Day Light Stars

Chapter 1: Escape from the Castle:

There is a war in our land Day Light Stars which is said to be one of the most beautiful places ever created by our God. But not any more. Those savage wolves have destroyed our beautiful green trees, dried up our clear blue waters and contaminated our airs. But my father Carslile Mayson and mother Selena Mayson, king and queen of vampires, and our land are doing all in their power to protect my twin sister Holly Mayson and me Taylor Mayson; heirs to the throne. But I don't think that's happening any time soon. My mother knew that the hatred between vampires and werewolves would result in a war. She has always said to us that the day we were born we would make a big difference in Day Light Stars. My father has devised a plan to help all of us get safely out of the castle. Months and months have passed and my fathers plan has not worked.

We all heard a big bang. It was the wolves banging on the front door of the castle. You could see the metal door coming closer to us and the titanium screws flying across the room. My father told us to hide in Holly's room until he told us it was safe. We raced down the hall and the blur of paintings swept passed us and i knew i would never get to see the painting of my great grandmother. She had on her favorite purple dress with gold trim and glass shoes.

We ran as fast as we could until I tripped over the red carpet in the hall. Holly came running to help me up and we kept running as fast as we could. We finally got to Holly's room. She quickly jumped on her canopy bed and went under her pink quilt. I, on the other hand, was pacing around the room trying to think. I was running my fingers through my straight red hair. A few minutes later our mother came busting through the door and was screaming:

"Hide, hide. They're coming...RUN!"

We raced down the porcelain staircase with golden rims into the dark cold dungeon where father was waiting for us. He led us to the secret door that led outside. We ran down the dark hallway and opened the metal door. Father looked both ways to make sure there were no wolves around and we all escaped to Dead Drop Hills. the most frighting place in all of Day Light Stars and the only safe place to.

Hello VampireMistress!!!! I'm wookielover17, but you can call me Wookie!! So let me just say: AWESOME!!!! (sorry YWS-ers for the caps) You have an amazing ability to get the reader hooked and want to keep reading more. Usually what comes with this gift/curse is me breathing down your neck to update because I want to read more. So congratulations!!! So yes very interesting. Oh! And I love the big war with the vampire and the wolves! Awesome!!!

Ok now off to the nit-picking!! Don't worry I'm really lazy so I'll keep it short.

There is a war in our land Day Light Stars which is said to be one of the most beautiful places ever created by our God.

Ok so the only thing wrong here is that I'm a little confused. The part wear you say our God it should really be god with out the cap. This is due that it doesn't refer to you know God. Unless you do mean him then it is correct.

But my father Carslile Mayson and mother Selena Mayson, king and queen of vampires, and our land are doing all in their power to protect my twin sister Holly Mayson and me Taylor Mayson; heirs to the throne.

Ok here is that your missing a couple of commas. Every time you mention a name in a sentence you have to out a comma before and after the name, and that the me should be an "I" like this: But my father, Carslile Mayson, and mother ,Selena Mayson, king and queen of vampires, and our land are doing all in their power to protect my twin sister, Holly Mayson, and I, Taylor Mayson; heirs to the throne.

It was the wolves banging on the front door of the castle. You could see the metal door coming closer to us and the titanium screws flying across the room.

Very nice description here!

"Hide, hide. They're coming...RUN!"

The only thing wrong here is the caps, it really ticks people off here. Trust me I know from experience. No but it is against the rules I think so... yeah...

the most frighting place in all of Day Light Stars and the only safe place to.

Here you forgot to capitalize in the beginning, probably just a typo and in the end it should be a too not a to, ok?

SO I hope I helped and I hope I made it clear that I love this story!! Update soon and I'll see you next chapter!!!! Happy writing!!!

Love,
wookielover17

Hey there VampireMistress. Pinkangel here to review.
Just to start out with the beginning didn't grab my attention. And that's exactly what it needs to do otherwise the reader won't really want to read on.
Another thing is that the vampire-werewolf war thing is kinda cliche, and unless you bit your spin on it then your whole story is destined to be a bundle of cliche.
That said I don't really get any feeling from your MC even though it is first person. I would understand the detached writing a bit more if it was third person. So that's something to think about.
When your MC talks about the portrait of the grandmother, it threw me off for a bit. It seemed completely irrelevant, and unless it gets tied in later then I would definitely take it out. Another thing that confused me was I wasn't sure if they were vampires. You may have said it and I didn't catch it, or they are human. If they are human, then the werewolves probably wouldn't be after them, and if they are vampires then that should be made more obvious.
Another thing to work on would be your grammar. I saw a few lowercase I's in there which is very easily fixed.
Hope I helped!
~Danie

This seems like fantasy fiction... not an other. Also, no offence, but the vampires vs. werewolves thing is getting really old and cliche. Vampire hates werewolf. Big war. Family in danger, bla blah blah.
It just seems like atrend these days. Any way. The writing is good, dont get me wrong. If this were any other topic I would love it. Good job. Keep writing.

Biffle

I LOVE YOUR STORY! IS AWESOME! I love how you explain the place is the Day Light Stars. Keep write more.