Young Writers Society

Ugly,
a girl walks by.

Long nose sloping far south like it's
searching for a way out.

But she smiles as if the world is-
good.

And people like me aren't so-
"thoughtful".

Which is beautiful...
so I leave.

(flawed thoughts feeling so much more obvious)


---
I've been writing down my ugliest thoughts lately,. :/

Good flow, especially in the beginning. I'm not sure you're aware, but your poem lines follow a pattern of syllables like this: 2, 4, 8, 6, 8, 1, 7, 1, 3, 5, 3.It's kind of interesting, and kind of pointless of me to point that out, but, nevertheless, I think you are sounding this in your head when you write, which is always good.

Long nose sloping far south like it's.

This is a beautiful image (yeah, even though the girl's ugly)- long nose sloping far south - it reminds me of quite a few people I know. I'd suggest getting rid of the comma at the end of that sentence - it doesn't look right, it doesn't feel right. The fact that you break your line down to the next is enough to signal a pause to use, and to make the next bit count.

I don't think you should use the word 'beautiful' and 'ugly' in the same poem, when it is short as this. And, for some reason, those bolded words are rubbing me the wrong way. You don't need to over-emphasise them - the fact that they are the only one-word-lines is enough. Oh, and a question - where does your poem end? I can't really tell - if it ends on 'so I leave' - that's not really a bang, and so think about more entertaining ways than simply giving up and walking away. If you end on the line in brackets, then (I'm super tired now, so this may be why it's just kind of blurring around) I don't understand what it is saying, in the context of the rest of the poem.

To write poems like this, every line and every word has to count, because it's this short. Whether you write a longer or a shorter line really makes no difference - it's like a tiny chocolate - we kind of want to savour each tiny bite for as long as possible, so we eat real slowly and think about each phrase (whoops, there goes the chocolate analogy). So...when editing, just think about it - you don't need it to make a huge impact by doing anything other than using interesting vocab and imagery, and taking care to keep it simple and subtle. It WILL count. You'll see

Sometime's writing about the ugliest things is the hardest. And I agree with Navita...every single word must be placed precisely because this poem is short and every line counts. The line "a girl walks by is weak" but the description of her nose is strong! Describe her smile in another way than saying that it's good. Give me a physical description so that I can have something to connect with!