Why?

Who was the first one to ever ask
Why?
The first mortal the question or doubt?
Whoever he was, was a fool
Or incredibly adept, but how should I know?

Was he perhaps
A philosophical scholar
So caught up in his own intents
That he forsook the world
To listen to his own intentions?
And then, looking back
He sees himself, and all that loved him
And wonders
Why?

Was it perhaps
A greedy overlord
Insane with desire for the things
Which were not his, nor ever meant to be
But hungered after them
Nonetheless?
Then, gazing hopelessly upon the hourglass
Sees time has passed him by
And wonders
Why?

Was it perhaps
The simple beggar
No different from you or I,
Who looked on his life of humble servitude,
And compared his to the life of a king?
He then regards his rags and dismally wonders
Why?

Perhaps...
Perhaps I was wrong in thinking
That all who want answers are fools
For I realized myself the question
And the answer too
Of something all men do wonder
In their own contrivance.

Why
Do we wonder
Why?

I must say... this is good I don't have anything to ask or critique you on as you have already done everything possible to it. I love the piece and all of your description. Good job and keep writing. Tell me when you post something else up.

Love,
Fixed

I feel that with each stanza the poem got stronger, for it felt rather weak in the beginning. Once I realized that you weren't trying to rhyme, the whole thing was a bit more enjoyable. The meter wasn't fully consistent, but it was tolerable. And of course, the theme was interesting: how did philosophy begin?

Onto little tweaks. Second to last stanza you use the word "contrivance"; I don't object to the word in relation to the poem except that it's unwieldy to read. The syllables are a little heavy... pick something else or continue messing with the syntax.

Overall, decent. See you around.

–antimelrose

I think this poem would be much more interesting if you were more confident in the why. By that I mean take out the maybe and perhaps and instead tell us. Tell us why the human race is constantly searching for the reason why. Make it up but make it interesting. Give us something tangible to relate to. If you're confident in why, than we will be as well.

Hi papersolstice,

I am shocked that this sorry thing got five stars and is featured. Of course, is not your fault, but do know that apparently the reflections of most YWSers around here means nothing. They're impressed by clown tricks, bottom-level grub from the teenage angst bin.

It's obnoxious and bland from start to finish. You ask some "deep" philosophical questions and back them up with... nothing. Just words and more words. You give us some throwaway examples - textbook cases of not being able to actually look into the question and simply skimming the surface - and then wrap it up with another vague question. No catharsis. No satisfaction. Not even the satisfaction of not having a satisfaction, as I've seen some other poems do.

papersolstice wrote:Who was the first one to ever ask
Why?
The first mortal the question or doubt?
Whoever he was, was a fool
Or incredibly adept, but how should I know?

The first one is old; "why" has been the most used and most cliched question ever since Socrates bothered his fellow citizens at the town market. You're doing no favors for the reader by introducing this piece with a phrase that looks like it came from your Philosophy 101 class.

The second question doesn't even make sense in syntax. Read it to yourself.

The third and fourth lines are meaningless in the context. (You do bring up the notion of the fool later on, but you jump straight from point A to point B without any overlap, and in this case overlap is sorely needed.)

Was he perhaps
A philosophical scholar
So caught up in his own intents
That he forsook the world
To listen to his own intentions?
And then, looking back
He sees himself, and all that loved him
And wonders
Why?

Sounds a lot like this poem. And why should the reader care about this philosopher? You haven't given us a universal constant, a Sun around which our appetites and fears can revolve in unison so we know what you're talking about. This is just... an example. It's like you're writing an essay for some reason instead of a poem.

Was it perhaps
A greedy overlord
Insane with desire for the things
Which were not his, nor ever meant to be
But hungered after them
Nonetheless?
Then, gazing hopelessly upon the hourglass
Sees time has passed him by
And wonders
Why?

This gives almost exactly the same message as the first example. What's your point?

Was it perhaps
The simple beggar
No different from you or I,
Who looked on his life of humble servitude,
And compared his to the life of a king?
He then regards his rags and dismally wonders
Why?

Now you present us with some other example but in the process, leave us hanging. So you're telling the reader that the most prominent meanings of "why" are "Why did I waste my life" and "Why don't I have money"? That's incredibly shallow and shows through.

Perhaps...
Perhaps I was wrong in thinking
That all who want answers are fools
For I realized myself the question
And the answer too
Of something all men do wonder
In their own contrivance.

Why
Do we wonder
Why?

So your suggestion is to not ask in the first place. Either that, or you're simply asking a non-rhetorical question without any path to where it leads. I think it's the former, but this piece was so long and tedious that it was hard to keep track of what you were saying.

In addition, the imagery desperately needs reviving. I didn't count any image in here. None. That's a first for a poem; usually they try to make up some foggy picture of bleeding hearts or heads in clouds. You need to go back and force yourself to relate to the audience. Metaphor. Tangible to intangible and back again. What can you compare these ideas to? How can you make sure that no matter who's reading this piece, he can envision your concepts using a common medium taken from the common denominator of life? By no means am I telling you to dumb this down; rather start from the basics and work your way up to the crescendo.

In general, this piece is blind and going nowhere. Put it away in your recycle folder and start fresh.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hey papersolstice!

I think this poem has a lot of potential. I do see where you're going with this. What this lacks is originality. "Why" is indeed a cliche and overdone theme. But, that does not mean we should keep away from it. We have to personalize it, shine a newer, fresher light on this worn theme. Make it more original, creative! Help us see things in a new way. The examples you gave in this poem, of the scholar, the overlord and the beggar do carry potential. But you did not make them original. You need to use more imagery, to add more weight and mood to it. I'm very curious about the beggar. Describe him. Describe the overlord. At the moment this poem is too preachy. I want more story, more imagery and description in it.

I don't mean to discourage you(and I'm sure Galerius didn't either). Personally, I do understand what you're trying to tell us, but the problem is that you're telling us, not showing us. I enjoy philosophical poems, but this poem is attempting too hard at tyring to seem philosophical, than honestly bringing forth questions and ideas that will really make me pause and think. But I think you can do that. You're on the right track. ^.^ Tackle the topic with more honesty. Don't distance yourself too much. Keep it passionate, creative and original. Show us exactly how you see it, because everyone sees things differently.

For example, rather than telling us the characters wonder why, why don't you let us wonder why by showing their details, their personalities, problems, the mood, and let us ponder and wonder why. Make the whole theme of "why" more subtle. I hope that makes sense.

Like I said, this has a lot potential, and I think you can really make this poem into something great. Good luck!

Hi, Papersolstice!
I liked your poem. The very idea of it is interesting, why do we ask why? But, at the same time, I believe that Galerious is right. Well, not totally. I think that he is spot on when he says you need more visualisation in your poem. You tell us everything, not show us. To me, what really makes a poem is when I can visualize what is happening. For yours, well, it was like I was reading a poem where I had to create my own image of what I saw. That is a bad sign in a poem.
Add more visualisation and it will be altogether better.