Ment For More

Taking a break on my other book, this is a good refresher, enjoy!

Chapter 1- A Little More Than Average

I'm your average teenage girl. I live in a small town on a farm. My neighbor is my best friend and also my long time crush. I've known him forever. He is so kind to everyone and when he looks at me I feel like the most special person he knows. He and I go to a small high school with your average cliques, bullies, jocks, you name it. And then of course there are the outcasts like me.The ones with the hand-me-down clothes, ripped shoes, and a less than perfect body figure. Most stories are about outcasts like this one. Unlike most stories I enjoyed my average life, but one day everything changed. I was outside doing my chores when Jake came over (he's the guy I like)
"
Hey there" he said leaning casually against the barn door.A gentle breeze lifted a wisp of brown hair away form his forehead exposing his intense brown eyes.

"s'up?" I replied quickly. I instantly scolded myself for saying something so lame. Who said s'up anymore?

"I came to see if you needed any help," Jake was always helping me with my chores.

"Umm sure," I said lifting the milking pail. I headed over to Bessie our cow. Yes I know the name is not very original but my Dad was convinced that it was just a cow and that it did not need a special name.

Jake climbed on top of the stall and sat down. He watched me while I milked which made me really uncomfortable. What was wrong with me? I wondered I never was uncomfortable around him. Maybe it was just the way I could feel his gaze resting on me.

"You know, your not doing that right," said Jake.

Part of me scoffed at that idea, I had been milking cows my whole life, I knew what I was doing. But he just sat there with his muscular arms folded across his chest looking so absolutely adorable I was convinced that he was right. "What am I doing wrong?" I asked. His mouth formed a crooked tooth grin and he jumped off his perch to kneel beside me.

"Well first your supposed to grip it like this," He said grabbing the utter in the completely wrong way.

My brain knew this but I was so distracted by how close he was to me that I couldn't remember anything.

"Then you tilt it this way," He said as he ever so carefully tilted it towards my face.

Suddenly I realized what was happening but I was a moment too late.

"And you squeeze!" he laughed triumphantly and warm milk spurted out all over my face.

"Jaaaaakkkeee!" I screamed and chased him around the barn. He jumped in the rope he and I had made when we were younger and climbed his way up to the loft.I followed. The cow was going nuts but I was too focused on getting Jake I didn't care. He threw his head back and laughed out loud. His laugh was so deep and rich you just had to laugh along. I finally caught up to him and tackled him for all I was worth. Then he tickled me until we were both so exhausted we just collapsed in a pile of straw and stared at the ceiling. The cow had probably knocked over the pail of milk but once again I did not care, it was a perfect moment.

"Riley?" said Jake sitting up suddenly.

"Hmmm?" I mumbled sleepily.

Jake looked at me then reached his hand out and brushed my tangled brown hair from my face. For a split second I thought he was going to kiss me . Instead he laid back down and said, " I think you were right about how to milk cows," I laughed and then with what little strength I had left I slapped him and his laughter filled the barn.

Wow.

This is absolutely dripping with cliches.

Which irritates me because it does have potential.

I'm sorry if I seem rude, but this can be so much better.


For a start, the first sentence is far from captivating, and the accompanying paragraph isn't redeeming.

I'm certain you've heard the expression “don't judge a book by its cover”. While this is nice in theory, a lot of people will judge by the literary equivalent of a “cover”. That is, they read the first few lines to see if it takes their interest. If not, they put the book back on the shelf. Which is why, and a lot of literary sorts, if not all, will agree that the first sentence/paragraph has to be captivating.

One mistake young writers make is they go straight into introducing the main character. I did this, you did this, thousands of others before and after us will do it. It's because, to an extent, it's what we're used to, but also what we think people want.
From a reader's standpoint, there's nothing more irritating. Because immediately you're establishing that the character is all but interesting. What they lay out is all there is to them. And you tune out.

Some good advice I was given is “when in doubt, describe the set”. That is, when you don't have something fantastically captivating to say in the first paragraph, but you want readers to read beyond it, tell us where we are, then slowly introduce your character. The best way to make sure you develop a character at a non-threatening pace is to avoid the first person, because inexperienced writers almost always begin first person with “my name is”.

I suggest that if I failed at explaining that properly, pick up a novel, preferably a decent one, not young adult fiction or pop-fiction like Harry Potter or The Princess Diaries, because these sort of books always lad you astray. Go to your parents bookshelf, or your older siblings, or check out the “Fiction” section at a library, and open to the first page. Read the first few lines. How often have some of the more esteemed authors begun with “Hi, I'm Frank. I'm 32, five foot six and work in an office”. Answer: very rarely, if ever.

I know it seems silly that I spent so long talking about that, but it really does make a difference. It will take your piece from one or two reviews to nine or ten, because people are willing to read further and, ergo, give a decent review on what they liked and disliked.



Beyond that, and into the actual story.

Now, this Jake is Riley's best friend, neighbour, crush? For a start, that's a lot of information to slap us with in a first chapter, but what I don't understand is how Riley could be nervous around someone who is essentially her best friend.

I'll take Jodi Picoult's “The Pact” for an example. Albeit, the story itself is infuriating and tedious, what she does well is establishes the true love and dependence and romance between her two main characters Emily and Chris. It's a similar situation as in your story; they're neighbours, best friends, have known one another for years, and eventually fall in love. They're comfortable around one another and trust one another to an extent. Throughout the book, there is never an awkward moment like saying “sup” when it's not cool (and the S in sup should be capitalised when it's the start of a sentence) because of the comfort shared between best friends. If you went up to your best friend and said “sup”, they'd harass you before you got the chance to cringe independently. Why should your characters feel any different, just because there's love involved?



My review goes beyond that, again, with a call to please do me a favour? Print this chapter out, cut it into small pieces, and select which bit should go into which chapter. You've crammed too much into the first chapter, and not offered us anything intriguing to keep us hanging out for the next.

May I suggest setting aside chapter one to introduce us to:
+Riley.
+Her farm life. (Not forgetting farms are quite a distance apart from one another and it's quite an effort for one neighbour to visit the other).

I'd then use the second or third chapter to introduce Jake, slowly develop Riley's feelings for him over the next few, and wait until you're well into the establishment of your characters before you try anything nearly romantic like a “near kiss” or whatever it was in your last paragraph, so we want it to happen, rather than rolling our eyes.

Remember: you're the writer, you can take as long as you want to make us want romantic interaction more and more. But the quicker you make it, the more ridiculous and “teen fantasy” it seems. Take your time, make us love your characters before you make them love each other.

There's my review, take from it what you will. I hope I at least helped a bit.
Keep it up, though. Don't in any way feel discouraged from this story. It has potential, just be careful.
Good luck =D

Youreit here, ready to review!

First of all, this is full of cliches, which is all fine and dandy, but only if you can make it work. I'm sorry to say, it's not working for you. What you could do, however, is take these cliches and introduce them one at a time, rather than dumping them all in the first paragraph.

Other than the cliches, and some grammar errors, I thought you had a nice voice, and the story has some real potential.

Keep writing,
youreit