in a sweet, melodious tone

my love to you sings
grab me by my hand, darling
keep me from falling

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

You handle the form perfectly. I love the title. I'd avoid twisting the syntax in the first line as I don't think it's necessary.

I love "grab me by my hand, darling" as the violence of"grab" contrasts nicely with the nicety of "darling".

I'd change the last line, so you're saying something similar about physical support but are avoiding "falling" as it's a little stale.

Hope this helps. Looking forward to reading more of your work,

Jas

Ciao! I liked the simple, but sweet language you wrote this in. I have very few objections, namely the title: it comes across as ironic. Shrill is high–pitch and often has negative connotations, while melodious is lovely to the ear. The title feels especially odd given the poem's content, with these adjectives clashing.

All three lines are nice, with the first one eye–catching due to its unusual syntax. I do have to say that the first one seems out of place, since the latter two are connected by an idea (grab the hand to prevent a fall, as opposed to music/singing). If you could develop the beginning to tie it in more strongly with the end, I think "tone" would strengthen overall.

Really, though, I enjoyed this. Sparse but effective. Keep it up.

–antimelrose

the problem with poems this short is that they have to be so carefully constructed, every word has to be perfect--so I applaud your attempt at this daunting form. Of course, if you include any cliches at all, this form is a total failure. So it starts of shaky but it falls flat by the end.

Try centering it around a strong image or thing.

hope this will help for piece to come

best,