Told by a sly mouth Those charming lies claiming love Revenge will be sweet
I am nothing but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's or maybe like pocket candy that's just a bit too sweet.
I think that this haiku could benefit from a topic. I guess it's hard to say 'edit your haiku', because it's easier to throw them away, so maybe I'll just suggest that you try again. Generally haikus are kind of about nature, and I though that some natural shapes were implicit in these words. For some reason, the word 'sly' had me thinking about the moon slipping behind a cloud, which would be kind of like hiding the truth (lying).
'Claiming' doesn't fit the tense you've started. In the first line, you say 'told', which is in the past, but then you switch to the present participle (I think that's what it's called). I like the idea of going from past to present to future (which you do), but I think it would be read more easily if instead of an '-ing' verb, you just used a regular present-tense verb.
In any case, PM me if you have questions. Maybe try a set of haikus.
-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants are you a green room knight yet? have you read this week's Squills?
Um, sorry, but haikus are about nature. I agree with hannah on how sly could fefer to the moon but no, this haiku doesnt work. Anyways, haikus are all about showing, not telling. All you did here was tell us about love, which could be a great start for a poem, but not a haiku. Sorry.
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.
Well there's not much I can say about a haiku, so I'll just tell you what I think about it. A lot of your poetry is about love, and lies and such, which is kind of a subject that gets old really quickly. Haiku's I find are really hard to get right because they're so short and you want to still evoke emotion in the reader. Reading this I really didn't feel anything, and frankly I'd just trash it, since like Hannah said you can't really edit them.
Try writing about something deeper, really look deep into yourself and write about something meaningful to you.
Good luck!
~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."
This leaves much to the imagination. Could be a psycho ex-lover left in the dust and plotting a way to get her beloved back. In the most vile of ways, of course. Or, since I'm a sci-fi nerd, could be a spy of some sort plotting revenge against an ex, using all her skills to do so. Haha! But at any rate, a very "sweet"- if one could refer it as that- haiku.
~Panda;;
Southern hospitality just ain't what it used to be...
First of all, this is actually senryu. As many above users mentioned, this isn't actually about any season, so it's referred to as senyru, which still carries the structure of haiku.
I read the first line as "moth" and the imagery was quite cool-- dunno why. But, after re-reading it, I actually saw what it was, and I was a little disappointed. I would go through this again and maybe play with it; offer something new. Being concise is key here, and the little description you offered was too spread out. Utilize that space for more.
Overall, has potential, but it could use some work. Good job though! -Coral-
