The Lost Stranger

The girl takes steps very slowly and looks all around her. She knows she isn't safe here. Her scars are there to prove it. "This is a savage planet." she thinks to herself. She's only so young but so lost. That's how she got here in the first place. Getting lost. She was the most curious child out of her siblings. The most adventurous too. She was the leader. The one with the plan. She always knew what to say. But tonight, there was no one to lead, no plan in her head, and she could barely speak a word.
Her bright green eyes swell up with tears. She misses her family and friends. She misses her home. She misses her safety. She misses her home. A sob breaks out of her lips. Then she stops crying immediately. She feels eyes pressing down on her.
Somebody is here..
Adrenaline starts. She becomes anxious and terrified. Is this another beast? Or just another harmless creature? To answer her question she turns around inch by inch.
She becomes stiff when she sees a slight movement in the trees. Should she stay and fight or just run away?
She takes a deep breath and as cleary and loudly as she can, she says, "Show yourself!"
Two bright purple eyes come out of the tree. She just about screamed but instead she says with more confidence, "What are you?".
The creature decides to show its face. It has bright purple eyes and black fur. Its lips formed a sinister smile. Its teeth were in layers like a shark and its nose was just two holes. Its ears were short but you could tell it could hear just about anything.
Its appearence fightened the girl. "W-what do you want?" she says, less confident.
All the creature does is stare at the girl a bit longer, then disappears in the darkness.
The girl doesn't waste another second. She spins around and sprints away. She dosen't let the burning in her lungs, or the ache in her legs stop her.
After a few hours her skinny legs give up on her and she falls to the floor. She crawls to the nearest tree, then rests.
The tired girl needs water. She looks around for some source of water. None can be seen. She just decides to fix her dark black hair and take all the leaves out of it, cleans herself up a bit, then heads off into the deathly forest.
It's not long before she falls again. Her throat is dry and she's sweating everywhere. Food is also another need. She can't hunt because she has no weapon and it's not like food is coming out of no where.
She begins to weep knowing this is how she's going to die.. From no water or eaten by beasts.
She cries until dawn when she hears the snap of a twig. She's completely alert but not sure exactly what to do.
She hears the growl of the beast. Fear enters her and she's shaking. But she does her best not to let it show as the beast comes slowly out of the darkness..

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Yeah, I tried making a story for a change. Do you think I'm good? Or should I just stick to poetry? You opinion means a lot!

Ooh! This is good! Just the kind of fiction that I like! I do hope you write more! Definite promise, really definite!

Now.... on to the nitpicks:

The girl takes steps very slowy and looks all around her.

Slowly, I think you mean... sorry, I just despise spelling mistakes.

The most adverterous too.

Adverterous?? Do you mean adventurous?

Its teeth were in layers like a shark and its nose was just two wholes.

This should be holes.

Its lips formed a sinister smile. Its teeth were in layers like a shark and its nose was just two wholes. Its ears were short but you could tell it could hear just about anything.

Since this shows possession, it should be "it's" with an apostrophe 's.

The girl dosen't waste another second.

Doesn't, I believe you meant.

She runs and never stops.

Never I think is too strong a word.... if she never stops, then wouldn't she run until she dies of exhaustion or something? I suggest revising that.

neaty up a bit, then heads off into the deathly forest.

"Neaty"? What on earth does that mean? Please revise that.

All-in-all, good start! I hope for more soon!
~LordLoredaen

Sorry to be the voice of contradiction Loredean, but "its" in its possessive form does not have an apostrophe. Only if it is a contraction for "it is" will it have an apostrophe.

Hello!

One thing that I notice – a lot of sentences start out with a pronoun, „she”. This makes the most interesting and colorful baloon deflate, because writing becomes repeatable. „She” does this, „she” does that. It's a set pattern and on this pattern, rather than on the plot, focuses the reader. If one sees a word too many times, one focuses on the letters it's made up of, not on the word's meaning! So basically I read, and only see: „she”.

Sentence variation! This is an exiting piece, things happen, terrible things happen – variation would pick up the pace and enchance that Also, there are so many different way of passing along one piece of info. Someone here on YWS has in his/her signature a superb quote: Don't tell me that the moon is shining – show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Quote:
The tired girl needs water.
So this def tells us to pity the poor girl, tells us about her condion and generally helps the reader better relate to her. But think: how could you show the very same picture? How would her mouth, tongue feel like? How does someone who needs water very much feel like? How to portray being tired? In general more descriptions would be good, I think – maybe that's poetry residue, few words for something that usually would like more. Eek!

The title is - „The Lost Stranger”, and I think a wonderful job was done here. The reader can very well relate to that poor girl. We know what she's feeling (although yeah, I'd like to see it a bit more, too!), where she is, what's frightening her – and us. Purple eyes in the darkness and siblings! One thinks: if she has siblings, she lives and breathes. Nice touch

Hey! Fiction is so much better than poetry! If you have a story to tell and are writing it down in prose, we'd like to keep you, thank you very much.

Stay on the side of light,
Esme

Hey newb who is not as much as a noob as me but is still a newb! I'm BOB! But not really...
So first of, I have seen SO many stories that start with "The *character* blah blah blah". It just seems a little cliche, you see?
This beast type thing sounds very interesting, but you haven't really described it much. In my messed up head it looks like some sort of evil Chesire cat, like the one from Alice in Wonderland. Try working on bigger and more in depth descriptions, but watch you don't drag on with them.
Also, your narrative seems to be switching from 1st to 3rd a lot. Watch that.

Okay first off I loved the title, it left me wondering what exactly the story was about so it practically forced me to press it. Second I love it. It was really good and finally third the only thing I had problems with really was the word "she" . It got annoying. Anyways thank you for the read.

The girl takes steps very slowly and looks all around her. She knows she isn't safe here. Her scars are there to prove it. "This is a savage planet." she thinks to herself. She's only so young but so lost. That's how she got here in the first place. Getting lost. She was the most curious child out of her siblings. The most adventurous, too. She was the leader. The one with the plan. She always knew what to say. But tonight, there was no one to lead, no plan in her head, and she could barely speak a word.
Her bright green eyes swell up with tears. She misses her family and friends. She misses her home. She misses her safety. She misses her home.You already said that-or did you mean it to be like that? A sob breaks out of her lips. Then she stops crying immediately. She feels eyes pressing down on her.
Somebody is here..
Adrenaline starts. She becomes anxious and terrified. Is this another beast? Or just another harmless creature? To answer her question she turns around inch by inch.
She becomes stiff when she sees a slight movement in the trees. Should she stay and fight or just run away?
She takes a deep breath and as cleary and loudly as she can, she says, "Show yourself!"
Two bright purple eyes come out of the tree. She just about screams but instead she says with more confidence, "What are you?".Don't need a period there
The creature decides to show its face. It has bright purple eyes and black fur. Its lips formedform a sinister smile. Its teeth were in layers like a shark and its nose was just two holes. Its ears were short but you could tell it could hear just about anything.You start all these sentences with 'its'. Maybe try to find something else to begin them with so it flows more nicely?
Its appearence fightened the girl. "W-what do you want?" she says, less confident.
All the creature does is stare at the girl a bit longer, then disappears into the darkness.
The girl doesn't waste another second. She spins around and sprints away. She doesn't let the burning in her lungs, or the ache in her legs stop her.
After a few hours her skinny legs give up on her, and she falls to the floor. She crawls to the nearest tree, then rests.
The tired girl needs water. She looks around for some source of water. None can be seen. She just decides to fix her dark black hair and take all the leaves out of it, cleans herself up a bit, then heads off into the deathly forest.
It's not long before she falls again. Her throat is dry and she's sweating everywhere. Food is also another need. She can't hunt because she has no weapon, and it's not like food is coming out of nowhere.
She begins to weep knowing this is how she's going to die.. From no water or eaten by beasts.
She cries until dawn when she hears the snap of a twig. She's completely alert but not sure exactly what to do.
She hears the growl of the beast. Fear enters her and she's shaking. But she does her best not to let it show as the beast comes slowly out of the darkness..

Just a few tense mixups and typos, nothing major. I thought it was really good, and you should definitely continue with storywriting!


Roe

DreamWriter99 wrote:The girl takes steps very slowly and looks all around her. She knows she isn't safe here. Her scars are there to prove it. "This is a savage planet." she thinks to herself. She's only so young but so lost. That's how she got here in the first place. Getting lost. She was the most curious child out of her siblings. The most adventurous too. She was the leader. The one with the plan. She always knew what to say. But tonight, there was no one to lead, no plan in her head, and she could barely speak a word.
Her bright green eyes swell up with tears. She misses her family and friends. She misses her home. She misses her safety. She misses her home. A sob breaks out of her lips. Then she stops crying immediately. She feels eyes pressing down on her.
Somebody is here..
Adrenaline starts. She becomes anxious and terrified. Is this another beast? Or just another harmless creature? To answer her question she turns around inch by inch.
She becomes stiff when she sees a slight movement in the trees. Should she stay and fight or just run away?
She takes a deep breath and as cleary and loudly as she can, she says, "Show yourself!"
Two bright purple eyes come out of the tree. She just about screamed but instead she says with more confidence, "What are you?".
The creature decides to show its face. It has bright purple eyes and black fur. Its lips formed a sinister smile. Its teeth were in layers like a shark and its nose was just two holes. Its ears were short but you could tell it could hear just about anything.
Its appearence fightened the girl. "W-what do you want?" she says, less confident. For instance, instead of saying, "she says, less confident you could say "her tone of voice illustrating the lack of confidence she begins to feel."
All the creature does is stare at the girl a bit longer, then disappears in the darkness.
The girl doesn't waste another second. She spins around and sprints away. She dosen't let the burning in her lungs, or the ache in her legs stop her.
After a few hours her skinny legs give up on her and she falls to the floor. She crawls to the nearest tree, then rests.
The tired girl needs water. She looks around for some source of water. None can be seen. She just decides to fix her dark black hair and take all the leaves out of it, cleans herself up a bit, then heads off into the deathly forest.
It's not long before she falls again. Her throat is dry and she's sweating everywhere. Food is also another need. She can't hunt because she has no weapon and it's not like food is coming out of no where.
She begins to weep knowing this is how she's going to die.. From no water or eaten by beasts.
She cries until dawn when she hears the snap of a twig. She's completely alert but not sure exactly what to do.
She hears the growl of the beast. Fear enters her and she's shaking. But she does her best not to let it show as the beast comes slowly out of the darkness..

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Yeah, I tried making a story for a change. Do you think I'm good? Or should I just stick to poetry? You opinion means a lot!

Okay, I thought I'd start of by pointing out the opening sentence. I presume that due to your choice of genre you would want suspense and mystery in the first sentence. This is commonly used by many authors to make sure that the reader is really eager to continue reading. So instead of saying, The girl takes steps very slowly and looks all around her. you could replace that with The girl is hesitant to continue walking, she glances over her shoulder and inspecting this place suspiciously

By all means, my couple of suggestions you may take on board but if you decide not to, that's your choice.
Other than that, I think it has potential.

Okay so this is only decent work it needs alot to it to really make others want more from you. You need to describe the girl her features whats shes into. Make there be more to the story and put bigger vocab words into the piece one here or there never did anyone harm.

This sounds like it could be really interesting. You did well, other than the minor grammar issues. Hey if you don't mind me asking. Why fantasy? I mean I keep trying at romance but it would seem I'm poor at that and thought I would give this fantasy thing a try. Anyway your piece was well written just watch out for the grammar.