The Battlefield

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ScarlettFire
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Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:10 am
ScarlettFire says... · Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:10 am
The Battlefield
I passed through a world
That just didn’t seem right
I could see bodies on a battlefield
Two countries on the verge of war

I forced a king to act
And his queen hadn’t broken their pact
I caused so much chaos
And I swear
I never meant to start a war
I never meant for it to go so far
I just wanted to see the stars

I saw a world torn apart
And it never seemed to work out alright
And I saw the bodies on the battlefield
Two countries forced into war

I’d forced one to act
Yet the other had never broken the pact
I created all the chaos
And I swear
I never meant to start the war
Never meant for it to go so far
Because honestly, I just wanted to see the stars

I was torn between two countries
And it didn’t seem like it was right
But I saw all the bodies on that battlefield
Two countries were at war

And it was all because of me
I forced the king to declare the war
And forced the queen to react, to dare
And I swear
That it’s not fair
I never meant to start the war
Never meant for it to come so far

Because honestly, just honestly
I wanted to see the stars
But the bodies are on that battlefield
And the two countries are still at war

I’d forced them both to act
I’d broken their pact
I caused way too much chaos
And I swear
It was never meant to start a war
It was never meant to go so far
And all because I was watching the stars
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.
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LastPaladin
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Points 13952
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Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:06 am
LastPaladin says... · Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:06 am
Hello, I'll be your reviewer. I be honest straight off this seems more like a song, and way you repeat some parts but slightly change theme seems more like a chorus. My main problem isn't this, it's the fact, that while you speak of what he feels, never shown once what he meant. Yes, you are meant to be subtle but at the total lack of understanding for the reader, it isn't comprehensive. It's beautifully written but though the mystery is intriquing it's also annoying.

I forced a king to act
And his queen hadn’t broken their pact
I caused so much chaos
And I swear
I never meant to start a war
I never meant for it to go so far
I just wanted to see the stars


You change the last line, but never elaborate on it. Instead you hit us with this, but never explain what it means. For all I know is he wanted to be an astronaut. Which in context makes no sense.

I admit this is harsh, but really I enjoyed this, but I just can't ignore this error. Otherwise a strong poem/song, just lacks in that area.

I hope this helped.
You poor take courage
You rich take care
This earth was made a common treasury
For everyone to share
All things in common
All people one
We come in peace
The orders came to cut them down

Billy Bragg - The World Turned Upside Down
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ScarlettFire
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Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:13 am
ScarlettFire says... · Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:13 am
"I just wanted to see the stars" means she just wanted to stargaze and not get in the way. And all my poetry could become lyrics--It's just the way I write it.

Thank you for the review.
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.
Quote




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Ruth
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Points 4300
Reviews 111
Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:35 am
Ruth says... · Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:35 am
Hi, Scar! *waves*

Okay, I'm a little confused about the story of this poem. From what I gather, it's about a girl who slept with the King? It took a while to work that out, so maybe you could make it just a little clearer. Too clear, of course, would ruin it, but the odd sexual reference here and there couldn't do any harm.

I have one real nitpick, which would be the line
Yet the other had never broken the pact
It just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe something like "The other never broke the pact" would be better.

Other than that, it's a beautiful poem. *Likes* It really demonstrates how easily a relationship can be ruined by cheating, and how its effects can be much bigger than they seem at first. I really enjoyed it.

Hope I helped.
~Grin
"Ruth.
She's alive because she is not dead,
and junk."
~JoJo
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ScarlettFire
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Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:44 am
ScarlettFire says... · Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:44 am
Thanks for the review, Grin. And the line fits, if you reread it. :)

Anyways. Gald you liked it.
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.
Quote




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nova
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Points 14535
Reviews 78
Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:02 pm
nova says... · Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:02 pm
This isn't gonna be a review, just a quick note :P

I really like it. :lol: It's great!

Though, I think that maybe you should put it into the lyrics section? :P

It flows better as if someone would be singing, due the sentences flow.

Okay... I guess this is a review then :xd:

:)

keep on writing :D

:superman:
Alot of the time, im on here using my PS3 & my trusty usb keyboard.
Dont expect much fancy quoting blocks... I shall do what I can. ;)
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No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
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