New Student

I was late for school. I was getting inside but the stupid bell rang. I made it to my classroom, but Mr.John was very late. I wonder why he was always late... Maybe he stop to get his coffee, but he arrived.
"Sorry, I was late kids, but I was in the principal's office"
I wonder who is this new student...
"If you excuse me for a moment."
I feel nervous to see this new kid. Then a person came in and everyone was surprise, but when I look at the new kid, it's a boy. His skin looks like snow falling from the clouds in a winter day.
"You may sit now"
"Where?"
His voice was so calm like an angel.
"You may sit to next Agnes"
"Whatever"
He sat next to me, but I ignore him because he's not my type. It's weird that I'm having goosebumps. I thought he was looking at me with his beautiful eyes. I look at him, but no, he was not looking at me. I decide to talk to him but the bell rang. I couldn't talk to him.
"Oh and students..."
Everyone looked at Mr.John.
"The new kid has a name and his name is J.D."
J.D., what a cute name. But why he's so serious... In gym class, I meet this boy named Mikey. He told me that his mother is a old friend of my mom.
So I decide to go with my friends until I bumped into someone.
"Hey, watch where you going!"
"What did you say?"
I look at his face and it was J.D..
"Oh, just you... I didn't saw you."
"You're Agnes, right?"
I grabed his hand to get up.
"Yeah and you must be..."
"J.D."
I keep staring at his face.
"Um, hello... Agnes, which class are we going?"
"Science. Mrs.Rose put you to be my lab partner"
He so weird the way keep staring at me.
"Well, I better get going. Bye"
"Bye"
Why he is the silent type... He doesn't speak to anyone...

In the afternoon, Cynthia came to tell me that she has a crush on J.D. I don't know why , but is not my problem,it's her problem.
"Hey Agnes, Don't you dare to talk to my future boyfriend"
"Your future boyfriend? You must be kidding. You don't know if he even likes you."
"Oh, I know he likes me very much. You're just jealous!"
"I'm not jealous and you're such an idiot"
She cried and I look down on the ground and she hit me in my shoulder. What is wrong with me? She is such a drama queen.
"What do you did to Cynthia, Agnes?"
Maryse appear out of nowhere.
"I don't care what you are saying to me, now get out of my sight"
"I didn't finish with you"
Maryse punched me in my face. I started to bleed from my nose. Before Maryse kick me, Natalia quickly came.
"WHAT YOU DID THAT FOR?"
"I did it for my friend, Cynthia"
"I'm going to hit you for that, you shouldn't have done that!"
Natalia grab my arm before I hit Maryse's ugly face. Natalia helped me get to the Nurse's office.
"What happened to her?"
"Maryse punched her face and Agnes start to bleed from her nose."
"Okay, would you please put her in the bed and you may go now"
"Okay"
"I got this, Natalia you can go now."
Natalia leaved me in the bed. The nurse started to clean all the blood I have in my nose and put some ice on it. When I look to the other side, J.D. was in there, I quickly close my eyes and open them again and he disappeared. Maybe it was my imagination.
I looked at my nose with the mirrow.
"Okay, you're all better. Don't touch you're nose or you will start to bleed even more"
I got out of the office.
"So, what happened to you?"
I look and it was J.D.
"Nothing and you know what could make it better?"
"What?"
"Stay away from me!"
"You're an idiot, and hey, oh you know who is was my favorite type?"
"What, you like to be dumb?"
"No, I just like people who are a little idiotic"
"I am not an idiot, okay"
"Yes, you are and you just don't accept what I say to you"
"Leave me alone... Is that to much to ask?"
"Sure"
Sure, what kind of boy is he. School is over , when I saw J.D.. He was talking to two big boys. I like my life without him. His going to ruin my life. I don't even like him but why he say that I'm an idiot? He is the idiot...

This is a really good story. Do you plan on writing more? I really enjoyed it. Could you please write more?
Bella

I read as much as I could...but poor grammer and what-not turned me off from this story.

It's a great story, don't get me wrong...it's just my mind focuses on the errors rather than the story. A couple major things...

1: First paragraph - "Maybe he stop to get a his coffee, but he arrive." That really made me confused. Are you saying he's early, or late, or always seeming to make it just in time?

2: "You may sit now"
"Where?"
His voice was so calm like an angel.
"You may sit to next Agnes"
"Whatever"

Don't forget periods, exclamation marks, etc.! You would be surprised how a well placed exclamation mark can make a point.

Anyway, in short, just clean it up a little bit, please.

Hello Naydy, welcome to YWS. I'm KD, and I'll be reviewing your story today.
Here are my nitpicks for first third of your story.

Naydy wrote:I was late for school. I was getting inside but the stupid bell rang. Strange sentence. What is 'but' contradicting? You make it sound as if the bell prevented her from getting inside.I made it to my classroom but Mr.John was very late. I wonder why he was always late... Maybe he stops to get a his coffee, but he arrive. 'To get a his coffee'? Huh?
"Sorry, I was late kids but I was in the principal's office."
I wonder who is this new student...New student? You didn't introduce a the topic of a new student coming to the school. Here you just jump into the topic, as if the reader knows that a new student is arriving already. Is this a thought? You must show that.
"If you excuse me for a moment."
I [s]feel[/s] was nervous to see this new kid. Why? Most people wouldn't generally feel nervous if a new kid was coming. The new kid might be nervous, though, but that's not who we're talking about. Then a person came in and everyone was surprise but when I look at the new kid, it's a boy. Why is everyone surprised? They were expecting a new kid, weren't they? Again, the 'but' doesn't make sense there. I would break this all into two sentences. His skin looks like snow falling from the clouds in on a winter day. Very interesting simile idea! I like it, but it doesn't seem to work here.
"You may sit now" Oh, remember your periods! And who is saying this? You must show the speaker in dialog...you can't leave the reader guessing.
"Where?"
His voice was so calm like an angel. I like your simile usage once again! And this time, I think this simile fits perfectly here. To help it read better, though, I would say: 'His voice was as calm as an angel's.' Or something like that, at least.
"You may sit to next Agnes"
"Whatever"
He sat next to me but I ignore him 'cause he's not my type. I would say something like 'As he sat down next to me, I ignored him 'cause he's not my type.' It would help this sentence read better.
It's weird that I'm having goosebumps in my body. Goosebumps aren't inside of your body, they're on your skin.I thought he was looking at me with his beautiful eyes. I look at him but no, to find thathe was not looking at me. I decided to talk to him but the bell rang. Tense problems! Don't go from past tense to future tense. Oh, and this is an unusually short period, by the way. (hint hint) I couldn't talk to him.
"Oh and students..."
Everyone looked at Mr.John.
"The new kid has a name and his name is J.D." 'The new kid has a name' Omigosh, really? That's obvious. You don't need to say that.
J.D., what a cute name. weird comma But why he's so serious... And disrespectful! He said 'whatever' to the teacher, remember? If you don't mean this character to be disrespectful, don't have him being rude to teachers.

Now I will do an overall review for the rest, since the same problems seem to run through this story, such as remembering to state who is talking in dialog, etc.
First of all, this seems too rushed. Whoa, Cynthia is getting in a fight with Agnes just about this boy that they met that day, just because he's her 'future boyfriend'? That's not very realistic. Also, this seems like a romance! I think you should post this in romantic fiction. And is this a first chapter?
I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next with JD, Agnes, and the others.
Hope I helped. Keep on writing-
KD

Hey, I will review you today.


First off nice story you have here. Seems pretty good so far with a bit of background information. The thing that you had a problem here especially were your tenses. Kaedee covered pretty much all of the tense mistakes, so hopefully you will be able to improve on those. I also agree with Kaedee that it does seem like a romance at this point, but I have a feeling it will turn into more. Although sometimes I'm wrong so if you did just intend for it to be a romance then you should post the next chapter there instead of here.

~Day

Naydy wrote:

I was late for school. I was getting inside but the stupid bell rang. I made it to my classroom but Mr.John was very late. I wonder why he was always late... Maybe he stop to get a his coffee, but he arrive.

"Sorry, I was late kids but I was in the principal office"

I wonder who is this new student...

"If you excuse me for a moment."

I feel nervous to see this new kid. Then a person came in and everyone was surprise but when I look at the new kid, it's a boy. His skin looks like snow falling from the clouds in a winter day.

"You may sit now"

"Where?"

His voice was so calm like an angel.

"You may sit to next Agnes"

"Whatever"

He sat next to me but I ignore him cause he's not my type. It's weird that I'm having goosebumps in my body. I thought he was looking at me with his beautiful eyes. I look at him but no, he was not looking at me. I decide to talk to him but the bell rang. I couldn't talk to him.

"Oh and students..."

Everyone look at Mr.John.

"The new kid has a name and his name is J.D."

J.D., what a cute name. But why he's so serious... In gym class, I meet this boy named Mikey. He told me that his mother is a old friend of my mom.

So I decide to go with my friends until I bump into someone.

"Hey, watch where you going"

"What did you say?."

I look at his face and it was J.D..

"Oh just you... I didn't saw you."

"You are Agnes, right?"

I grab his hand to get up.

"Yeah and you must be..."

"J.D."

I keep staring at his face.

"Um, hello... Agnes, which class are we going?"

"Science. Mrs.Rose put you to be my lab partner"

He so weird the way keep staring at me.

"Well, I better get going. Bye"

"Bye"

Why he is the silent type... He doesn't speak to anyone...



In the afternoon, Cynthia came to tell me that she has a crush on J.D. I don"t know why , but is not my problem is her problem.

"Hey Agnes, Don't you dare to talk to talk my future boyfriend"

"Your future boyfriend? You must be kidding. He doesn't know if he likes you."

"Oh I know he likes me very much. You're just jealous!"

"I'm not jealous and you're such an idiot"

She cried and I look down on the ground and she hit me in my shoulder. What is wrong with me? She is such a drama queen.

"What do you did to Cynthia, Agnes?"

Maryse appear out of nowhere.

"I don't care what you are saying to me, now get out of my sight"

"I didn't finish with you"

Maryse punch me in my face. I started to bleed from my nose. Before Maryse kick me, Natalia quickly came

"WHAT YOU DID THAT FOR?"

"I did it for my friend, Cynthia"

"I'm going to hit you for that, you shouldn't have done that!"

Natalia grab my arm before I hit Maryse's ugly face. Natalia help me to the Nurse's office.

"What happen to her?"

"Maryse punch her face and Agnes start to bleed from her nose"

"Okay, would you please put her in the bed and you may go now"

"okay"

"I got this, Natalia you may go now."

Natalia leave me in the bed. The Nurse start to clean all the blood I have in my nose and put some ice on it. When I look to the other side, J.D. was in there, I quickly close my eyes and open them again and he disappear. Maybe it was my imagination.

I look my nose with the mirrow.Its mirror

"Okay, you're all better. Don't touch you're nose or you will start to bleed even more blood"

I got out of the office.

"So, what happen to you?"

I look and it was J.D.

"Nothing and you know what could make it better?"

"What?"

"Stay away from me!"

You're an idiot, and hey, oh you know who is was my favorite type?"

"What you like to be dumb?"

"No, I just like people who are a little idiot"

"I am not an idiot, okay"

"Yes, you are and you just don't accept what I say to you"

"Leave me alone... Is that to much to ask?"

"Sure"

Sure, what kind of boy is he. School is over , when I saw J.D.. He was talking two big boys. I like my life without him. His going to ruin my life. I don't even like him but why he say that I'm an idiot? He is the idiot one...

Hey its Vamp here just wanted to say that i still love the story but just remember to check your spelling.

HI NAYDY!!!! (sorry for the caps I'm just exited )I am so exited to see a new chapter up!! I LOVED it!!! It was really good. I wanna get to know J.D better though, he... intrigues me. Oh and that Cynthia, she irks me!!!

Well off to the nit-picking. (Don't worry I'll keep it short and sweet! )

I made it to my classroom but Mr.John was very late.

Wow that Mr.John sounds like me, always late... Well anyway I just wanted to point that out!

I wonder why he was always late... Maybe he stop to get a his coffee, but he arrive.

Ok so something wrong here is the dreaded, evil, demented tenses! (I hate 'em!) The story is in present tense so I'd suggest that the sentence should sound like: I wonder why he's late...

His skin looks like snow falling from the clouds in a winter day.

I like this!! He sounds really cute!!!

His voice was so calm like an angel.

I wanna meet angel boy!!!

"The new kid has a name and his name is J.D."

I love this sentence!!! It made me laugh!! I really like this teacher. Why can't my teacher be that cool?

I'm tired now so I'm gonna go take a nap! I loved the story and keep writing I wanna see what happens next and I definitely want to know more about J.D!!! Write soon!!!! Bye!

Luv,
wookielover17

Wookie this isn't the first chapter?

No this is the second one Dreams. I'll give you a link to the first one here:

viewtopic.php?t=60425

Hope I helped Dreams!!