Riptide-chapter 1 please edit :)

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Prologue
The wind pounded the ocean, delivering fists of air that made the sea rise with a white foamy spray that rose over the boardwalk. The man, utterly unperturbed by the storm raging around him stood still, eyes watchful, and mouth thinned out in thought. He leaned over the edge of the railing , testing the waters, daring them to pull him in. His gaze caught a disturbance in the waters.
He spoke, “I knew you would come, dear brother.” On cue wave seemed to be drawn out for a second, and as if molded by the hand of some magical craftsman, it formed it the shape of a man. As this wave crashed against the pier, the water dissipated, leaving in its wake a man. Tall, and with eyes like the Mediterranean Sea.
He shook out his sandy blond hair, made damp by his arrival.
He delivered his most dazzling smile, and said, “How could I not Demetrius? Tonight is the night it must be done. We could prolong this no further.”
He came to stand by his brother; slightly leaning on the rotten wooden railing, his tone and demeanor spoke of lightness and joy, but both of the brothers knew tonight was the night of the ambassador. It was a night of joining and togetherness, but one that nonetheless, brought back memories of terror.
The other brother Demetri was paler, had brown hair like the color of fresh dirt, and eyes green like the grass in spring. The humans would have called him “natural”, oh and how right they were. The man looked from side to side watching for any wandering eyes coming from the bars a few blocks down. They were in a fishing town, somewhere on the pacific coast of Guatemala, and the night was alive with hoots and hollers coming from the main street.
The brother noticed Demetri’s apprehension, and sensing his thoughts, turned around and said, “abundans cautela non nocet, Jonathon”.
Jonathon let out a wry laugh. “We learn’t that the hard way didn’t we brother?” he said.
Demetrius was sensing his power growing weaker near the ocean, and he had no desire to be here longer than necessary, just long enough to chose the one.
“So, who shall it be?” Demetri let the question hang in the air, unanswered. They knew it was time for them to choose.
The men had both done this before, always with the other. As was custom, they both removed their rings. One was delicately crafted with two of the most beautiful pearls in the ocean resting on a tiny blue shell, inscribed with runes of peace and protection. The other was made of the finest gold and diamonds, and in the center, was a stone of jade, inscribed with the same runes. When placed side by side these rings created a perfect circle. At the same time the men threw their rings in the air, and they collided, hovering before them, with a magnetic force. Once they joined, a soft glow emanated from them. The glow grew to such intensity, that to mortal eyes it would have been unbearable. The men stared, unblinking, searching for what they needed. Usually it was just a name, this year would be different.
An image flickered and then shot out of the ring. It was projected on the night sky so that the brothers gaped in utter disbelief, their heads tilted high.
The girl slept soundly in a bed with purple and blue sheets laced with flowers, her blond hair flowing around her like a golden halo. Asleep she looked almost like an angel, innocent and naïve. And just like that the image disappeared.
“A girl! A bloody girl! The heavens want us to divide our kingdoms to a girl?” Demitri grabbed the ring now suspended lifelessly in front of him. He shook it in disbelief, wondering if it weren’t just some cosmic joke.
Jonathon seemed much more pleased.
He grabbed his ring as well and announced, “Well that’s just wonderful!” he looked up at the sky, “ah! It looks like it’s about time for me to be leaving you Demetri. Shall I see you at the next moon?” It wasn’t a question so much as an obligation.
Demetri was still staring confusedly down at his ring when he replied, “Yes. Yes, I guess you shall.”
The brothers shared one last look, which bore the thought that was haunting them both. Would the angel girl keep the peace? Then the wave came and swallowed Jonathon, and Demitri was left staring out to sea, his mind reeling with unanswered questions.

Chapter 1
Seraphina woke with a gasp, her head pounding, and her sheets soaked with sweat. She groped for the light switch in the dark, and when she found it, it kept slipping through her fingers, until she finally got it. The first thing that caught her eye was the sand; it speckled her purple sheets in like clumps. She swung her legs over the side of her bed and contemplated the possibility she was indeed, crazy. The walls of her pink and white room blurred together, it reminded her of Christmas candy canes, in a disturbing way. She sat there with her feet on the floor, and her elbows on her knees, and her face cupped in her hands.

It had to be the dream. In her dream she had seen herself on the beach with two men, alike in stature, but different in every other aspect. They were arguing, and as they did it looked like all hell had broken lose. They didn’t seem to be aware of it, but a storm cloud loomed precariously overhead, and rushing waves were beating the shore. Then when it looked like the cloud were about to burst with the weight of the heavens, Seraphina had yelled, “stop!” Immediately both men’s eyes shot up to the sky, and it was at that instant – with the men’s heavy glares piercing her as if she were transparent – she decided to wake up.


**abundans cautela non nocet - is latin for "it is always best to act with the most precaution"**
Last edited by Zibbie on Mon Apr 05, 2010 11:21 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"His poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random."




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Hi, I'm Earthfire! I really liked this story, it grabbed my attention and made me want to read more. A few reminders: remember that ever time a new character speaks, it makes a new paragraph. Remember to break up sentences into commas. Also, try to get your dialogue to flow more. All in all, this was a great beginning to your story. I can't wait to read more!




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Im not really good with structure, but i tried to fix it. Better?
"His poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random."




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Hey!! Your writing has great flow and the characters are very interesting!! I just have a couple of comments.

Zibbie wrote:The wind was pounding the ocean, delivering fists of air that made the sea rise with a white foamy spray that rose over the boardwalk.


One thing that I myself have issues with is when I write in past tense, I have problems with my verbs being passive. Like, say, instead of saying "The wind was pounding", if you used something like "The wind pounded", it'd come off as more action-y. Get what I mean? And I really like the fists of air imagery.

Zibbie wrote:The man, utterly unperturbed by the storm raging around him stood still, eyes watchful, and mouth thinned out in thought. He leaned over the edge of the railing as if testing the waters, daring them to pull him in, when his gaze caught a disturbance in the ocean.


With that last sentence, you might want to try breaking it up a bit, maybe separating "When his gaze caught" from the rest and making it its own sentence, or even cutting it entirely.

Zibbie wrote:Suddenly he spoke, “I knew you would come dear brother.”

On cue wave seemed to be drawn out for a second, and as if molded by the hand of some magical craftsman, it formed it the shape of a man. As this wave crashed against the pier, the water dissipated, but what was left in its wake was a man. Tall, and with eyes like the Mediterranean Sea.


With the first part, you don't really need to "Suddenly". There's been no other dialogue so far, so the prescense of the dialogue is sudden unto itself. And you need to use a comma between come and dear.

With the second paragraph, you'll want to watch the "as if", I think. I've noticed you use that phrase kinda often and you don't want to be repetitive. And last, when you say "but what was left" you should consider cutting it out and just having "Left in its wake". And, again, watch your passive verbs, eg. "was a man".

Zibbie wrote: He shook out his sandy blond hair, made damp by his arrival. He delivered his most dazzling smile, and said,
“How could I not Demetrius? Tonight is the night it must be done. We could prolong this no further.”


This might just be a YWS thing, I'm not sure, but in case it's not, when you start with a dialog tag (said, ask, etc.) you don't need to start a new paragraph and indent.

Zibbie wrote:The other brother Demetri was paler, had brown hair like the color of fresh dirt, and eyes green like the grass in spring. The humans would have called him “natural”, oh and how right they were. The man looked from side to side watching for any wandering eyes coming from the bars a few blocks down. They were in a fishing town, somewhere on the pacific coast of Guatemala, and the night was alive with hoots and hollers coming from the main street.


This might be a wee bit of an info dump. You might want to consider cutting back on some of this.

Zibbie wrote:The brother noticed Demetri’s apprehension, and as if sensing his thoughts, his brother turned around and said, “abundans cautela non nocet, Jonathon”.


If I was you, I'd end the first sentence at "apprehension" and cut out the "and as if" entirely. With the "and said "abundans" etc", it sometimes help to italize things in another language to show that they're different. Grammatically, the first word of a new sentence should be capitalized, but if you're doing it on purpose, I get that. :)

Zibbie wrote:Jonathon let out a wry laugh, “We learnt that the hard way didn’t we brother?” he said.


That comma doesn't belong there. It should be a period. As well, I don't think learnt is correct.

Zibbie wrote:The men had both done this before, always with the other. As was custom, they both removed their rings. One was delicately crafted with two of the most beautiful pearls in the ocean resting on a tiny blue shell, inscribed with runes of peace and protection. The other was made of the finest gold and diamonds, and in the center, was a stone of jade, inscribed with the same runes. When placed side by side these rings created a perfect circle. At the same time the men threw their rings in the air, and they collided, hovering before them, with a magnetic force. Once they joined, a soft glow emanated from them. The glow grew to such intensity, that to mortal eyes it would have been unbearable. The men stared, unblinking, searching for what they needed. Usually it was just a name, this year would be different.


There is a lot of text in one paragraph. It's kind of hard to take it all in at once.

Zibbie wrote:An image flickered and then shot out of the ring. It was projected on the night sky so that the brothers stared in utter disbelief, their heads tilted high.


When you use phrases like "it was projected", "so that the brothers stared" it makes it very passive.

Zibbie wrote:Jonathon seemed much more pleased, he grabbed his ring as well and announced, “Well that’s just wonderful!” he looked up at the sky, “ah! It looks like it’s about time for me to be leaving you Demetri. Shall I see you at the next moon?” It wasn’t a question so much as an obligation.


First underline: That needs to be seperate sentences. End pleased with a period and start he with a capital H.

Second underline: You might want to consider starting this as a new paragraph and he needs to be capitalized as well as the ah.

Okay, so, basically my last little bit of advice is to watch the passive verbs and figure out who your narrator is. Who's head are you in? Or are you being omninscent? Otherwise, you have good potential, here, though!

(Edited to fix my quotes.)
Last edited by Laina on Tue Apr 13, 2010 7:44 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Wow, this was great! I really enjoyed it, and, as far as I could tell, minimal grammatical or spelling mistakes! The only thing I really noticed was the Latin thing: I myself have studied Latin for almost six years, and what you wrote: abundans cautela non nocet, translates directly as: abundant caution not bad. I get the sense that you used a translator for this. Though I admit that is generally the same thing that you tried to communicate, I would suggest messaging a good translator using e-mail or online forums (heck, you could even ask me to help!).
I can't wait to read more!

~LordLoredaen.
Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.


(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")



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