin walked towards one side of the room. Facing the wall, he bit his finger and smeared his blood on it. A crack started to appear, forming a door. It slid aside to reveal a room filled with treasures and gold. Serpin threw the sack inside and it landed without a sound.

“Sound Barrier, isn’t it?” Jav asked.

“Yes, quite obvious actually,” Serpin said, resealing the door.

“What are we going to do now?” Jav asked. “Surely we cannot stay here any longer?”

“No, we can’t. I will teleport us to a safe location, preferably somewhere far away from the kingdom, in the Dark Lands, where we will be protected. The house will still stay here of course. Moving it away will surely raise suspicions. Of course, the secret room will come with us, it has to.”

“We leave now?” Jav asked.

“Yes we are, have you got a hole in your brain?”

“What about the horse, I want to keep it,” Jav said.

“I can move anything within the fence, no worries.”

“Now then, one, two and…”

Serpin, Jav and the horse vanished in a cloud of smoke, and all that was left behind were black spots.
~
Please review and comment :D
Last edited by PenNPaper on Fri Apr 16, 2010 6:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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This story was decent. It seemed fairly original, though there were some cliche names and phrases. The prose is quick and tight, not cluttered with the overly-flowery prose that so infects a lot of fantasy.

However, your characters: I know it's just the prologue, but you have to add something that will help the reader get to know them. You can do with dialogue and action. I noticed that Jav seemed a little nervous, constantly looking into the sack and everything, but when he started talking, I could barely distinguish him from Serpin. Think of what you want their personalities to be and make sure that they creep in.

There were also a fair number of smaller problems I had with the story.

A lone figure on a horse entered, he was thin and carried a black sack in one hand, the other holding the horse’s reins.

What did the lone horseman enter? The city? The street? The town square/plaza? Also, "A lone figure on a horse entered" should be its own sentence.

He splashed it onto the door.

That doesn't make it clear what he's doing. Did he throw the whole vial, or just pour a little out onto it?

know it as Vokran’s helmet?”

“Vrokan’s helmet!”

Whoa, whoa. This is one of the biggest rules of writing fantasy: Make sure you spell your names right. Is it Vrokan or Vokran?

“How in the name of the great dragon king Fugon did you get it?”

Ack, watch the "in the name of _________" phrases. They tend to be very cliche.

Serpin glared the Jav, “Tell me.”

At, I presume? Not the.

in the Dark Lands,

Another cliche name.

All in all, it's an all right story. Not awful, but no masterpiece. Just give it some more work.
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Hey there!

I'm a little too tired for nitpicking, so I'll just give you some thoughts here.

Firstly, watch out for clichés in your writing. Calling something the 'Dark Lands' really isn't a good idea. A little obvious, don't you think? The prologue actually seems a little too obvious to me. From the very first sentence the reader can gather that the man is on a dark mission, so on and so forth. Although characters like this can be fun to write, please don't delve into a rather cliché and obvious style of writing. It's fun to leave some things a little mysterious.

That said, I also think that some of this was lacking slightly. In general, prologues can be a little redundant, so to bypass that you need to give the reader something that totally captures their attention, yet doesn't reveal something totally central to the plot later on. It's quite a fine art, and I don't think you've mastered it fully here. I wasn't really captured by the characters and the scene you portrayed. I think you have a good setup here, you just need to write it in a way that will compel the reader more.

Grammatically, some of your sentences should really be split up into two. You overuse the comma slightly, which makes some parts confusing to read and, well, grammatically incorrect.

I think your description is actually quite good here. Despite some clichés name-wise, you've managed to keep the description quite simple and nice; it's not too purple prosey which sometimes happens in fantasy.

Overall, I think you have a nice idea here, but you need to make it special so that the prologue is worth something as a whole. I'm not a fan of prologues in general, so if I were you I'd make this one perfect and really well written so that it really adds something to your story. Obviously I can't comment on whether it does yet, as I've only read this, but hopefully you've done that well.

PM me with any questions!

~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


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