Unknown Incidence (2)

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Chapter 2
3 Months Later
My phone rings and I answer it.
“Hello,” I say.
“Hey, tell your mom to come to my office.” my dad says.
I get up off my yellow bed and speak up.
“Okay, I’ll just tell her now. Bye,” I say.
“Good, Bye,” he hangs up.
I slide my phone into my pocket.
“Mom! Dad says you have to go to his office!” I yell down the stairs to my mom.
“Okay, I’ll be right back then.” she yells back closing the door as she leaves.
I grab my sweater leading myself down the stairs.
“Hey Alex!” my brother rings in my ear.
“What?” I turn back.
He looks at me and says “Colin called,”
My body freezes and think through my mind. Colin? Wait, is he talking about Colin Hermis?
“Uh, what Colin?” I ask.
“He said that he needs to talk to you,”
I hold onto the staircase rail.
“Okay, but I need to know his full name.”
Jake taps his foot against the floor. “He didn’t say, he just said that it's a surprise.” he takes a look at my confused face.
“Uh, okay.” My feet walk down the stairs.
“You should call him,” he adds.
I look back. “I don’t know his number.” I say looking at the peach colored walls.
“It’s on the caller i.d.” he grabs onto the green couch.
“Oh, yeah, duh.”
“Where are you headed?” he notices my jacket.
“Ah, for a walk.”
“Kay, but call Colin; he said it was urgent.”
“Fine,” I grab the home phone and head downstairs.

Jake is just one of my brothers; I have two. There's Frank-the oldest and Jake-the middle child. Jake is still in highschool; a Senior. But Frank goes to college, he had a great girlfriend named Daisy,she was the nicest girl I ever met but they broke up on the 4th of July. To my second brother Jake-he's an architecture geek, he loves to make 3D models and play on some Sketch Up game. He's dating a dancer-she's really good at dancing. Jake doesn't really mantion her because they just started dating a while ago.
*
I keep on thinking in my mind, But I should forget about it. Actually, I can’t because he wanted to talk to me. It may be Colin Hermis; we used to be best friends until he moved. We didn’t keep close contact; our lives just changed so we forgot.
The phone in my hand keeps on staying there and the neighbor’s water their plants.
Fine, I’ll call.
My eyes take in the windy trees and the kids on bikes.
I dial in the number from the Caller I.D. and call.
“Hello?” some male says.
My heart skips a beat as I walk down Main Street with its old Victorian buildings that make me smile. The trees make this place feel suburban.
“Hi, um; is this Colin?” I spit out.
“Yeah, Alex?” Colin asks.
“Uhuh,” My mind turns toward the children. God, what are they doing? Those kids are playing in the pool and splashing the whole sidewalk with water! At least they are having fun.
“You know who I am, right?” he says as I stare at a store window.
“Uh, Colin Hermis?” The books in the window make me want to buy one.
“Yeah,” he rings into my ear.
“Wow, we didn’t talk in like forever! How are you?” I hit him with a question.
“I’m great. You?” Some wind blows in my face making the hot weather a little colder.
“Good,” I sit on the store curb.
The people walk pass me and mind their own business as they talk to each other or just walk in silence. Who walks in silence? I pick at some flowers letting the petals flow through my fingers, they are so soft.
“I’ve got some news.”
“What?”
“I’m moving back!” He gets excited. so I guess Jake was right-he said about maybe two-three months ago that he was moving back, how stupid was I to not believe him?!
“Oh my God! That’s so great!” I cheer up letting my excitement flow through my body.
“Yeah, I’m actually in West Dundee right now.”
“When did you get here?” I stand up.
“Yesterday,” I hear him putting the phone to the other ear.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” My body gets back down.
“I didn’t wanna bother you, we came at midnight.”
“It wouldn’t have bothered.”
There’s a small silence between us.
“Ah, where are you?” he asks.
“On Main Street, by the Around the Corner Candy Shop.” I explain.
“See you,” he hangs up.
I slide my phone into my pocket running to my left at the Candy Shop.
The little shop is really small and blue. I see the windows covered in stickers and signs that say: Open from 8-8pm. There are some kids inside that go to my school, they are at the cashier's desk with a bunch of candy in their hands.
I hear someone park a bike behind me and I turn around.
“Colin!” It’s a shocker to me that I recognized him, he looks different.
He hopes off his bike and hugs me.
Oh, I’m so happy to see him! It was so long; but to be exact: 3 years. He had moved to Florida because his dad had a great job there. So now I guess they got tired of Florida and wanted Chicago back.
We let go and smile at each other.
“So, what got you guys to move back?” We sit at the chairs that stand outside of the shop.
“We missed this place.”
He looks so nice. He has a mustache that has been shaved and his clothes look so neat. They are an expensive brand: American Eagle. His hair is longer than before but it’s still blonde.
“Uh, Alex? Are you there?” he takes me out of Lala Land.
“Yeah, here,” I assure him; pulling a piece of my own hair.
“The last time I left you, you didn’t day dream a lot.”
“I don’t!” My defending side comes out.
“Is it a guy?” he smiles crossing his arms.
“Please, no.”
“Really?” A sincere face grows on his face.
“I used too, but not anymore.” I admit.
A kid walks out of the shop with a snow cone in her hands. I recognize her.
“Hi Macy!” I say.
Macy turns toward me. Her pink sundress flows in the wind and her sunkissed face shows happiness. Macy's green eyes make me think of the spring not the summer.
“Hi Alex!” she comes up to me.
“How are you?” The slurp sound she makes disturbs me.
“Good, you?” I pet her head.
“Great! Who is he?” Her finger points at Colin.
“Oh, you don’t remember do you?”
“No,” she taps her foot.
“You were two when you saw him and me for the first time.”
Colin texts on his cell phone.
“Really?” Macy asks.
“Uhuh, this is Colin.” He looks up from his phone.
“That’s Macy?” he whispers into my ear.
“Uhuh,”
“Hi,” They both shake hands.
“I gotta go, Ashley is waiting,” she says.
“Okay, bye!” We say letting Macy go.
“Bye!” Macy runs away with her snow cone.
I turn to look at Colin “Wow, she has changed.”
“Yeah, so have you,”
The people walk in the shop as some walk out.
“Everyone changes as they grow.” He explains.
“Uhuh,” I look at the people.
Last edited by Nike on Wed May 19, 2010 8:04 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hello there!
One quick grammar mistake to point out:

“Everyone changes as they grow.” he explains.


Other than that, I really liked your story. But you need to add more description to it, it read like:
I did this
He did that
Then we went here

Reads like a list. Describe the surroundings, her thoughts, how she is feeling, etc.
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.




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Review Part(2)

Wait... What?
In the last chapter you got to the point of Colin. This girl was talking about Colin who had moved away, appeared to be getting stressed about something, something came on the news, and then... Three months later?

Sometimes you have to string your story together to see if the chapter breaks make sense. (I myself am guilty of the same problem :p )

Compared to the first, this chapter is disappointing, mainly because it has no structure at all. Most of it is in single lines, and there is way too much speech.

"My phone rings as I answer it."

As, means at the same time. I slurp as I drink my milkshake. You can't answer something at the same time as it's ringing, because when you answer, it stops ringing.

I think what would help this chapter a lot is to revise the conversations. In real life there's a lot going on apart from what people are saying. In a story, all we have is the words being spoken, which makes reading all the little extras and the short talk quite tedious. If you think them over and condense the sentences it'll be a lot more interesting to read, and your reader is less likely to skip over lines that may have something important in them.

And on to part(3)
We were born to be amazing.




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GREAT! I remember reading a similar story at ur house aha-ah(:
It was like her dad moved to DC or something? ANYWAY, GREAT!!!!! :D
Michelle
Hope you like my 'Books'!
Kocham Cie(:
-Michelle



"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso