Eleanora

This is the poem version of the Edgar Allen Poe story, Eleanora. It was an assignment for school.

An obsession, yes, as many may guess
But love is not my fault.
For a tale so sad, why call me mad?
Being in love can exalt
So here is the story of Eleonora.

So mad, we’ll call me, but I remember everything
For a lucid memory I hold
The first epoch of my life, my dear young wife
Expecting together we’d grow old.
My darling wife Eleonora.

Twas in her youth, and I pen the truth
That I loved her from the start..
She was the niece of my mother, but we loved each other
But was yet to come from the heart,
I and my cousin, Eleonora.

We dwelled in a place of serenity and grace,
The Valley of the Many Coloured Grass.
Never did a footstep, unguided nor overstep
Across the valley once pass
In the recessed place of young Eleonora

Through flowers and greens and tangled streams,
Encircled in mountains; the river.
Its name made perfect sense, in which twas the river of silence
For no murmur did it deliver
Until came the dear Eleonora

In the valley hand in hand, love came over us completely unplanned
And a difference blossomed here..
The river then sung, and new flowers sprung
And gay glowing birds appeared
Because I loved the beautiful Eleonora.

Alas one change, certainly did re-arrange
Our perfect love filled land
The finger of death stole her breath
And ended a life so grand.
Poor, ill Eleonora

I fell to her feet with a vow to complete
“I shall never betray you.
I’ll love never again, for our love wasn’t in vein
And I will forever be true”
My vow was accepted by my love Eleonora.

Eleonora last said, her lips I read
“You will know when I’m there.
I’ll let out a sigh if your are ever to cry,
I’ll perfume the valley’s air,”
Said the dear Eleonora.

Her demise had forced me to leave the valley
And head for a queer new place.
The years went by in the city I reside
And all I ever see is the face
Of my love Eleonora..

Like her ending discourse, I felt an odd force
A sigh in her Voice.
Also I could smell the heavenly scent that upon me fell.
In feeling these I had no choice.
Why Eleonora?

Only once did I feel what I knew couldn’t be real
As I slept in the dark.
Her lips and mine, a kiss perfect and fine.
‘Till I woke up; she left no mark.
I long for the lips of Eleonora.

In my new life, one of sorrow and strife
I and a maiden wed.
I feared the disdain, from the seraphs that reigned
For I abandoned the vow I once said.
I plead mercy Eleonora!

When night fell dead, the familiar voice said,
“Sleep in peace, in peace do sleep.
Thy love for the maiden has been approved of those in Aidenn.
Thou art absolved to keep
Thy vows unto Eleonora.

CONDENSE. So many unnecessary words. You start off with kind of a limericky gallop, but the flow is COMPLETELY wrong by the time the first stanza closes. If you are going to write in such a form, you HAVE to keep it consistent, otherwise, no one is going to get through your piece. Also, she's your cousin?

I'll have to reserve judgement I guess. The language is so hard to get through that I really can't speak to the content. This needs a total facelift. If I have anything to say about the content its that you need more things. Use the word 'love' less and talk about something more intreresting

i hope this helps
best,

It's a nice poem, and I like your use of repetition in some places, but the rhythm falters in some instances and some of the sentence structure gets a bit awkward.

Being in love can exalt
So here is the story of Eleonora.

The transition between those two lines is choppy: the first is florid, the second suddenly very matter-of-fact, let's-get-down-to-business. You might consider trying to find a way to smooth it out a bit.

Expecting together we’d grow old.
My darling wife Eleonora.

Very small nitpick, but maybe put a comma instead of a period? "My darling wife Eleonora." is very isolated here, and is more a sentence fragment than something that stands on its own.

She was the niece of my mother, but we loved each other
But was yet to come from the heart,

The second line reads really awkwardly. I think I get the point, but I had to pause for a second, which is sometime you do not want your readers doing. Don't try to force the language.

Never did a footstep, unguided nor overstep
Across the valley once pass
In the recessed place of young Eleonora

Through flowers and greens and tangled streams,
Encircled in mountains; the river.

Again, this part is really, really convoluted. Understandable, but the sentence is heavy, and made me stop to decipher what exactly you were going on about.

I’ll love never again, for our love wasn’t in vein
And I will forever be true”
My vow was accepted by my love Eleonora.

Spelling nitpick: should be 'in vain', not 'in vein'. On another note, the last line again jars against the rest: too abrupt, too much tell and not enough show in a way.

Another issue I have, though this is maybe a case of YMMV, is the unevenness of some of the lines: there a few here and there that are noticeably longer than the others, and it disrupts my reading a bit.

I have to say though, I really like the last stanza (length of the third line notwithstanding).

Hope this helped.