The Vessel of my Mind

THE VESSEL OF MY MIND
By Nibroc

I sail on a ship bound for lands lost in time,
Cutting white lines of foam in an ocean of black;
The lights overhead in the darkness sublime
Guide my vessel’s vague course on a storm-blistered track.

The wind in the sails of my intrepid craft
Whisper wondering words without meaning or sound;
Yet they gust with a vengeance from foredeck to aft,
And determine the point for which this traveler’s bound.

A crash and a roar sounding loud in the deep
Wakes me suddenly to a red flash of dull flame,
And I see through the blur of eyes misted by sleep
That somehow I’d returned to the place I had came.

The smell of burnt ice and the chill of dark light
Mass all of their cold, indomitable wrath
And explode soundlessly with a soul-wrenching might
So to launch my poor vessel back on its right path.

Yet e’en as I caught in the distance anon
Sight of that bright land that I held in my soul,
A flicker, a shimmer, and then it was gone;
And so ‘gain was removed from me my heart’s true goal.

I sail on a ship bound for lands lost in time,
Searching for an answer to the things that I find
In the course of the journey of meterless rhyme
Of the wandering vessel of an uncertain mind.

Greetings, Nibroc!

I positively adored this poem, especially the first stanza. Actually, I loved all of it. I like the punctuation throughout.

THE VESSEL OF MY MIND
By Nibroc

I sail on a ship bound for lands lost in time,
Cutting white lines of foam in an ocean of black; very nice
The lights overhead in the darkness sublime
Guide my vessel’s vague course on a storm-blistered track. love it!

The wind in the sails of my intrepid craft
Whisper wondering words without meaning or sound;
Yet they gust with a vengeance from foredeck to aft,
And determine the point for which this traveler’s bound.

A crash and a roar sounding loud in the deep
Wakes me suddenly to a red flash of dull flame,
And I see through the blur of eyes misted by sleep
That somehow I’d returned to the place I had came.

The smell of burnt ice and the chill of dark light Eh, I don't like "burnt ice"...seems like a bit of a stretch.
Mass all of their cold, indomitable wrath
And explode soundlessly with a soul-wrenching might
So to launch my poor vessel back on its right path.

Yet e’en as I caught in the distance anon
Sight of that bright land that I held in my soul,
A flicker, a shimmer, and then it was gone;
And so ‘gain was removed from me my heart’s true goal.

I sail on a ship bound for lands lost in time, I like the ending, with the repetition in the first line. It binds the poem together nicely.
Searching for an answer to the things that I find
In the course of the journey of meterless rhyme
Of the wandering vessel of an uncertain mind.

Hmm, I don't really understand why your destination vanished in the end. Is this the only possible destination or are there others?

Anyways, congratulations on a job well done. As you can see, I can't find much wrong with it. *Likes*!!

Sincerely,
S.S. Rose

I'd work on your word choice. In fact, I think that your best ally when considering this piece for revising is condensation. You've got plenty of imagery and even 'the smell of burnt ice' which is pretty cool. I hated the rhyme scheme though. but maybe that's just me. So for your first post on the site, not bad. Remember that one of the best ways to improve is to read, but you'll never improve if you don't write... so yeah.

anyway,
goodluck

This poem is very well written, I loved the stanza and how it rhymed. It is all tied together and there are no stray though. Absolutely positively beautiful.

Hey, thanks all of you for the comments/criticism!

Rose, I'm glad you liked it. To clarify though, you said that the "burnt ice" thing is a bit of a stretch, and I agree that it would be, if I was trying to make sense. However, that was not my intent; in fact, the entire stanza is full of similar paradoxical combinations: you can't really smell ice -- which can't really get burnt in the first place -- you can't really feel light and it doesn't make sense that it'd be dark, a soundless explosion is something of a doubtful happenstance, etc (the whole idea is that my mind doesn't necessarily always make sense). And in answer to your question about the vanished destination: what I'm trying to portray is that the destination is somewhat symbolic of either truth or the place I'm trying to get to in my life -- sort of a goal I can't quite reach. But yeah, thanks for the comment.

Perido, thanks for the criticism -- parts of it were actually helpful, like what you said about "condensation". However, if I might be so bold as to give you a few pointers for the next time you review someone else's work (if you're sincerely trying to help them out, which I believe you are in this instance): I'd ask that you be a bit more specific. For example, when you say I should work on my word choice, all that leaves me with is either the feeling that my writing is worthless or that you're just out to slam me. Give me examples of words you don't like, and then, if I'm convinced you know what you're talking about (no disrespect intended), I can change what I'm doing and thus become a better writer in the process. Also, I wanted to point out that telling me that you "hated" my rhyme scheme was neither necessary nor helpful. I mean, feel free to hate it, but don't tell me that you do unless you can give me some advice for how to change it. Glad you liked my "burnt ice" thing, though.

Jemjive, thanks for the comment.

Hey Nibroc! Stella here, as requested! Firstly, allow me to welcome you to YWS! Secondly, I notice that you, sir, need to get some reviews under your belt, the more you do, the more you get! And thirdly, I'm not so good with poetry, so please forgive me.

So! The review!

I. NITPICKS

A crash and a roar sounding loud in the deep
Wakes me suddenly to a red flash of dull flame,

Should be wakes.

That somehow I’d returned to the place I had came.

To come is an intransitive verb, which means you can't "come" something. It needs a preposition. You're missing one.

The smell of burnt ice and the chill of dark light

burnt ice, okay, but dark light? Really? I'm not convinced.

So to launch my poor vessel back on its right path.

I'm thinking you have too many syllables here.

And so ‘gain was removed from me my heart’s true goal.

Rephrase this- it may be poetry, but this is awkward. It's like those poems you write when you're eight and you do bizarre things with syntax to make your rhymes work. Not saying you write like an eight year old. Just this line.

Alright so.

II. RHYMING

Okay, now, I have no problem with rhyme, people say it's childish and whatever, but I like it. It gives a poem structure and that's fine. My only plea would be not entirely in debt to your rhyming scheme, and at the same time, not to your images in your own head. Somewhere, you've got to find a compromise between the two. If you can't get a line to fit, I'm no poet, but maybe you should look for a new line.

In short, keep your rhyme, but don't let it rule your poem. If it's better without rhyme, then consider taking it out. It's also important to pay attention to rhythm. If you think something is a beat off, then you can be sure the reader will think it's a beat off too. So make sure it isn't.

III. OVERALL

I quite liked this, to be honest, but it was a bit boring. You've filled it up with some lovely images, and your last verse draws a good conclusion, but I didn't feel like the images and the meaning quite fitted together. You need to keep a running theme. They were very beautiful phrases, but using the old fashioned language they used and with no real point, they got a bit lost. It's like... I know, it's like singing a hymn in church. Yes, the words are great, but we're so used to the form and there seems to be so little sense behind them that we're lost. Make your point, and keep making it.

(If I'm totally wrong- as I often am about poems- ignore me).

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Stella, thanks for the review! It really helped me focus on a few things I need to work on for next time.

However, I must beg your forgiveness if I fail to make any significant changes to the poem. It's an old one, and as such, the fires of inspired innovation have long since died out. To rewaken them for the purposes of editing this work in any way will have, at best, disastrous effects. Please understand my hesitation.

Additionally, while I understand what you're saying about my potentially dry, somewhat traditionalist approach to poetry composition, I must respectfully disagree with your assessment. Though I can't really do anything about the unfortunate fact that you found this specific work somewhat boring (and I understand why you might), I need to explain that the way I write poetry is based on its structure: it's the fundamental core around which I build my work. And while I agree with what you said about not compromising the meaning or flow of my poem for the sake of the structure, neither can I compromise the structure for the sake of the poem. Problems arise when my balance is off: my goal is complete harmony between meaning and structure. Being able to say exactly what I want to say within a set structure in a way that leaves the reader breathless... this is the destination of the vessel of my mind.

Also, I completely understand if rhyming poetry isn't your thing. Just know that free verse isn't mine.

As to the rest: thank you. Many of your points have made me notice a few things that I never saw before. Some of them made me cringe, knowing that someone had caught what I had hoped would go unnoticed! A few I disagreed with, but these generally dealt with stylistic preference. I appreciated them all.

Again, thanks for reviewing my work!

PS. Just out of curiosity: how do you manage to like something you find boring???