After Adonis Ch. 2

Please comment and tear it apart! This is the second chapter to After Adonis...Hope u like it!

Hera picked up a normal hand mirror. It was gilded with gold greek letters that was some riddle. Hera smiled. It wasn't everyday you got to see one of those. The magic mirror. At last! Hera mumbled a few gibberish words then the mirror glowed bright green and she looked into it:
Aphrodite glanced up into the soon-dark sky. Judging by Helios's chariot, it was almost dark and Hera still hadn't come.
She must be enjoying it, Aphrodite thought bitterly, watching me through that darn mirror--probably petting that proud peacock too. "Well I don't give a crap!" She shouted to the sky, "Leave me out here for days, weeks, even years. I don't care. Let me rot on the steps of Olympus. Burry my body next to Adonis's." Then, she curled in a ball and fell asleep.

The mirror went blank and Hera sighed. She must have really loved Adonis, Hera's thoughts turned from sad to angry, Who cares? Not me! This is my one shot at being smug and gloating in her face. If I help her, she'll go back to her normal tricksy ways.
With that final solution, she put the magic mirror and fell down on her cloud-bed waiting for husband's return.
Suddenly, thunder and lightning soared across the sky in combat. Hera rolled her eyes. Men!
"HERA!" Zeus thundered. "You must help Aphrodite or face the consequenses!"
"Oh yeah?' Hera rolled her eyes again. "And what would that be?"
Zeus smiled grimly, "there's a new all the rage thing with mortals. It's called...Divorce."
"You wouldn't!" Hera gasped.
"I've been thinking... There's tons of goddesses lining up to marry me." Zeus shot back and Hera glared.
"Fine." Hera stormed out to help the goddess of love with love problems.

Hi! I'll be your first reviewer today, sorry if I say one last thing, then say something else. As I'm rereading as I type. =P

I luv this, and I lurve Greek mythology, so I double lurve this. I lurve lurve this!!! XD Anyways, so the part where Zeus says "there's a new all the rage thing with mortals. It's called...Divorce." Well actually I just found two more grammar mistakes. It's sort of like you switched capitalization's, "there's" needs to be capitalized, and "divorce" doesn't need to be. And also the "there's a new all the rage thing with mortals" I think you meant to say "There's a new thing that's all the rage with the mortals." Or something like that. Oh! And also there's "I've been thinking...There's" you really don't need to capitalize after '...', I think. I seed of doubt has just been planted in the back of my mind XP XD. One last thing,
"Aphrodite glanced up into the soon-dark sky. Judging by Helios's chariot, it was almost dark" You don't need to tell the reader it's almost dark twice. soon-dark and almost dark, is basically the same thing. In fact you don't really need the "judging by Helios's chariot, it was almost dark." You could take that part out altogether. Or alter it to make it mean something different. It's your call, as this is your story. But I would take it out altogether. A spelling mistake too,

"Burry my body next to Adonis's." It should be bury. I'm not sure about the colon at the beginning either, not really ever been sure about when to use colons. Maybe someone else could help you on that? XP

UGH! I'm sorry, I just keep on finding little mistakes! Most of them are grammar. Alright, I pinkie swear this is the last one!

"She must be enjoying it, Aphrodite thought bitterly, watching me through that darn mirror--probably petting that proud peacock too." I think it's periods, not commas, after italics.For example, I think it would be "She must be enjoying it. Aphrodite thought bitterly." Same thing with Hera, and before Zeus storms in. Not sure, please correct me if I'm wrong.

OVERALL: This has a really good plot, as I said before, I LURVE it! Just make it a tad bit longer please? Can't really be called a chapter when it's only 17-18 lines long, not sentences, lines. Not including the beginning sentence when you told your reviewers to rip it apart. (Which I seem to be doing, I assure you I don't usually do lengthy review XP) Work on your grammar & spelling and I think you'll be good to go!

Keep it up!

~Hugs,
Rose

Here I am!.....Rock you like a hurricane!(reference to song)

Okay, lets do this thing.

Well, for one thing, this a especially short chapter.

Moving on, in the first line or so, there are like three different names. Also, you are pretty much telling the reader everything, like in this part:

Hera looked into her magic mirror

Short, simple, but boring. It would be more exciting if you described the mirror's characteristics, maybe a inner glow, or something that can show and or describe the magic mirror without going out and say it.

soon-dark sky was almost dark

I feel like this is pretty repetitive.

Okay, I finished reading and was really confused on what happened. Everything happened really fast and abruptly. It would be much better if you slowed down and described things and didn't do everything so fast. Keep writing!

Hello, my little Sionarama! I'm (finally) here to review this! Think I took long enough? xP

Okay, first of all, I think this has amazing potential . I like the plot and all the Greek mythology. You know me, though. I can always find grammatical mistakes .

Hera mumbled a few gibberish words then the mirror glowed bright green and she looked into it: Aphrodite glanced up into the soon-dark sky.

There should be a comma after "words" and "green."

"Well I don't give a crap!"

Comma after "well."

Burry my body next to Adonis's."

"Burry" should be "bury."

Then, she curled in a ball and fell asleep.

No comma after "then."

The mirror went blank and Hera sighed.

MC, cc MC pattern going on here! Comma after "blank."

She must have really loved Adonis, Hera's thoughts turned from sad to angry, Who cares? Not me! This is my one shot at being smug and gloating in her face. If I help her, she'll go back to her normal tricksy ways.

Period after "Adonis" instead of a comma. There should either be a colon or period after "angry" instead of a comma. "Tricksy" isn't a word. Maybe try "trickster" or "tricky"?

With that final solution, she put the magic mirror and fell down on her cloud-bed waiting for husband's return.

Do you mean "...she put the magic mirror away"? Right now that part doesn't make a lot of sense. There should also be a comma after "cloud-bed."

Hera rolled her eyes. Men!

This is kind of a personal choice, but I think "men" should be italicized, because Hera is thinking it. You could take it differently, though, making it just a statement, so this change isn't necessary!

"Oh yeah?' Hera rolled her eyes again.

Comma after "oh," and two quotes after "yeah?" not just one.

Zeus smiled grimly, "there's a new all the rage thing with mortals. It's called...Divorce."

Period after "grimly," not a comma. Therefore, "there's" should be capitalized. Divorce shouldn't be capitalized.

"I've been thinking... There's tons of goddesses lining up to marry me." Zeus shot back and Hera glared.

There should be a period after the ellipsis points and a comma after "me," not a period. Oh, and comma after "back."

Great work!! Ms. Pamela would be proud . PM me when the next chapter is up or if you need help with anything!
~~Lee-Anna

Oh, Lee-Anna!
You know me so well! This is why we are BFFLs. I write and you correct even though you write, I can never find any thing wrong! I do hope Ms. Pamela would be proud. *tear* I miss her so-o-o-o much *more tears*!!!! Also, I need help with the next chapter itself. Where should i go?! Ah, the great evil beast rears its ugly head again and again. It is my most feared enemy beside spelling. Oh great mistress of Grammar, please help me!!
~Siona

Here's JOHNNY!

I don't know if you wanted me to review this or not, but I am anyway. Go figure.

Hera picked up a normal hand mirror. It was gilded with gold Greek letters that created some riddle. Hera smiled. It wasn't everyday you got to see one of those. The magic mirror. At last! Hera mumbled a few gibberish Wouldn't it just be Greek...? Not gibberish. The language, now. words. Then the mirror glowed bright green and she looked into it:
Aphrodite glanced up into the soon-dark sky. Judging by Helios's chariot, it was almost dark and Hera still hadn't come.
She must be enjoying it, Aphrodite thought bitterly, watching me through that darn mirror--probably petting that proud peacock too. "Well, I don't give a crap!" She shouted to the sky, "Leave me out here for days, weeks, even years. I don't care. Let me rot on the steps of Olympus. Burry my body next to Adonis's." Then, she curled in a ball and fell asleep.

The mirror went blank and Hera sighed. She must have really loved Adonis, Hera's thoughts turned from sad to angry, Who cares? Not me! This is my one shot at being smug and gloating in her face. If I help her, she'll go back to her normal trickster ways.
With that final solution, she put the magic mirror and fell down on her cloud-bed waiting for husband's return.
Suddenly, thunder and lightning soared across the sky in combat. Hera rolled her eyes. Men! Haha... I totally agree.
"HERA!" Zeus thundered. "You must help Aphrodite or face the consequences!"
"Oh yeah?' Hera rolled her eyes again. "And what would they be?"
Zeus smiled grimly, "there's a new all the rage thing with mortals. It's called...Divorce." Haha, I liked this.
"You wouldn't!" Hera gasped.
"I've been thinking... There's tons of goddesses lining up to marry me." Zeus shot back and Hera glared.
"Fine." Hera stormed out to help the goddess of love with love problems. Irony, eh?

Overall

This isn't going to be a very detailed review; sorry. What I have to say is the same as what I've said in your previous review. I don't want to repeat that again, now do I? It would bore me. I don't like being bored. It would bore you too, so this is a win win situation, if you ask me. So yeah. I still think that you're rushing things a bit. I mean, these two chapters are rather short, aren't they? There's nothing wrong with shortness. Like I said in the previous review, I actually like the shortness of this story, so far. It will bother other people though, you need to remember that. You're just quite lucky that I'm not strict and that I'm in a good mood.

One thing I didn't mention in the other chapter is actually something I liked about this story. I like the fact that you're using humour. I'm one of those cool people who love funny things. I highlighted the lines that I especially liked and also the ones that I thought were rather funny. If you do end up making these chapters longer, make sure you keep the humour in them! I also thought that your short story fiction, Skin, was very funny in some parts. You're clearly quite a funny person, naturally. I try writing funny stuff, but I have a tendency to epically fail. You seem to achieve humour in your pieces very well. I applaud you for that.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey there, Sio! Mizz here, as requested && promised! Sorry it took so long.

If something is BLUE, it means I like it.
If something is RED, I've added it in, or replaced a line of your story with it.
If something is GREEN, I don't like it.
My comments will be black, bold font.

Sionarama wrote:
Hera picked up a normal hand mirror. Um, really? Can you get any more boring? It was gilded with gold Greek (don't forget to capitalize) letters that were (you had written WAS, which does not fit with the tense you are using) some riddle. Hera smiled. It wasn't everyday you got to see one of those. The magic mirror. At last! Hera mumbled a few gibberish words Since when is Ancient Greek gibberish? then the mirror glowed bright green and she looked into it:
Aphrodite glanced up into the soon-dark sky. Judging by Helios's chariot, it was almost dark and Hera still hadn't come.
She must be enjoying it, Aphrodite thought bitterly, watching me through that darn mirror--probably petting that proud peacock too. "Well I don't give a crap!" She shouted to the sky, "Leave me out here for days, weeks, even years. I don't care. Let me rot on the steps of Olympus. Bury You had said "burry" which is not the correct spelling. It's BURY. my body next to Adonis's." Then, she curled in a ball and fell asleep.

The mirror went blank and Hera sighed. She must have really loved Adonis, Hera's thoughts turned from sad to angry, Who cares? Not me! This is my one shot at being smug and gloating in her face. If I help her, she'll go back to her normal tricksy Um, that's not a word. Change it to "deceiving ways" or "tricky ways". Writers shouldn't really make up their own words, unless you are trying to be Stephenie Meyer. ways.
With that final solution, she put the magic mirror and fell down on her cloud-bed waiting for husband's return.
Suddenly, thunder and lightning soared across the sky in combat. Hera rolled her eyes. Men!
"HERA!" Zeus thundered. "You must help Aphrodite or face the consequences You had spelled this wrong, but I fixed it.!"
"Oh yeah?' Hera rolled her eyes again. "And what would that be?"
Zeus smiled grimly, "there's a new all the rage thing Change this to "there's a new all-the-rage-thing" with mortals. It's called...Divorce."
"You wouldn't!" Hera gasped.
"I've been thinking... There's tons of goddesses lining up to marry me." Zeus shot back and Hera glared.
"Fine." Hera stormed out to help the goddess of love with love problems.

Overall
Again, I feel this chapter has something lacking. You need to take time and really explain each character, you seem to be rushing through it. And remember, these are Gods and Goddesses, they wouldn't exactly say "yeah" because they, well most of them, are more refined then that.
But overall, this was a nice piece.
Hope this helps,
Mizz