Broken..

Hey,

This was written because my 9th grade English class has begun working on poems. Although this piece wasn't for the class itself I wanted practice with rhyme scheme. Its pretty straight forward. Hopefully you all like it. Any comments on where punctuation should go?

~~~~~~~~~
There is only me, just one
Left alone to my own thoughts
For a while I had been lost
They gave me no choice, now I'm gone
The only things I had were faults

Their is ice and frost
The sun has been forgotten and long gone
The rains that come next are the salts
I'm the food, waiting for the frost
Lything there under the oak tree alone

Nothing seems right and nothing fits
All those dead men, at what cost?
It was only me that turned to stone
They needed it; it was their fats
All the killing while I felt lost

Time slowed as I lay there prone
They were sleeping like cats
Every one of us felt unrest
Our arrows flew striking through bone
I suppose everything comes with its cost

I'm to unnerved and I fear I failed the test
Now I'm lying there under the oak tree alone
Now much akin with me are the blind bats
I hope these feelings will stop, but for now I'm lost
Nothing seems right anymore almost like a traffic cone

I've given some time to my thoughts
For a while I was lost
There is only me, just one
The only thing I had seemed to be faults
Because now I accept the cost

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please comment and critique. This is my first piece of poetry (I've read a few poems in English though)

Hi, DayDreams. Welcome to poetry! How did you like it? Hehe.

In order to get punctuation into your poetry if you're not used to it, I would recommend taking the line breaks out and punctuating it as if it were a piece of prose. That way, you get the periods and commas where you need them, and you can just put the line breaks back in to make it back into poem format.

One big thing that I have to say to you when thinking about poetry is that if you write rhyming poetry, you can't let the rhyme control you. You have to say EXACTLY what you want to say, and have it just randomly fit into rhyme, otherwise it sounds awkward. Look:

Nothing seems right anymore almost like a traffic cone

What is the point of putting a traffic cone into this poem? It has no relevance to anything. You only put it there because it rhymed, and that was the rhyme having power over you! Don't let it take you over!

What I would recommend for your next poem would be to try a non-rhyming form that lets you say what you want. Also, try using more comparisons that fit into your message. If you wanted to talk about the bustle of the city and the rushed feeling, the traffic cone might fit right in as a signal to swerve or stay in line or something like that. Use words and emotions that fit in your setting. If you're talking about something scary, use words like 'crawl' 'creep' 'scratched' 'dark' or, alternatively 'curtains' 'empty' 'cold' 'sleek'. Use what fits your poetry, and MAKE that poetry. Don't let it make you! ;D

Overall, it's a pretty good first attempt. You tried to cover a lot of ground in one piece and you tried to make it speak to the reader, but you have a lot of learning to do! Don't worry! Don't give up!

PM me if you have any questions.

-Hannah-

i agree with what hannah said. i dont know what else to say about this, but don't take that in a bad way. i noticed something though...

Their There is ice and frost

sorry i can't be more helpful
-jackle-

Hello, I'll be your reviewer. My main problem with this is it's navel gazing and right away I'm bored, not because it's bad but because you just 'pushed' us out and told us to sit. Saying I'm telling the story. And because of this it comes across as trite. I won't point out rhyme scheme since been done. But when doing a poem like this, better to do in the third person. First person poems, are hard to do. And as I said come across as pretentious and navel gazing like. Never lock your readers out.

This is short but rest has been said. That's just all that struck me. Sorry if it sounds harsh.

Hope this helps.

Hey DayDreams.

I thought that this was pretty good!

The sun has been forgotten and long gone
The rains that come next are the salts

These were my favourite lines! I especially liked the first one, it was very effective if you ask me. I also like your use of opposites between the two lines.

One nit-pick I have though is that you wrote about a lot in one piece. This is just my opinion, but I think that you might have tried to fit a bit too much into it!

I've got to go! Sorry this has been quick! I'll review something else of yours, properly, when I see it!
I did really like this!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Thanks for all the reviews guys! I have taken everything to mind and this shall hopefully improve my next piece.

I have to add something to what Hannah said. Be VERY careful when you are writing poetry. In my opinion, if you can't figure out where the punctuation goes then don't use it. Sometimes it may work that the punctuation is the same as in prose, but you must remember that poetry is frequently much more condensed then prose - so the rules aren't always the same.

That being said, I've noticed that each one of your lines seems like it's own sentence. Rarely do line extend over two or three lines - try to challenge yourself to write some descriptions that AREN'T prose-y but that ARE full sentences. Remember, condense condense condense!

Happy trails!