In The Company of a Vampire: Chp 1 Prt 2/3

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BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Alice Night shot straight up in her bed, her breathing heavy and her red and blue pajamas stuck to skin with sweat. She pressed the snooze button on her alarm ending its infernal beeping. Wipping the sleep from her eyes and forcing herself to get off of her comfortable warmth of her bed. The last couple of days had been hectic with the death and funeral of her twin sister, Naomi, a couple weeks ago and then the sudden death of Selene last night.

Alice wasn't as close to the girl as her sister was, but it was still shocking. She had been found in an alleyway in Hermes alongside her Jake who was sobbing for a change when the police had finally reached. The only odd part of it all was that all of Selene's blood had been drained from her body and the only mark that they found were two tiny holes upon her body, not even visible to the human eye.

Looking over at her nightstand, her clock blinked four o'clock PM. She had slept most of the day. Stretching her aching stiff muscles she went into her bathroom and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her skin was paler, her face exhausted , her green eyes glassy almost lifeless and her auburn hair a spiraled in all directions. In other words she looked like mess.

Washing her face and completing other bathroom duties she emerged from bathroom this time wearing orange and black tiger print Pajamas, nonchalently walking around the apartment she couldn't help but stop by the door frame of Naomi's old room. The bed was perfectly made with white bed sheets and hadn't been slept on since her sister died, everything was right in its place where her sister had left it. This was where she had spent her last moments on Earth.

**************************

"If I'm going to die, I don't want it to be in a hospital bed," while eavesdropping she remember what her sister had said to the doctors who were already up to their ears trying to sort things out with her stubborn sister. After that Alice tried to make the rest of the day as perfect as can be for her sister. They had went out with a few of their friends shopping for new clothes and for the first time in months her sister looked truly happy.

Yet the next day her world came crashing down. Completing her usual routine of brushing the teeth, showering and dressing, Alice made her way toward the kitchen for her daily orange juice. Upon entering the kitchen immediately she sensed something was horribly wrong. Naomi wasn't up yet! Even when she hardly had the strength to get out of bed she was always in the kitchen cooking up something delicious. Back tracking her way to her sisters room she opened the door slightly. At ifrst glance Naomi looked peacefully asleep yet deep down Alice knew something was wrong.

"Nai," She walked over to her sisters bedside, tears already forming in the corners of her eyes."Nai!" This time she called a little louder. No response came. Gently she stroked her sisters cheek, it was as cold as ice. Panic struck her, she prayed that what was happening wasn't what it seemed to be right now. Picking up her hand she checked for a pulse. Nothing.

After that she broke down and cried for hours before she gathered enough courage to dial her grandmother trying not to cry while she told her of Naomi's death. The old woman was silent for five minutes before she told Alice she would be right over. Dropping the receiver noisily on the phone itself Alice collapsed on the floor, her hair tangling around her stark white face as tears forced themselves from the death grip she had on them. Alice had forgotten everything after that; even who had picked her up and placed her in her grandmothers Bentley.

They kept the funeral on a Friday- a full two weeks after Naomi's death- it was a good turn out; she had invited everyone at the university that they attended together and no one wore black instead at Alice reaquest they wore Naiomi's favorite color: blue. Everyone was on the verge of tears, except for Alice, she had no need to cry now her tear ducts were all had dried up now. Her eyes were red-rimmed with depression and sleep dep. It took her grandmother a full week to let her return home by herself after that day.

*************************

Pushing herself away from the room, Alice made beeline for the small kitchen, grabbing a bottle of orange juice from her fridge and settling on a stool around the counter where her voicemail was located. 101 messages had been recorded. Breaking the seal of the bottle, she pressed the red-glowing button.

After listening to the first dozen- which were people paying their respects to her dear sister and wondering if she had heard about Selene's death yet- Alice soon got disgusted with them and erased the rest.

A loud knock echoed throughout her apartment from the front door. Slipping from the stool she made her way to the entrance. She had guessesd it would most likely be her grandmother come to check on her. Twisting the lock and turning the knob, Alice opened the door, but instead of meeting the gaze of a frail elderly old woman she met the smiling grey eyes of a girl no older then her.

"Happy B-day Alice," the girl hugged her.

"What are you doing here Megan?" was her dry response.

The girl extracted herself from her and looked Alice in the eyes ," its your birthday duh." Megan moved into the apartment and made herself confortable on the couch.

"I know that Meg," she replied. Today marked her and her twin sisters twenty-first birthday."I'm not celebrating it this year. It's no fun without Nai," the last part came out as a weak whisper.

"Well, Naomi wouldn't want you to mope around here all day. She'd want you to be happy. Come on, me and LeeAnn were planning a surprise party."

"No, I'm not going anywhere," Alice folded her arms across her chest," and that's final."

"Oh, yes you are. Even if I have to tie you up and carry you myself," Megan threatened."Me and LeeAnn didn't go through all of this for you not to come. Were going to this new club called SOULLESS. Ya' know where it is right?"

" Yea'....but---."

Megan straightened her legs to stand, "---No buts Alice. You're coming whether you like it or not." She interrupted. Walking past Alice she stopped by the entrance." Be there at ten and wear something nice, please." She added before disappearing down the corridor of the building.

Alice let out an audible sigh.
Last edited by curiousvampire on Tue Apr 20, 2010 5:23 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."




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:wink: Hey, I totaly love this chapter. I read the prologue and the first chapter part 1 aswell. I like the plot of the story, it's all realy interesting and makes you want to read more. Megan seems a realy happy person, it's nice of her friends to make a party for her, it's going to make Alice better. :smt001
I can't wait for the next chapter.
Could you PM me when it comes out? :wink:
Thanks:)
Ikafe :P
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe




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Hey,

Is this book1? If no, ignore. If yes - I don't particularly like the chapter/book-in-general starting off with two deaths of people clearly clsoe to the protagonist's heart, but compromising clumps of letters forming words to the reader. See, the MC might care, but we don't yet care about the MC, so how can we possibly care about someone who the MC might care?

It doesn't go off that well. No fireworks. I'm like - yeah, ok. And it's her sister! Her friend! Perhaps introduce them gradually (sure, keep appearances to minimum - maybe they can die in the same chapter), make the reader care. When you're sure that their death will draw any sort of reaction out of a reader, kill them.

Deaths that don't mean anything aren't really deaths. Cutting through a paper-doll, does it reek of murder? No. We get this (tragic? ha) info, and then move on to completing bathroom duties.

My general impression is tht you rushed, rushed terribly. Slow down, take a deep breath. There's time. I'm hazarding a guess: this is a novel? There are chapters. You have room to manuever. Use this room!

First paragraph - beginning sentences. She, she, she. Makes reading tedious, constant repetitions. Another little tiny thing: implied, replied. That almost rhymes (eek, poetry). Not every dialogue sentence needs a tag to exist. Hovering ones are fine!

So, which is it? Growl? Sigh?

Slow dooooown,
Esme




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Hey curiousvamprie!

Glad you finally got it up, it was really good. Though I'm sort of counfused... I was to lazy to reread the prolouge and part 1... :| Anyways, I thought the beginning was the vampire dude makingthe girl his queen... but this is about Alice and her twin sister's death,right? Please PM me and explain! (Lol that last part sort of sounded like a mad mother XD) Still a great story though!

~Hugs,
Rose :elephant:
If you're mad at someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either
a rock star or an opera diva.


:3 ROSE WUZ HERE :3




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Hi curiousvampire. This chapter was a disappointment. I am just wondering how come no one else noticed the ton of grammatical mistakes filling your chapter. Straight to the nit-picks:

Portersrose wrote: Anyways, I thought the beginning was the vampire dude makingthe girl his queen... but this is about Alice and her twin sister's death,right? Please PM me and explain!
I am also confused and I fully agree with Rose.

The last couple of days had been hectic with the death and funeral of her twin sister, Naomi, a couple weeks ago and then the sudden death of Selene last night.


She had been found in an alleyway in Hermes alongside her Jake who was sobbing for a change when the police had finally reached.


Looking over at her nightstand, her clock blinked six o'clock PM.


Stretching her aching stiff muscles she wondered why wonder? in her bathroom and stared at her reflection in the mirror.


Washing her face and completing other bathroom duties she emerged from bathroom this time wearing orange and black tiger print Pajamas as she wondered again wonder? Why? around the house she couldn't help but stop by door frame of Naomi's old room.


The bed was perfectly made with white bed sheets and hadn't been slept on since her sister died, everything was in its place, right(just a suggestion!) where her sister had left.


"If I'm going to die, I don't want it to be in a hospital bed," while eavesdropping she remember what her sister had said to the doctors thatwho wrer were already up to their ears trying to sort things out with her stubborn sister.


Completing her usual routine of brushing herdon't repeat her again and again the teeth, showering and dressing,join the sentences Alice made her way toward the kitchen for her daily orange juice


Dropping the receiver noisily on the phone itself Alice collapsed on the floor, her hair tangling on the around her stark white face as tears forced themselves from the death grip she had on them.


She had forgotten everything after that; even who had picked her up and placed her in her grandmother's Bentley.


They kept the funeral on a Friday- a full two weeks after Naomi's death- it was a good turn out; she had invited everyone at the college they attended.


Everyone was on the verge of tears. Alice had no need to cry now, her tear ducts all had dried up.

In the above quoted para you are missing one word making it sound a raw piece without any past of grammar.

"What are you doing here Megan? " was her dry response.


Today marked her and her twin sister's twenty-first.no full-stop needed birthday


Come on, me and LeeAnn was were planning a surprise party."


The story as I have mentioned before is more impressive but the writing disappoints.

There were couple of things I wanted to say but didn't before but now i can't stop myself:
1. Your grammar is horrendous (sorry for using such a harsh word). You need to focus a lot on grammar dear. Comma, full-stops just seem to be your weak point.

2. Maybe that's because you are posting chapters so quickly and not proof reading it twice. You should give readers some time to read your chapter, pin point the mistakes. You can keep writing on your PC or laptop and pot it when you think its completely ready. Never post it if you are not satisfied yourself.


3. Your obsession with wondering word. I think it should be wandering you should put.

Sorry for being so harsh and cruel but please mend the mistakes. That would make this piece more good. No problem with the story. Loving it! :D
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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