i like it. its nice. just it sometimes in some parts sound like a list "He did this" "I went there" I had that problem too, but you have it way less than I did, it's only in SOME parts! I love this because it doesn't right away start with a romance that had anything to do with the MC. I like the description that you wrote, it was nice that I could imagine the way you wrote it. I love it, keep on writing! Nike
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek
Once again, another good piece. I can always rely on you to write something solid, C. It flowed very nicely, never getting to detailed but giving the reader an excellent image as to what is going on. I like the main character so far and her worries. And most of all, I love Fleur! I hope Fleur doesn't die from obesity though...
I'm going to say that maybe you could have lowered the use of italics. Not when she is thinking, but when she is doing things or commenting on her surroundings. A few are nice, but when you have to many it disrupts the flow for me. I can't really criticize your sentences though, because they all make sense! Bravo. Can't wait for more!
hello, esther! to tell you the truth, i was wondering if i did italicize a lot, and i wasn't sure. glad someone pointed it out for me, because i probably would've kept doing it! i've revised it a bit, and hope it looks a little better than before. thanks for the review/advice to both you and nike!
I liked this. It was new, and it didn't make me want to hit the back button and pick another story. Your first line wasn't as good as it could have been, but it pulled me in because those words, "You have one new message," make me smile. Of course, that may be just me, so you might consider making your first line about the message.
Overall, I thought it was a good begining, and I'm looking forward to more. PM me with the next chapter!
-youreit
I smile, because I'd rather have laugh lines than a perma frown.
These were autumn mornings, the time of year when kings of old went forth to conquest; and I, never stirring from my little corner in Calcutta, would let my mind wander over the whole world. — Rabindranath Tagore, The Cabuliwallah
