So Seductive

So Seductive
By Hiadel
Looking across the couch at his girlfriend Daniel took in all of her features. With a pretty smile, sparkling eyelashes, and lips that give angel’s a run for their money it’s hard to ask for more. She was looking out the window and seemed to be in a whole other world. Her eyes were darting along with something moving outside and every time they stopped he would stare deeply into them and envision himself falling deeply into them, as he had when he had first started loving her. These same eyes tonight were making him slink back into those seductive feelings for her and started his craving for her body. Now, he thought to himself, he just had to get her mind off whatever was outside and get it focused on him.
“Hey Vennisa” Daniel said as he flashed his eyelashes at her. As she turned her head towards him he leaned over the small gap that separated them and gave her a quick pluck on the lips before leaning back on the couch again.
“What was that for?” Vennisa replied, taken a little by surprise Daniel’s sudden dash of affection.
“Well, I was looking at you staring out the window when I noticed your lips. Largely written across them was beauty, and I couldn’t bear to see them sit there. That’s why I felt so compelled to lean over and dash those words from your lips.”
Vennisa always loved it when he said cheesy romantic stuff like that. “Well, I do have beauty written in a lot of other places, if you’re interested.” She replied with a smile.

Watching this all unfold on his TV screen Nick felt the same way about the girl next to him on his couch in his living room. God I hate first dates, he thought to himself. Sweat dripped down the back of Nick’s back as he nervously thought of how to tell her how he thought of her. She’s just so seductive it makes him a little nervous.
Looking back at the TV Nick saw the actors in the movie follow up their kiss by entangling each other in their grips and falling on their backs to square away their love on the couch. Yes, Nick thought to himself, that’s exactly how I want tonight to pan out. But what do I say so that I don’t kill the mood?
He steadied his gaze back on his date and noticed how just like that actress she had lips that shined with beauty. Well hell, Nick thought. If he didn’t make the move now he didn’t think he ever would.
Mustering up all his courage he looked across the couch at his date and went all in.
“Hey” Nick said as he flashed his eyelashes. His date turned immediately on the couch towards him and smiled.
“So do you see something?” She said, closing her eyes and then leaning forward with her lips ready for his.
“Yes I do, and I can’t stand to let it sit there.” He said with the widest grin he’s had in a while. Nice move, he thought to himself. Very seductive.

This was different, in a good way.

I like how you weren't afraid to branch out and go beyond what other's post on here. And best of all, you didn't do it in even a remotely dirty way. The way you described their tangled bodies made me smile. It was actually romantic, the way you wrote this. I was very happy.

On the other hand, I was very confused. Mainly of the first part, and why you made that a simple TV show or movie? You developed the characters way more in the movie than in the real life scene. That's not very good. I think you need to spend more time on the real people so we can get a feel of their relationship. It's a first date and he's already trying to be seductive, and planning out how he's going to do it? To me, that's a little weird.

Also in the show, you got inside the boy's head a lot. You should specify somewhere that those are the actor's thoughts. If not, it's kind of confusing.

I really liked it! All your works are good. I was kind of sad about this, because it seems like all your other works contain big paragraphs, and I was waiting for those. haha

But good job!

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy

I think that it could have been better. It wasn't bad, but some of the words you used could have been replaced and made it sound better. I think that you used the word seductive to much for it to sound good. Once is enough for me then changing the word would be nice. Anyway besides that it needs a little better flow and that's all I can think of.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

Amazing.. are you going to write a second part? This is so romantic! I Love it! Please write more.
Bella

Yeah thanks for the comments, I really appreciate it!

I'm not much of a romantic story type of person but I did find this quite interesting. The way you worded it all together was wonderful and it kept me reading until the end. I have to agree though with Flower~Child on some parts, you could have switched a few words up with more meangingful, powerful words instead. But other then that, good job!~

I didn't really get it... Can someone please explain?

Hey Hiadel! Looks like you've been around YWS for a few months now, so I hope you're still enjoying it. Good to have you!

Here are my thoughts on this piece:

1) Title
Reading the title, I expected something sarcastic or silly, not something that was actually supposed to be seductive. There's nothing wrong with having a title that fits unexpectedly with a piece, but this one doesn't really fit. It would be like titling the fifth Harry Potter book "Harry Potter and His Persistent Angst," or calling a Stephen King novel, "Really Really Disturbing." It killed the mood for me right away.

2) Phrasing
You're inconsistent. One minute it's all metaphors, the next it's very literal. Sometimes that mix works, but here it's just strange.

With a pretty smile, sparkling eyelashes, and lips that give angel’s a run for their money it’s hard to ask for more.

"Pretty smile" is very literal (and pretty undescriptive, actually). "Sparkling eyelashes" reminds me of something straight out of "Twilight." How do eyelashes sparkle unless they've got glitter dusted onto them? And angels getting a run for their money? Too many cliche's all thrown together, and it just doesn't make sense.

Here's another example:

Mustering up all his courage he looked across the couch at his date and went all in.

Gotta be careful here. I know what you mean, but the first thing that I imagined was a rousing, "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

3) Grammar and Correctness
Switching back and forth between tenses, incorrectly punctuating dialogue, and mixing up the perspectives of the characters is really distracting. Take the time to fix as many mechanical errors as you can before posting your work, because it will allow your readers to focus on the bigger picture instead of playing Strunk and White for you. It will make them much more forgiving of other issues.

4) Seriously?
I don't want to seem too harsh, but that's just the word that kept popping into the little thought bubble over my head as I was reading this piece.

Take the final line:

“Yes I do, and I can’t stand to let it sit there.” He said with the widest grin he’s had in a while. Nice move, he thought to himself. Very seductive.

I know that people have different opinions about what's sexy and what's not, so I figure that maybe this just played out differently in your head than it was communicated in writing to me. This was not seductive. Not in the least.

Subtlety would serve you here. Set a mood instead of telling us what you want us to feel. Lingering glances and slowly moving closer is going to take you a lot farther in the build-up of a scene (or even just a feeling!) than having some guy thinking, "Daaaaaaamn I'm smooth!"

Finally: stop having people flash their eyelashes at each other. I'm not really sure what that looks like, but it's not really coming off as very attractive in my head. Sort of like a twitching, dust-in-the-eye sort of motion.

Good luck with any future revisions you make on this piece! Please don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions.

When I was writing this piece I intentionally went out on a limb and tried to toy with people's views of romance and how things in this arena work out. The way I see romance writing is a thing where you try to get inside the head of the reader and activate the parts of their brain that release the euphoria when you hit the intense scenes where the passion really starts to flow.

I've shown this piece to a good number of people now and I've found that roughly half of the people I show it to totally get and understand what I'm saying whereas the other half either hates it or doesn't understand. If your on the side that understood what I was doing then you were lucky enough to hear my voice through the words and see what I was getting at with this. If you didn't get it thats not a problem, I just didn't speak your language when it came to writing. I wasn't able to captivate that other half of people in the type of speech I was trying to convey to the reader.

I'm honestly not sure if any of that stuff I just said makes sense or not, but I'm happy you guys read it and got to see some of my experimental work!.

Hey Hiadel,

This was definitely interesting, but I have to agree with Areida. The title threw me completely.

That aside, I like what you were trying to do, but I felt the beginning was confusing. There was too much focus on the characters on TV rather than the actual characters.

Nick comes off as a bit of a closet nimrod. He's already trying to seduce this girl on a first date? Did he already know the girl? A little more detail would help the scene tremendously.

Despite all of this, I find your style interesting and I like the concept of your piece.

~Lette

I got a Q....why are you repeating 'seductive'?...it also sounds a bit cheesy to me...sorry but I liked it!

Thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate it!

I do agree with a lot of the other reviews; I think that the whole plot of this snippet was really confusing and I wasn't sure what everything was happening to, Nick or Daniel??
Anyway I have a few nitpicks to point out.

Hiadel wrote:Looking across the couch at his girlfriend, Daniel took in all of her features

Make sure to put a comma between girlfriend and Daniel!

Hiadel wrote:God I hate first dates, he thought to himself.

Thoughts are supposed to be italicized.
Good attempt, but I believe that if you take my advice and edit a few things, and then change the characters a little bit, you might have an enjoyable short story!
Keep writing,
Jane

I really enjoyed this short story. It stands on its own rather than seeming like part of a book, but if you plan on adding more to it, that would work, too. It was really different (in a good way) that you started it out as a TV show, but made it seem like that was the story, then started telling the real story.

“Well, I was looking at you staring out the window when I noticed your lips. Largely written across them was beauty, and I couldn’t bear to see them sit there. That’s why I felt so compelled to lean over and dash those words from your lips.”

It's sad that that's something someone in a soap opera would actually say.

~Amylith