In The Dark - Chapter 4

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In The Dark - Chapter 4

Anzhela had an arrogant, smirk printed on her face. She was looking straight into my eyes, as if she was seeing something in them.

I felt defeated. My friends have turned against me, my family was surrounded by deadly dark creatures, and I was the reason for that. It's all my fault. Why was I born? I started to thing about what Anzhela said '...your birth was a mistake...' what if she's right. If I died maybe they would leave, my family (even when they're not my actual family) alone.

I wasn't angry at my adoptive parents, for not telling me the truth. I was grateful to them, for loving me as their real daughter. For not leaving me out on a street.

"So where are my real parents?" I asked Anzhela.

"Your bloody mother is dead now, she was dirty blooded as well as you are. You're father is Aleja the oldest and most powerful vampire on earth, he wants you dead." She answered, still looking into my eyes, she hasn't blinked yet.

My real mother is dead. I didn't feel any pain, I didn't know her, I just felt sad, I would want to know her, ask her why she left me with this family, Why did she not want me?

My biological father, I never saw but heard in my mind, wants me dead. He's the most powerful creature on earth and he thinks I'm a problem for him? How could I be, I'm week, I'm not as powerful as he is.

"You my dear don't know how powerful you are" One of the other vampires came up and said. He hasn't spoken yet.

"Oh sorry I didn't introduce Derrel to you, he's you're brother. He's your stepbrother. But he's clean blooded. He's mother was a vampire as well." Anzhela said. Clearly she was the leader of this, group of killers.

"Your own daughter,
Your own flesh and blood,
Will overpower you,
She will over throw you.
She will be dirty blooded,
If you don't kill her,
On her seventeenth birthday,
She will become one of us,
That will be your end Aleja.
Mark my words,
She will become the leader of us..."
Darrel recited with closed eyes.

"That was what a fortune teller told Aleja twenty years ago. It is to become true, and so you must die Zoey Hawthorne, you must die on this very night, under the same full moon, as you were born." Bibiana said. Kate and Holy were giggling behind her. Well I didn't find it funny.

Warm tears were falling down my face. I didn't want to die yet. I want my life back, with my family. I want everything to be normal again.
Anzhela took out and old sward. I kept starring at it. I will fight until the end. In my head it sounded brave. But I knew I couldn't defeat vampires.

"Valde Aleja, is ea id abunde, nam tu...Excessum...Excessum..." Anzhela was speaking in a different language. It wasn't Russian, it was something else, like Latin or Italian, I'm not sure. But I knew what Excessum meant, it means 'death'.

"Excessum...Excessum...Excessum...Excessum...Excessum...Excessum...Excessum..." Bibiana, Derrel, Kate, Holy and Anzhela where repeating, their voices were getting louder and louder. I kept my eyes on the sword that Anzhela was holding. Then I notice that Lucas was quiet, he didn't join in with the others, he just kept holding my hands behind my back.

All the other vampires, except Lucas, were gathering around dad, who was lying on the floor, but started to move.

"Excessum...Excessum...Excessum...Excessum..." They kept saying, louder and quicker every time. My breathing quickened, and my heart was beating like crazy. I didn't like the way they were all around dad, with Anzhela holding a sword. No they can't kill dad, he's not the one their here for.

Anzhela brought the sword above her head, and with a quick movement she stock it right through dads heart. His blood was rushing out of his body. I screamed, as if they killed a part of me. Twins started to cry, mum hugged the with closed eyes.

"No! Why did you do it? Stop it stop it, leave them alone, kill me, not them." I screamed hysterically. I knew that I couldn't help dad anymore. I tried to get out of Lucases strong grip but a couldn't. I tried to hit him, somehow hurt him, but he was like made out of a stone. Worm tears were streaming down my face. I didn't want to stop them. I wanted to let all the pain out of me. I can't bare this anymore.

Anzhela turned towards me. She was laughing, all the other vampires joined in, except Lucas, he just stood there like a stone, not letting me go.
"Kate, Holy take the twins back to the car, they will be a good help back at Aleja's place.
Kate and Holy grabbed my blond brothers and disappeared out the door with them, before I could do anything.

"Excessum...Excessum...Excessum...Excessum...Excessum..." They started to repeat again, and again they were saying it louder and quicker every second. I knew what would happen next. They were now surrounding my mother. I was helpless, I couldn't help her, I could just look at her dying, in hands of those brutal creatures. I screamed and scream as loud as I could, tears were welling out of my eyes.

Anzhela stock the sword in mums heart, the blood streaked everywhere. They all laughed and let mum fall lifeless on to the couch. This was the worst thing ever. It's much worse than some kind of a girl problem I thought was horrible.
This was frightening. It was all going to drive me crazy. Those dark creatures that call themselves vampires just brutally killed, my parents right in front of my eyes. And took my brothers away to be slaves, for my biological father, that wants me to be dead.


Sorry guy's I know it's a little bit short, I will add something to it maybe later
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe




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Awww that's so sad poor Zoey. and what's up with Lucas? Does he like her or something??? O I can't wait for the next chapter, update me when you have it posted!!

you rock my socks!!! :elephant:




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Soo good! Maybe Lucas helps her escape? IDK...=P This is very interesting, can't wait for the next part! Had a suggestion...HAD a suggestion, lost it. LOL XD XP OH! FOUND IT! *waves suggestion in air like she found winning lotto ticket* Let's see... and my suggestion was...

If it ays she can overpower her dad, the most powerful vampire on earth, then maybe her vampire powers start kicking in and she beats these vampires up! XD

It sounds so...original...so...not right. IDK, just a suggestion.

Keep. It. Up! PM me when next part comes up? Thanks!

~Huggies,
Rose
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a rock star or an opera diva.


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Hey there! Esther Sylvester here to review. I will be reviewing this story as well as the fifth chapter. Here I go!

First off

Mmkay, this kept my attention all the way to the end, which is good. I haven't read the chapters before this, but I have a good idea of what is going on. The plot seems very interesting so far. I haven't brought myself to like the MC yet, but that's fine. There are grammatical mistakes here, which ought to be fixed for the better of the story. Some things just didn't work. Don't worry, they aren't BIG things! Onto nitpicks...

Nitpicks

Red= negative points

I wasn't angry at my adoptive parents, for not telling me the truth.


You don't need a comma here, sweetie. You seem to put unnecessary commas in sentences a lot in this chapter.


" Your father Aleja the oldest and most powerful vampire on earth, he wants you dead."


Put a comma in between "father", and "Aleja". Get rid of the "he".

"Oh sorry I didn't introduce Derrel to you, he's you're brother. He's your stepbrother. But he's clean blooded. He's mother was a vampire as well." Anzhela said. Clearly she was the leader of this, group of killers.


Change "he's", to "his".

Worm tears were streaming down my face. I didn't want to stop them. I wanted to let all the pain out of me. I can't bare this anymore.


That could have been a good description, but unfortunately it didn't work out. I am thinking that worms are crying on the MC's face. Perhaps something like "worm-like" instead of just "worm".

There are a lot of issues like this, but a lot of them can be avoided if you put it through a spell checker or even just give it a solid go through before you post it.

Flow of story

I commend you on the flow here. It went very nicely. Some little sentences were not needed, and the comma use slowed it down. However, the plot was very good. I felt the MC's pain, which is hard to accomplish.

OVERALL

This is pretty good! I am eager to know what is going to happen next. Work on your comma use and give your draft a run through before you post it. Just a simple revise before you post can get rid of a lot of errors and make it more enjoyable to read. Work on making the sentences less redundant. I didn't say this before, but you say that the protagonist is crying a lot. I get that she is weeping and sad, but try to make it so that you aren't just saying, "tears were spilling down my face in thick streams" over and over again. Good luck! Looking for the next chapter...
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Thank you so much for Private messaging me and posting more! I don't want to miss a single thing of this amazing story!n I love your creativity and your talent to weave such an enchanting - and frightening - tale. You have amazing talent and a great imagination! keep on writing! -lily <3
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dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




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To put it bluntly, this chapter bored me. Why would they tell Zoe she had the power to bring about her father's downfall? Why would they tell her anything? Why did they kill her parents before they killed her? Basically, this entire chapter doesn't make logical sense because, again, the character's motives aren't clear. Since this is told from Zoe's point of view, she should be coming up with some reasons she thinks the vampires are acting the way they're acting that seem plausible to her, even though they may not be correct. Right now, the vampires seem just to be acting for the evilness of it, and seems that's a very flat and opposite of terrifying reason to me.

Another thing that jumped out at me was her parents' senseless deaths. Again, it all hinges on the vampire's motives. If you have two of the vampires discussing what to do with the humans (kill them or take them as slaves), then it would make more sense. Right now, it strikes me as a cheap way to gain reader sympathy for Zoe while giving her a reason to angst when convenient.

So yeah. I don't feel anything for the characters. I don't feel any suspense or sense of horror. All I feel is boredom (and annoyance at all the grammar and spelling errors).
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