Day Breaks Night to the Flying Serpent (Diction; Death.)

(Lulz. Had some fun with the title.)



I went to the market.

A man asked me for change
and I knew I was moving.
He asked me for a letter
so I handed him a variable
and my best wishes.

I walked the streets
whose curves stained
a giant 8
across the fields
bloodied with sun

(if
and when) set n(_) /is?{AT, CG}
over infinity and
I, fractal which has it as
stem and head of bloom, then(if
and when)

I= N(-) {AT, CG}
and that's why
sunset has correlation to winged serpent
or divine jester, because the snake
wear's the sun as a hat, and Ra
can only eat his own.

Recursive, if I=N(_)/{AT, CG}
then I can only sum it's parts
with a hole.

like dominoes dwarf to dwarf to dwarf
or a circus act, midgets, laughable
accidents.

Short stalk to bean, human
in an amino forrest
and I'm told we don't
sprout cogs?

So, the fields
bloodied with sun
are recursion
and sure as the snake
nips it's own tail
I'll bite the bullet
as the bullet bites me

and that's who the crops were cut for,
underneath thick underbrush lay a wounded soldier,
his blood synonymous with sun, his snaketongue
striking for parallax within, last few
words

half syllables, if that
and then, and when
"aaaattt-cuhhggg" left his breath

I knew his breath left his chest
and the sun left his I

N(-)

flatlined.
(the sun swallows it's crop)

Hello. I don't believe I caught the best part of your poem. It would please me if you went through and checked that it was readable. I absolutely loved how it was written, but there are a couple of things that I believe you could fix.

For example,

Hypocrit wrote:and when) set n(_) /is?{AT, CG}
over infinity and

the part that is, in fact, unreadable, is understood to be, in fact, unreadable. Please fix this, and I will review the whole poem .

Love,
Fixed

Oh yeah, whoops, must have accidentally left numlock on, then stretched my pinky down a row, then turned it off.

...My bad.

Alright.

So, I thought this was lovely.
The whole tying together was very nicely done.

Recursive, if I=N(_)/{AT, CG}
then I can only sum it's parts
with a hole.

Quite brilliant, considering the mention of the snake, and Ra eating his own etc etc.

Now my biggest problem would be there are some many ideas you've threaded together, not to say you've done it poorly, but you stretch the reader's brains so far, it's marvelous at first, but then the references like such:

or divine jester

Seem like a dead end or loose thread that stretches your reader's mind even further, but they grasp nothing. So you have less to keep during the rest of your poem. Of course if I'm wrong, please ignore that. I just could find anything in the back of my mind that linked this 'jester' to everything else.

like dominoes dwarf to dwarf to dwarf
or a circus act, midgets, laughable
accidents.

Though this is an intelligent threading, I find it weaker then the rest. Less thought out. Like a puzzle piece that's the same shape as the missing on, but from a different puzzle.

his blood synonymous with sun, his snaketongue
striking for parallax within, last few
words

Lovely, melt in your mouth words. But choppy vocabulary. Then again, it could be the breathy effect you aimed to create. Which if that if the case, I salut you.

Thank you for a marvelous read. I hope to see more.

Kamas