Holy

`
Holy


A charm was laid upon my face
And ne'er more did the Apostles
Run – Apostle run, Apostle run! And
It was done – I was none of them.
`
I thought I had everything
and – one day lost it all.
I once had the power of light
and now something was wrong.
`
There was a time – when I had the light,
that I did not know how to use it –
I blew it – I couldn't do it.
And now the absence made it clear.
`
Looking back – it was simply a thought
that triggered the light – my might to fight
against the constant evil that tried to
Invade my soul and multiply – but I fought.
`
I fought silently – for the light blinded me
from the darkness around me. Now that
it's gone – I see the evil, hear the
evil – and worst of all –
`
-I've
-Spoken
-Evil.
`
Now I pray to the Apostles in the eastern sky –
Hoping that maybe one will reach down and
testify to my goodness – I'm no Judas – I'm
no Brutus – I'm no killer of my own soul!
`
I pray to Jesus in the sleepless nights:
Fear, pain, and restless fights – now
multiplied by my light-less sight. The
only one to blame is myself. (And I don't know why.)
`
I clutch my cross and close my eyes
and remember everything the last wearer
told me, 'Beware of losing its light.'
I was cautious – I swear I was.
`
I remember using the light to heal
a sick man – and my grandmother.
They both hadn't reached their
time – and I knew it.
`
Those days, I remember visiting the
wicked tree of rid – now forbidden.
(Spiritually locked out) my light mocked
out by my own selfish deed.
`
I tried to use it on myself –
and as normal, I whispered the
word to access it – Saron Rinii.
This time, I shook and writhed.
`
As I watched my light leave to
the sky, my mind's eye saw God
take it – forsake it – and lock it
away. (I tried defying God that moment.)
`
I again whispered after knowing its
impossibility – But I felt invincible.
This time I whispered Judas and
cried. (I truly meant Saron Rinii)
`
That was the first sign of my disappearing
light – I could no longer fight (silently) –
Now I must believe. So I prayed –
I pray – I am praying now.
`
A charm was laid upon my face –
Apostle run, Apostle run!
I was done –
I was none of them.

Okie dokie Johnny Boy you reviewed my poem, I review yours.

Okay, so I am not nitpicky, so you will probably have to get other reviews. Anyways, I thought this was really amazing. It really made me think and I could tell you put emotion in it. I felt the emotions very strongly, even though it is really late and I'm falling asleep! It made me stay awake! And thats a good thing!!! (Seeing that I could sleep anywhere for any amount of time )

Great Job Jonny!

~Forest

Keep Writing!

Let me warn you beforehand that I am not a strong poet. Anyways, let's get started!

FIRST GLANCE
I can really feel the pain, because your phrasing and your word choice really echoes the struggle with religion. You talk about "Judas", "the light" and other religious topics. It was a beautiful poem.

AWKWARDNESS...
As I read it through twice, I noticed several jarring places that was because of this symbol: "-". That could be emphasized much more better with a tab or several spaces. Also, although the word choice is good as a whole, you make some fancy phrases that could be scaled down to the bones for maximum impact.

I'm kind of lost here, to be honest. I can't think of anything else to say, so I'm gonna end it here.

You have a beautiful poem, but it just needs polishing and stripping. Make good choices and this should be a masterpiece.

Jon,

I've been reading a lot of classic American poets, like T.S Elliot, e. e. cummings, and others that one would commonly find in a schoolbook anthology. I find that your style most reminds me of Emily Dickinson and Walk Whitman, because they had a way of presenting their ideas in simple ways that are much different from the way that modern poets convey their thoughts to us today. I find it interesting, though, and even while I really enjoy their work, it takes concentration for me to understand the metaphorical images that Dickinson used throughout her work. They can be taken literal, but more often than not, there's a further message that lies within the lines between the words.

I receive the same in your poetry; you are a poet who uses rhyme to create the tone that your poems carry which is often upbeat, dramatic and heavy influenced by supernatural or unseen existence. It's a trait that I like in your work, despite that I've told you time after time that rhyme doesn't need to carry everything you write. I've realized that rhyme is what you do best, though, and to each their own.


I would further recommend that in your sustaining of rhyme, you should keep the information together; for example, in the first stanza, you have:

A charm was laid upon my face
And ne'er more did the Apostles
Run – Apostle run, Apostle run! And
It was done – I was none of them.

And, I dislike the placing of "Run" on the line following. The break is awkward, mostly comes off as unnecessary, and displaces the rhythmic flow herein. I would also suggest dropping addition bits of words like "of them" here, because I like the sound of "I was none". However, I cannot say that my understanding of this is complete, so I leave it to you to decide.

I would advise you to limit your use of dashes and hyphens, Jon. They break suddenly, when I assume that the pause you'd need would be a comma. To get us to a full stop, show the period, but if you want to stop and abruptly switch tracks, take a chance with a dash. Punctuation is very specific here, and implies what isn't written.

My last preachy piece would be to cut back on the narrative I's. "I remember", "I thought", and the likes all rain tediously on your audience and this was approached from a less imposing perspective, one that didn't involve the narrator's mind that much. Brining the narrator's mind into narrative picture detracts from the quality of the words you're versing.

June

Hey Jon!

I like this poem. I like the rhythm it carries, and the thought provoking images. I also like the ambiguity in it. I feel I haven't fully grasped an understanding of this poem, but I enjoy mulling over it. However, I'm not sure if you want to make this poem more accessible to your readers or not.

I thought I had everything
and – one day lost it all.
I once had the power of light
and now something was wrong.

I dislike this a lot. It seems like a failed attempt at suspense. Avoid using such common place phrases. The phrase also annoys me because it only says "something" it doesn't tell me what exactly (even though you do outline what went wrong through out the poem). While I do want to know what went wrong it's more out of irritation than intrigue. You need to hook us more subtly and slyly.

There was a time – when I had the light,
that I did not know how to use it –
I blew it – I couldn't do it.
And now the absence made it clear.

The underlined "it" seems unnecessary to me.

I didn't have too much of a problem with the hyphens, rather I thought they added greatly to the rhythm of the poem. There were, however a few places where I thought they were used unnecessarily or incorrectly. For example:

I remember using the light to heal
a sick man – and my grandmother.
They both hadn't reached their
time – and I knew it.

I don't like the use of the hyphen there.

Overall, I really like this poem. I feel I've only grasped about seventy percent of this poem. But I enjoy the ambiguity. So I wouldn't want you to change it. I dislike being spoon fed.

I tried to use it on myself –
and as normal, I whispered the
word to access it – Saron Rinii.
This time, I shook and writhed.

I like the way Saron Rinii feels on my tongue.

As I watched my light leave to
the sky, my mind's eye saw God
take it – forsake it – and lock it
away. (I tried defying God that moment.)

I just love the image this stanza conjures, of God taking it, forsaking it, and locking it up.

I really liked the poem and I hope I was helpful. ^.^ Keep writing!

Thanks, guys! I'm going to try and tweak it a little without changing the idea, as you seem to like it.

Thanks,
Jon