Boneyards

INTRO

Ferocity lashed out through my nerves. I desperately tried to escape from the grasping hands that cut me out of the air. Cold, malicious fingers dug into my arms, sending chills up and down my spine.
"Let go of me! Let go!" I screamed.
I don't think I had ever been anything close to this scared. Tears burned my eyes and left streaks on my cheeks, they dripped down on the cobblestone path that led up to my house. I opened my mouth to say something, but instead bit down on one hand and, to no avail, attempted to break free.
A deep growl erupted from the man who was stealing me; it rolled off his tongue and into my ears slowly and with nothing less than a raw, threatening menace. I understood the unspoken threat and fell limp. The fingers took a tighter hold on my arms, pulling them back to the extreme. The man spoke, his voice sending chills down my spine.
A reply came from across the yard.
The man grunted and jerked my body up, looking down the road for headlights. I closed my eyes to try and stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks, and didn't open them for as long as I could.

Since I was taken, tears are the only expression I have. My heart remains closed and continuously beaten to a pulp, ground and served to me on a golden platter of irony as my saltwater tears, only to drip off my nose as a broken metronome. Dri-ip, dri-ip, dri-ip.

I opened my eyes for the first time since I had closed them an eternity before. Shards of light continuously cut my vision into halves, then fourths, then sixteenths. My eyebrows sunk low on my forehead, almost touching, trying to create some kind of barrier between my darkened eyes and the bright cruelty of the world. I didn't comprehend where I was. I couldn't. I just closed my eyes again and slept.

Reality was playing a menacing game with me. I no longer understood the concept of day and night, afternoon and morning. All I knew was horrific, bright awakenings that only led to pain. Malnourishment pushed my dreams to the extreme, making it hard for me to even sleep without crying. The screams of my loved ones and people I didn't know haunted me. My imagination, once my best friend, was now my mortal enemy.

I think your piece is really pretty. It's short but it has the potential for a really, really interesting story. Loved the descriptions.

Hey, icanbefixed!

So, I basically love the whole genre of action/adventure, and I think that you've got what it takes to pull out a decent story. You really do. However, this is much to short to be critiqued. It's very interesting, and I want to know more. Perhaps, with future sections, post in longer sections? Right now, this is pretty vague and obscure, and I want to know more, you know?

Your grammar is fine, really. I won't nail you too hard on this, but I did have a problem with one or two things.

Ferocity lashed through my nervous system as I desperately tried to escape from these grasping hands.

I don't think this is the best way to start a story. Sure, it's hooked me already. It throws me right into the action, but I also feel like it's too sudden. The sentence is much too long. I'm a stickler for good first sentences. One of my favorite pasttimes is going through all of the novels I own and reading the first sentence. I'd like to challenge you to go through all of the first sentences in the novels you own. Most likely, they're really good. First sentences really set up the entire plot, if you think about it. First sentences are so critical--so essential--that one mistake can send a reader to another book. And we don't want that.

Ferocity is a strange word. The eye stumbles upon it, especially because it's the first word in the sentence. I also have a problem with nervous system. For something as fast paced as this, nervous system doesn't fit right. Like I said, the shorter your first sentence is, the more luck you'll have with capturing an audience. Of course, this isn't the way with all great novels, but it's a great place to start.

I'd really like to read more of this. If you decide to post more, please send me a PM. I'd be more than happy to come back and give you another critique. You have an excellent, fast-paced writing style that I'm eager to read.

Keep writing.

-Jared

Bone-chillingly splendid. Kept me glued to my seat to the epic ending leaving me dazed with vexation.A wonderful piece of work. Brilliant and mesmerizing. Keep writing.

Thanks! Yeah, I'll post more up (longer) soon. This was just the intro.

:O
I like this story, allot. You must PM me when you post more!
I shall review this in pretty purple!!
One nit-pick:

Tears burned my eyes and left streaks on my cheeks and dripped down on the cobblestone path that led up to my house. Try breaking up this sentence, so many 'and's make it confusing.

No other grammar mistakes that I found.

-Likes-

~LPR

I liked this quite a bit, for an intro. I think you're detail was great, and the emotion was also well written. I agree with the others that its a bit short, and we can't really tell whats going on yet. It does have potential to be something amazing, which I'll definitely be looking forward to seeing.

Wow, Pecan, this was amazing.

You know when you read pieces and the words seem as if they are actually coming out of a person's lips? Well that's how I felt when I read this. Your sentences flowed perfectly, and I seriously have nothing bad to say.

This was a bit confusing. I hope that's what you are going for. It isn't a bad confusing; it's the kind of confusing that you like, and know that will be answered later.

My heart remains closed and continuously beaten to a pulp, ground and served to me on a golden platter of irony as my saltwater tears, only to drip off my nose as a broken metronome. Dri-ip, dri-ip, dri-ip.

This is just an amazing sentence. The metronome part, and the dripping after... I felt like the story was coming alive before my eyes.

Very well done.

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy

Oh, why thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I'll be sure to notify you when I post my next part.