Funeral Tears

The girl's body was unaturally still,
and her mother stared at her popping a pill.
A squell escaped her lips the sound quite shrill.
Her daughter was gone.
She had dropped there right onto the lawn,
the girl's life being drawn,
like in chess she was the pawn,
moving on.
Her mother plopped onto the floor clutching her legs,
her eyes scrunched, now tears they shed.
Her black funeral dress,
tear-stained, her brain an emotional mess.

(Some of these rhymes may sound a little forced,
I've gotten this comment on another poem, so I just
want to know what you think. Is it a bit better?)

The girl's body was unaturally still,

Should be, The girl's body was unnaturally still,

A squell escaped her lips the sound quite shrill.

Maybe, "A squell escaped her lips and the sound was quite shrill.?"

She had dropped there right onto the lawn,
the girl's life being drawn,
like in chess she was the pawn,
moving on.

I don't think this verse makes much sense..
Maybe She dropped right there onto the lawn,
Slowly, but surely, her life was being drawn.
Like in chess, she was a pawn,
Being taken away and abruptly moving on.

I'm not sure, that's just my suggestion. I just think the rhyming is forced and it doesn't flow well.

Change these sentences, they don't flow well.

Her black funeral dress,
tear-stained, her brain an emotional a mess.

Hope I helped

Thanks!

Hey Kitty Kat

I like this poem its really dirfferent to all the others ive read.
One thing Im not sure if 'Squell' is supposed to be Squeel... But I dont know. Some rhymes are a little strained, as you said, but not so much that it sounds pathetic. Great job. Keep... poeming?

Kudos to you.

Biffle

nice abby!