LakeView - Chapter 1

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Well this is chapter one of my new story that I felt inspired to make this easter break. It is around one-thousand words, so hopefully it isn't to short. Please rip it apart because I really want to work on correcting all of my grammatical mistakes in future written works.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dark clouds formed over Lakeview High that could only be a bad omen, but nothing could damper my mood today. Not bothering to chain my bike up anywhere I tossed it in the grass. I doubted anyone would steal the thing old and busted as it is. The electronic sign in front of the school read 7:12am which meant I only had three minutes to get to PE. Conscious of the time I rushed inside and down the main hallway. A few seniors and stragglers gave me strange glances as I darted down the hall. Ignoring them I kept focused on getting to the gym. I figure if I get another write up my mom is actually gonna freak. Eh, she’ll get over it, but I really didn’t want to push her. Luckily the bell rang just as I entered the gym. It took me a moment then I realized that I had forgotten to wear my gym clothes. Everyone was already doing the starting warm-up of walking around the gym.
The next hour and half seemed to breeze by without any of the excitement as jocks called it registering. Walking into Mr. Breezewood’s History of Specials class I eagerly sat down in my desk chair. Now this was a class I loved. Ann walked in and sat down in the desk adjacent to mine. As she set down her bag her light brown hair fell over her eyes, and she had to push it to the side before addressing me ecstatically.

“Hey Logan!” she excitedly said, “Tomorrow is the big day.”

A wave of relief passed through me. I was so glad she had remembered my birthday was tomorrow. Why had I doubted her? “Yep, I can’t wait.” Her mouth was half open when the bell rung.

“We can talk after class,” she whispered before turning to the board. As usual jumbles of barely legible notes were sprawled across the board. From what I could tell today’s lesson had something to do with water breathing. Ugh, what a boring subject, looks like it is time for me to sleep. Putting my head down on the table and closing my eyes made me nearly instantly fall asleep.

Someone was poking me. Bolting out of my sleep I gazed around and saw Ann looking at me mischievously. “Do you have the Answer or not Mr. Swift?” called Mr. Breezewood from the front of the classroom. I wouldn’t give Ann the satisfaction of seeing me caught of guard in my best class.

“Could you repeat the question sir?” I asked with as much politeness as I could muster.

“Do you know how most people get water breathing?” he replied. The gears in my brain were still starting up, but after a minute I thought I had the answer.

“People usually get the water breather thing when they live in the south near the hot climate and swim a lot.” I said with undeterred confidence.

“Ah, quite right Mr. Swift, but if you had been paying attention for the past hour instead sleeping you might have learned that it can also be classified as a trait inherited from a parent.” I was sure he was wrong, but I held my tongue. After he finished staring at me deciding he had made his point or whatever; he turned toward the board and began scribbling down more notes. I heard a noise to my right and turned to see Ann covering the side of her face so that I could not see what I knew were her stifled giggles. Slumping down into my chair I let my mind wander to tomorrow. What would it be like? It was different for everyone. Would I get some lame power or something worth while? Soon my life would change, tomorrow I turn sixteen.

A knock on the classroom door made me come back to reality. Flustered Breezewood strode over to the door and opened it. Mr. Sanders, the guy who took students from class for whatever reason, walked passed Breezewood and while looking at his clipboard called “Is an Elizabeth Emerald present?” I quickly looked over at Ann wondering if she knew what why she was being called. She looked just as shocked as I did. I watched her gather her books, put them in her bag and walk to the door. Before walking out the door she glanced back at me with a worried expression then she disappeared along with Mr. Sanders through the threshold.

The rest of class passed in a blur, all I could think about was Ann and Mr. Sanders. When the bell rang again I was done with school. I stopped to wait for Ann at the soda machine which I knew was on the way from Mr. Sanders office to our next class. Four and a half minutes had passed and the late bell would ring soon, so I just booked it. Darting out the nearest exit I ran a few yards then slowed to a walk.

Ah well could anyone expect me to concentrate on school with my birthday tomorrow. My mom would get all pissed again, so I couldn’t go home. Josh was still in school, so that left me with the park. The uneventful five minute walk to the park gave my mind time to wander back to tomorrow. All I could think about was what kind of gift I would get. I sure to god hope my parents didn’t have some lame gift that had a chance of being an inherited trait like water breathing. Heck if I was a girl, and I asked a guy his power, and he said water breathing I would just laugh. Multicolored leaves littered the ground everywhere. I hadn’t noticed, but I had walked right up to the foot of the old tree house. Might as well go up and hang around until school is over. Making up my mind I climbed the rickety ancient ladder into the tree house some ten feet above.

Sometimes I wonder how we were all small enough to fit in here back then. While crouching I walked over and plopped down into the red worn couch my father had given to us when we had gotten the new one. Was that really eight years ago tomorrow? Closing my eyes I drifted off.

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Last edited by Day on Fri May 21, 2010 1:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hello, I'd like to review this for you.

Dark clouds formed over Lakeview High that could only be a bad omen, but nothing could damper my mood today.


Not too sure but I think it's dampen. This is a nice opening sentence but we don't really know why he's in a good mood until a bit later. I'm presuming it's because it's his birthday tomorrow but you may want to elaborate.

Conscious of the time I rushed inside and down the main hallway. A few seniors and stragglers gave me strange glances as I darted down the hall. Ignoring them I kept focused on getting to the gym. I figure if I get another write up my mom is actually gonna freak. Eh, she’ll get over it, but I really didn’t want to push her. Luckily the bell rang just as I entered the gym. It took me a moment then I realized that I had forgotten to wear my gym clothes. Everyone was already doing the starting warm-up of walking around the gym.


You do use the word gym quite a lot. Maybe think of an alternative like sports hall or fitness centre. It's not a major problem but it did come across to me. Sorry I'm in a bit of a fussy mood! :)

Also you describe every little detail. It's like I darted down the hall. I kept focused on getting to the gym. The bell rang just as I got to the gym. I forgot to wear my gym clothes. Everyone was doing the warm up. You could include it all but maybe round it off into one or two sentences like: I darted down the hall, focusing on getting to the gym. It was only when I reached the hall and everyone was warming up that I realised that I wasn't wearing my gym clothes.

Walking into Mr. Breezewood’s History of Specials class I eagerly sat down in my desk chair. Now this was a class I loved.


You mentioned that he loved the class. I think you could explain why he enjoyed the class. Oh wait I just realised he could be saying it with sarcasm. If so you should make that more clear because I've only just realised that! :lol:

“Hey Logan!” she excitedly said, “Tomorrow is the big day.”

A wave of relief passed through me. I was so glad she had remembered my birthday was tomorrow. Why had I doubted her? “Yep, I can’t wait.” Her mouth was half open when the bell rung.


The conversation between them was quite good because it flowed. I always have a problem with getting my dialogue to flow. But, I don't really think that they'd have such a conversation in the middle of a lesson.

“Is an Elizabeth Emerald present?”


Why's Ann being called Elizabeth?

Multicolored leaves littered the ground everywhere.


Not sure multicoloured is the right word. If it's autumn/fall you could say 'crisp fiery coloured leaves littered the ground.' or if it's summer 'waxy emerald leaves littered the ground'.

Also, Logan falls asleep twice. Once in the lesson and once at the end. He must have a reason for being tired. Sometimes writers put their characters to sleep to save them the task of writing about what's happening next, in your case the lesson. You could include a reason of why Logan is tired.

Anyway this has potential. But, you need to consider a few things. Firstly, you don't describe the surrondings or more importantly the characters. I like a bit of mystery where the reader has to imagine the characters appearance for their self but it is essential that you describe a little of the main characters' appearence and personality in the first chapter or the reader will get bored and not want to read on.
Also, I suppose it's his sixteenth birthday which is quite an event but birthday's happen all the time! There's a lack of excitement. I think you need to think of something that will draw the reader in. But I'll leave that one to you. :)

I hope I've not been too mean, I just wanted to tell you straight so you can make this story the best it can be.

Good luck and KEEP WRITING!

-Sophie x :smt001
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Is there a prologue for this or this is where it starts from. PM me and tell.
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Thanks for the Review! I really appreciate it... questions.

I shall work on fixing those word issues (gym, multicolored, damper, etc)

He actually does love Mr. Breezewood's class. I thought I made that clear, by saying this bit: "I wouldn’t give Ann the satisfaction of seeing me caught of guard in my best class."

The conversation was not during class it was before it started. I based the timing off my school. Five minutes total to switch between classes, so they had arrived with about three minutes to spare. (actually it may be a good idea to include that!)

her name is Elizabeth Ann Emerald


Thx again
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Haha it makes more sense now. :)
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Hey McDreamy! Thanks for the review request :).

So the first thought I had about it was that it was kind of boring. Your style is great, but just the story I found to be just...ehh. I wasn't thrilled. The thing that interested me the most was when Ann was pulled from class. It made me want to figure out what was going on, so that's great. So if you're just going to introduce us to the MC's life you might want to give us a little more then just his classroom antics. Also I was confused about the powers...explain a little more okay?
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I was confused about the power thing too. For his 16th birthday, is his gift supposed to be some kind of superpower? Or am I totally off track? XD

Also, who is Josh? You mentioned him towards the end.

Your dialogue and the part when you were in Mr. Breezewood’s class were my favorite parts in this piece. It went together smoothly.

I was confused after you entered the gym, because you went on saying you realized you weren’t wearing the right clothes, people were running around, yada yada and then all of a sudden you said an hour and a half passed and you were in Mr. Breezewood’s class. I think you need a little smoother transition there, because you lost me.

I hope I helped somehow :D
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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Thanks for the reviews guys!

Obviously if this were ever a real book the chapter would have to be so much longer. That would include probably the next two "chapters" I put up here. Basically I'm trying to say that the powers will be explained in the next few chapters as well as something relating to Ann.

The transition from the gym could use a bit of work as you said. Hopefully I can edit sometime soon.

~Day
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I really like this buuut, i dont really get it. What do you mean by powers? Water breathing? Should this be in the Fantasy section? Also, it was kind of boring. Don't get me wrong, it's got some potential, but you didn't grip me in much.

Also the final paragraph (You should have seen this coming) It's so long! I got lost at least three times in that jungle! You should make a new one with every new topic. Like in between gym and the history class (which needs a little work on the transition) there should be a new paragraph.

That is all seeing I don't really know what's going on...

Kudos.

Biffle
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